Don't know what to do about DH (warning - long)

[Howdoyouknowwhattodo]

I'm in need of some robust MN advice here please...

Back story, been with DH for years and years, have DC who are teens/nearly teens. He works quite long hours, and has work related committee meetings in the evenings. I'm a SAHM/WAHM, so do the majority of the house and DC stuff, which now includes taking them ot stuff in the evenigns (because they're older, and their activities are later).

We've not been getting on that well for a while now (few years), have periodic bust-ups, I get upset, then pretend it enver happened (not healthy I know). Biggest on-going problem from my point of view is that DH either won't listen to me, avoids spending time with me, or when he does listen to how i'm feelign, tells me he doesn't mean I should feel like that. he won't tell me how he feels, and sits up till all hours drinking and brooding. And the more upset he gets, the later he sits up and more he broods. And the more he broods, the less he interacts with me. It's got to the point where I can't remember tha last time we had sex, or the last time we went to bed at the same time. He's not seeing anyone else AFAIK btw.

So anyway, he's been drinking pretty heavily (bottle of wine plus a night), but mainly after I've gone to bed (around 10.30/11ish). Last week he went out to a work thing, meanign ot be home around 8.30. Didn't get back till 1, after having goen ot the pub with some people and "forgotten" the time, missing the last train, and having to get a cab the last bit of the way. he was so driunk he only just made it upstairs, couldn't get undressed properly, and obviously didn't make it ouf of bed into work the next day.

This kind of thing doesn't happen very often, but it does happen every six months or so, and each time (once he's sobered up) he promises it won't happen again. I've heard this over and over again for the past 15 years.

So last week I told hi that I'd had enough, and i wanted him ot think about how much he was drinking, and how he was behaving (DC had woken up to him throwing up in the bathroom, so not nice), he said, OK I'll get my stuff together this afternoon, and went.

He's been staying at his dad and step-mums, and so far has been coming and going pretty much as he pleases. I don't know how long he's planning on staying there, nor will he tell me, he wants to take things "a week at a time" and we "need to start talking to each oher again" (as friends) before we can talk about our issues. The drinking is apparently a symptom of the problem and not the problem itself . I want to know where we currently stand,, and have some kind of time frame for where we go from here.

I don't know if I want him back or not - it's been quite nice here without him as i haven't been gettign all stressed about him ignoring me in favour of Sky Sports, computer games and committee meetings, nor telling me he's just coming up to bed, when he fully intends to spend another couple of hours playing on the computer. But, if we do properly split up, it will affect the DC quite badly. Eldest is quite matter of fact about it (as she doesn't see that much of him anyway - I was shocked when she said yesterday that in the previous week, she'd only seen him four times), but the other two are much closer to him. Also, if I am bringing them up myself, then naturally our standard of living goes down, and they will have to give up some or all of the things they do. I do work, but only part time from home, but I can't earn the kind of money DH does.

Am I being selfish thinking that me being happier is more important than the DCs being able to do the things they enjoy and are good at, and which will look good on their university application forms/CVs in the future? Or does the fact that I'm a mother mean that I should put myself second?

I don't know if I love DH, certainly I don't particularly like him at the moment, and I don't knwo what he feels about me. I know what he says to other people (his mum reckons that yes he does love me, and yes he does want to be here, but thinks I don't want him, and is staying away because he thinks it's what I want), but he doesn't let me see that, and certainly doesn't do anything to make me feel special or wanted in any way (other than to do the laundry, cook the meals and bring up his children). And when I try to explain all this, he doesn't seem to get it, or even think it's particularly important, that because he doesn't intend it, I shouldn't feel liek that.

So wise women of MN, where do I go from here? How do I talk ot him so that he hears what I'm saying without descending into a nagging shrew (I fully hold my hands up to that) or going off to the bathroom to cry?

Sorry about the essay, also, because I've spent so long plucking up the courage to actually post this, I have to go out now, and won't be back on the computer till later this evening.

In theory I agree with nikki, and certainly nothing much will improve until your husband's feelings and motives are taken into consideration - but 15 years is a bloody long time to be "very unhappy with your relationship and maybe his life as well" and to repeatedly address it with alcohol which, by definition, is not working for him, or else he would be happy now!

It's true, some otherwise moderate drinkers do drink to forget - but, based on the OP (and it's true we only have her side of the story) this doesn't sound like one of those times.

well, we had a bit of a chat last night, and the following emerged:

he doesn't have a problem with drinking (although he might sometimes have one or two glasses of wine more than he ought to) because in the past two weeks he's hardly been drinking at all

he has no idea why I might suddenly have started being horrible to him all the time (this would be ignoring him in the evenings, being cross for no particular reason, making him feel that nothing he does is OK)

he gets really upset when the house is a mess (presumably this is entirely my job to sort out, and he has no input into the level of crap there is lying around)

he wants to have friends round, and have us go out with friends, and that doesn't happen (not sure when we're supposed to do this bearing in mind the amount he's out at stuff in the evenings, but I do accept that for the past couple of years I haven't been feeling particularly social, and did turn down an invitation to go round to one of his old school friends houses so he could catch up with people he hadn't seen for 20 years - I was tired, didn't fancy spending time with people I didn't know talking about other people I didn't know, while at the same time amusing the DCs who were also tired, hungry and grumpy - which they aways are on a Saturday late afternoon).

he thinks we still need some time apart, but once we've both set out how we feel, then he will move back in, which should be in two to three weeks.

He agrees he ought to have told me some of this stuff before, but if I wasn't so stand-offish with him all the time, he would find it easier to talk to me.

I go to bed "too early" and he's "always" in bed by midnight, and wouldn't listen to me saying otherwise.

On the positive side though, he said he would make an appointment with Relate (as i have no idea when he has meetings, it is easier for him to book it, rather than me trying to, then having to check back with him at a time when he has his work diary and home diary in the same place).

So, avoidance of the whole alcohol issue (whatever it actually is, he needs to cut down, and accept that how much he drinks affects me (drinking = snoring = disturbing my sleep = me being grumpy next day = him drinking the next night = ......) and the not knowing if he will actually be back when he says he will, because someone has convinced him to go on to the pub, or for a meal or whatever).

And, what looks like a bit of a rush to get in my good books so he can move back in (as someone earlier suggested) - would I be mean in suggesting that the lack of Sky and free use of a computer (can't play on miniclip on his blackberry) at his dad's is a facor in this 2-3 weeks proposal?

As we were walking to the pub last night he asked all casually "so, missing me then?" and got huffy when I said "well, no not really, I'm still sorting out the house and kids myself, and going to bed by myself", and later I mentioned that the DC were all a bit stressy at the moment, he asked "oh why's that then?" and got huffy again when I said "because their dad has moved out and they don't know what's going on".

I don't think he really understands himself what's happening, he really seems to have got the idea that this is all just to humour me, and when I calm down, it will all be back to how it was. Hopefully an outsider can get through to him, although i'm not looking forward to having to bear my soul to a stranger (she says to the anonymous people who live in the computer ).

From your last post, I think you (at the moment) don't want him back, and he can't really believe that this is a real permanent possibility. He is using the "she seems not to want me" whine rhetorically to imply that you had better seem more grateful for his presence and do more of the things he wants, or he is brandishing the implicit threat that he might leave; he has no real intention of doing this, nor any realistic belief that you might actually want him to.

Relate may get him to see some of your point of view. It may not.
I bet if the next phase doesn't change as much as it needs to for you to stay together he will be INCREDIBLY surprised and hurt and will make out that you have suddenly swept off in an unreasonable huff, and not see that you have been trying to change things for a while and that this is what this is all about.

Work out what you want and be prepared to ask for it very clearly. Also if there are any nice things he does have those ready to use as examples - "for instance, when you do x that makes me feel that you have considered my feelings and I would like to feel that more often" - so that he can't retreat into his teenagey "I can't do anything right" nonsense.

Good luck.