Why am I so bloddy stupid?!!

[BlipinaBottle]

OK here goes....

After 11 + years of a marriage which has given me two beautiful daughters but also loads of mental and physical abuse I decided enough was enough. I started a thread on here for advice a couple of weeks ago (can't find it now though) but at the time, didn't feel strong enough to heed the very good advice I was given by you wise MNetters.

Well last Thursday I asked him to go and he did. Friday I spent all day trying to sort out money and stuff with DSS and Council and Tax Credits because as a SAHM I had no income of my own to fall back on. Weekend passed in a bit of a vodka fuelled blur (kids were at their Gran's house).

Monday DH called around to see the girls and was all lovely and reasonable so i invited him around the house for his tea on Tuesday (this evening).

He arrived, I fell to pieces, asked him what we were doing - he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore and mentioned Divorce

I am so confused - I asked him to go in the first place, he has been an absolute twunt to me so why do I feel so agrieved about the fact that he now thinks us splitting is such a damn fine idea?

The other thing that bothers me in all this is not a single friend or family member has been in touch to see if me and the kids are OK even though they all know what's been going on.

I feel invisible, exhausted and miserable and wish I'd just put up with his ways - at least I wouldn't feel so alone

he has probably had a taste of freedom and th e single life over the weekend

and your friends and family areprobably thnking abbout leaving you to it to sort out

Blipina do you think that he is mentioning divorce merely to test you? If he really has been such a twunt its unlikely that he will be quite so keen on relinquishing hold on his battering ram.

I speak from experience and used to wish that i could put up with my exes ways too (especially as he worked away during the week and two days a week didnt seem too bad given that i had everything else that i wanted).

Take it from me ... NOTHING will ever supersede your peace of mind and eventual happiness when you get this man out of your life. If he is going quietly then thank your lucky stars but if he isnt (which i suspect he wont) then you are going to need all of your strength.

Reverse psychology will be a tactic and given that he probably doesnt expect you to stick to your guns he will want the higher ground.

Please believe me that i know exactly how you feel and it took alot for me to leave as well but 6 years on i am not the same person or victim that i was then, my life has changed immeasurably and so will yours if you can find some strength to go through with getting this man out of your life.

I am so sorry that your friends and family dont seem to be there for you, it may be that you have been here before and they are waiting to see what happens (i.e. if you are going to take him back) before they wade in and help out - even so i know that you can do with a shoulder to cry on so is there any of your friends that you can turn to and talk this out with?

The exhaustion that you feel is probably tied up with depression at your cirumstances ( i know that i felt very depressed and was knocked back easily) can you go to your doctors and explain what is going on?

Please try and find the strength to do the right thing for yourself and your daughters - it sounds to me as if you have now you just need to stick to it - life is a whole lot better when you are happy, a lifetime of abuse both mental and physical just isnt worth contemplating. I really hope you are ok and get some support as this is clearly what you need.

I would love to tell you how things have changed for me when i eventually found the strength to call time on my last marriage but you probably wont want to hear that right now but please believe me when i say that you ARE doing the right thing, its just a question of having the strength and support to go through with it.

rosiposey thank you - yes I do feel very depressed (had manic depression 3 years ago) and don't want to go there again. I have been to the Dr but he hasn't given me any AD's - I don't trust them (the meds) any more because I think they are addictive and never made me feel any better anyway.

Do you think he is messing with my head - i did accuse him of this earlier. I am just so shocked that it is him who has mentioned splitting for good when I think I am the victim (and the girls) in all this. Pride is my problem maybe. Two particular friends of mine were several months ago urging me to leave him. Now we are apart their silence is deafening, as is my MIL who knows exactly what her son has inflicted on me over the years but hasn't been in touch with me either.

blip, sounds like he trying to mind-fuck you

or he has decided he is going to be every young girls dream and embrace the single life

or both

you obviously had every reason to do what you did, what has changed?

zilch

he is still the mentally-abusive person he was before

the fact you are rattled by this apparent turn-around by him is indicative of how dependent you still are on his moods

cut contact would be my advice, down to what is absolutely essential re. kids/money

no cosy meals together en famille. That just gives him a way in to rattle you

protect yourself

if you want help from friends/family, ask for it

and have you read the Narcissm thread ? It is full of very very wise women who totally understand how these mind-fuckers tick

they follow a script, I believe, that is totall predictable

Thank you AnyFucker and sorry for doing a disappearing act after starting this thread. Went to bed last night and tossed and turned (as you do) got up this morning and got the girls off to school and promptly got back into bed

Have spent all afternoon and evening with my nose in "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft , yes, I have gained some insight into my DH's ways but I still feel very let down (mostly by myself) ie I should have been a bit more intelligent when he first entered my life almost 13 years ago

What a waste, I feel so bad on the behalf of my girls - wouldn't be without them but their Dad is always going to be in their/my life and I'm not sure how to deal with this.

He's testing you and also pushing you to turn around and change your mind. If he starts talking about divorce it wrong foots you, you get hurt and confused, and go back on what you said. Clever man because it worked He's playing games, try to be strong and see through them!

He saw that you were looking very vulnerable and seized the moment to mention the Divorce word, just to give him a bit of power.

He obviously still needs to feel that he is in control of you, as he always has done. He may or may not want one but sounds a complete arsehole. You are lonely and in shock as it is early days. Give it time and you will find you are glad to see the back of him.

stay strong lovey, and harden your heart and mind to his manipulations

no more cozy family times!!! he forfeited his right to those when he ruined your marriage

work on keeping things cool and polite and make that the best you aim for wrt dealings with the children

many separated people try to stay "friendly, for the children", making the mistake that means "intimate" and allow the abusive partner too much access to their emotions

maybe one day you can have a warmer relationship with the father of your children, but not yet

not until you are sure you have both moved on

protect yourself

When I was in the throes of leaving my marriage, I was the one who was looking to end it and XH didn't. Then one day he'd obviously had enough and said, "let's get this over with and get divorced" I was so shocked and just couldn't agree with him, I said we should try and work it out.

I couldn't believe later that I hadn't taken this offer - hadn't that been exactly what I wanted? I talked about it with my IC, it may have been something about control and about my script for how it should work. In my head I was the one taking the decision to end, him ending it wasn't on my script.

I don't know if the abuse you have gone through includes being cut off from friends and family but I found I made a real effort to consolidate my support network. They knew what my XH was like but assumed that I was coping as usual. Once I admitted that I wasn't and I needed support, they were there in a flash. But I needed to let them know that I needed them.

Good luck AF. Try to focus on what it is you need and want and try and fade out what he's saying.

It may also be a pride thing...so he can say divorce was HIS idea, then he can say he finished with you, and not that you chucked him out as he was a git.

He will never ever admit to being wrong about anything, but yes, you are right to be peeved that he has effectively pulled the rug out from under you.

See a solicitor and serve papers!