At wits end dealing with alcoholism

[magnummum]

How does anyone else deal with it? Have posted a couple of times on things relating to my alcoholic DM but have reached the end of my tether.

I've done all I feel I can - have attended a residential family programme (leaving my 8 month old Dd1 to do so), Al Anon etc etc for about the last 3 years in an attempt to keep her in our lives and minimise the impact her drinking has on us.

Anyway, after yet another drama I wrote to her last week (very nice letter under the circumstances saying we love and support her but she has to chose to put her recovery first and my priority has to be my children -DD1 is 3 and have 4 month old twins).

She finally phoned last night to say she has been to see an alcohol counsellor (who is wonderful - generally it seems because she told her how brave she was etc) and whose approach is totally different to AA and who says the tough love approach is completely inappropriate and what she really needs is lots and lots of support and it is very unfair of anyone to kick someone when they are down(which clearly I'm not giving her).

Feeling really angry/stressed/upset and don't know what to do really. Sorry needed to vent as couldn't sleep after phone call and breastfeeding the twins so knackered. All out of patience with the whole thing (and apparantly I am a very patient person usually).

So how does anyone else cope?? (I should also point out that she has been through this other organisation in the past and thought they were totally useless!)

I think I need to minimise contact but then don't know how I'd handle the guilt.

Thanks for the reminder about the Melody Beattie book - I read that and some of her other stuff a couple of years ago and found it useful at the time but guess I need to revisit it.

I'm glad other people are of the it's not a disease persuasion as that's always been a concept I've struggled with though I have tried very hard to get my head around it. That just seems a way of avoiding taking any responsibility for anything.

I do try and avoid alcoholic conversations, sadly though this has meant I can go for weeks without speaking to her. Having thought about this last night I realise that the phone is one of the biggest issues as I tense up whenever mine rings and if I do speak to her and she's had a drink it really stresses me out. So I'm going to go with dropping her a line every week - short note got to take less time than a pointless hour long phone call.

Will keep you posted and thank you so much for all your support. We're all on tenterhooks as it's my cousin's wedding in 2 weeks which for various reasons would be very fraught without all of this too!

Bigus - so pleased about your mum, hope she can find the strength to stick to her guns.

The disease concept of alcoholism is problematic for me, too. A lot of it seems to come down to debate about what is actually meant by the word "disease". When an argument about health and behaviours comes down to a battle over semantics I think a point is being missed

I know the feeling of tensing up when the phone rings and the stress caused by receiving a drink-and-dial call. It's horrible, isn't it? And well done for coming up with a plan to deal with the problem on your own terms and in a way that works for you. That's what it's all about.

I used to have a post-it note on the wall near the phone saying "Is there anything more enjoyable you could be doing?" to remind me that I was on the phone by choice and that if I wasn't enjoying the phone call, I could just put it down.

For me, it's about time and space in my head. I got rid of my alcoholic husband 8 years ago, and have never looked back.

You said you spent an hour on the phone today - what for? What else could you have been doing that would have been useful to your own life?

Seriously, as a practical approach, think about all the time you spend on this - phonecalls, posting on here, worrying, thinking about it, lying awake when you should have been sleeping so you can look after your twins.

Perhaps there was no one to protect you from her, but you can now protect yourself and your children.

Just let go. You wrote the letter, now follow through.