DH cheating? am I being paranoid?

[RoRoMummy]

My DH has a normal day job but plays music in pubs / village halls for a hobby. Since March he's been 'playing music' with (amongst others) a woman who lives in the next village. All seemed OK at first and I met her a few times, she knows a few of my friends too. But when we were on hols in Aug he was in the shower and a text came in, so I picked his phone up (being helpful!) and saw quite a worrying text from this woman. Not out and out sexy or anything... but more about being soul mates and thanking him for his 'late night conversations' (he always gets home quite late when he's 'rehearsing'). I stewed for the day, not wanting to upset kiddies (7 and 3) and tackled him that evening. He said they were close friends and that she was not happy with her husband. He did not say a lot but said that nothing is going on and not to worry. So I believed him.
I have since discovered that the texts have continued back and forth, but he is really quick to delete them (WHY????).
Have spoken to two friends about this and one thinks I should nip it in the bud and ask him not to be 'friends' with her. The other thinks I am being a paranoid maniac and that maybe she is just a genuine 'friend'. But the 'soulmate' thing haunts me. I am getting really upset and don't know what to do. Advice please?

Before the whole text thing happened I had NEVER questioned NOT loving him or splitting up. When I told a close friend what had happened she did not believe me, as we seem(ed) to be the perfectly happy couple. It simply was not an option...ever. I was knocked for six by the whole thing and still feel pretty devastated. He seems to have kick-started my own mid-life crisis and brought to the surface a whole load of questions and insecurities I never knew I had.

I'm sure you can weather this, but the crucial thing is that you work through this together and don't try and move on too quickly without dealing with it. Uncomfortable though it is, he has been unfaithful to some degree, and this needs to be sorted out properly before you can move on, and start to rebuild trust.

I know the crush thing is escapism (and I don't blame you at all!) but at some point real life has to come back in, and if you've got a future together you and your DH need to start rediscovering your chemistry.

Sorry RoRo, I just cannot see how making him jealous and insecure about a celebrity pash is a better option than having a conversation that starts: "You really hurt me when you had that relationship. Can we now get to the bottom of why it happened and ensure we affair-proof our future marriage?"

Unless you both delve deep about what happened and why, chances are this (and worse) will happen again, to one or both of you. It's such a mistake to sweep these things under the carpet, pretending that just because the hurtful behaviour has stopped, it's enough. You're still hurting and you're still angry, so it clearly isn't enough.

My response to the last 2 entries is: YES I know you are both right, but I'm finding it very hard to pick my way through all of this right now. Life is not fun for me at the moment and my 'sleb fantasy' provides much needed relief and pleasure. I feel that I have done SO much talking and asking questions of him already, that it has started to be 'nagging'. He works late and gets up early, so there never is a right moment. He is an absolute 'ostritch' in his approach to relationship issues, and completely admits it is a fault of his. I have tried getting him to spend more time with his Brother (in the hope he might offload to another person). His Brother is aware of the situation because my Sister-in-Law phoned one day when I was in tears. But something always happens at the last moment and one of them cancels a meet-up. He is very insular and has no close friendships where he can discuss 'stuff'. This is probably fundamentally why the whole text relationship started in the first place. I still believe her motivations were very different and that's why it started getting out of hand. I have no evidence at present to suggest that they are still in contact, but it would not surprise me if they were and I am preparing myself for this. He knows he's hurt me, that I'm still upset and that he needs to open up and help to fix things, but I WILL NOT make all of the effort. Where we go to from here rather depends on how HE behaves. An example of this is that I decided last week to do the Race for Life in July with a friend, partly to kick-start getting fitter and have a focus for going out for a walk/run a few times a week. His response was this: You are not in shape for it, when do you have time to train, running is really bad for you if you are not used to it etc etc. I could really have done with 'Great, thats good, pleased for you', but NOPE!

You two are a classic case for Relate. I realise it will be difficult to organise, what with you living out in the countree & having DCs and all. But, if you can get to Brighton for events, you can get there for Relate. Most employers will allow time off for counselling.

When he resists, make it non-negotiable: either you care enough about our marriage to do this, or you don't and the consequence is obvious.

I honestly feel you'll both be happier fairly quickly, once you get the chance to air your stuff in the proper environment.

OK - more CRAP stuff has happened since last post.

A week ago I had emergency Appendix operation (following a week of feeling ill). When stuff like that happens you just have to get on with it and pull together as a couple: yes? Well we sort of did, but the hospital kept us waiting for my op slot for a whole day and, basically, DH was very bored and wanted to go home at about 3 pm. Said he'd come back later on that evening. Nurse came down to get me at about 7 pm, out of it until 9 pm, back on ward 10 pm.

DH did not visit at any point during the evening and did not appear until 12 following day. I felt very very alone when I was being prepped for op and also coming round afterwards.

The last week has been kind of hijacked by relatives helping out: I am very grateful to them, but it is hard to try to sort things out with DH in the circumstances. He has said ' poor you', bought chocs and flowers, looked after the children. But I feel annoyed that he wasn't there at the crucial moment for me. Do I take this as a sign that he really doesn't care? Or is he just STUPID?