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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do?

43 replies

SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 13:07

Hello, I have been left 1000 pounds by my deseased grandmother, which was supposed to be available to me on my 21st birtday back in january. Together with my mothers inheritance it was put in her bank account (my mothers) on my birthday.

She will not give me this money. I have explained I would like it to take a short holiday but she refuses to give it me and gets very angry, shouts and swears when I even ask for it, and I always end up in tears.

I have two options
*should I just leave it and accept she wont give it to me
OR
*should I take the minibank card out of her purse one day, draw my entitlement out and just leave the house never to return again?

My mother has caused me so much hurt that I am not sure I would like to see her again. She thinks because she ha always bought me things, that she has been there for me, but because she hasn't had time for me, I have OD'd twice in the past few years and also cut my wrists. Which one would you do?
Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Original poster
SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 15:51

But now I feel it may be wrong to use it. I feel bad if I go on holiday now. Do you feel it is a waste of money if I use it to go to Blackpool for a few days?

OP posts:
LunarSea · 07/06/2005 15:55

It might be diplomatic to just put it in a bank/building society a/c for now (and make a point of telling your mother that's waht you're doing), even if you do later use it to go away. Right now, a compromise situation would probably quench the flames of your family relationships a bit. This way she feels that you've taken on board her point of view, but you've still got hold of the money, so no-one feels that they've "lost" the argument.

Pruni · 07/06/2005 16:05

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 07/06/2005 16:07

Take the money. It's yours. The hell with her.

Catsmother · 07/06/2005 16:10

Sweetheart ... it doesn't matter what we think of your spending plans, nor what anyone else thinks. It's what you think that's important. If you want to go on holiday that's not a crime ! .... and if your grandmother placed no conditions on how your inheritance was to be used, then effectively she was saying it's entirely up to you !

I'd get the money while you can - I'm absolutely baffled by your mum's attitude, it sounds very controlling and quite weird.

MeerkatsUnite · 07/06/2005 16:21

Spanish Eyes,

In response to your earlier writings:-

"The solicitors did handle the will. The executor is my mothers aunt, who is very old fashioned and thinks I'm still a child and going on holiday with it is a waste. But it's what I enjoy and what I want to do and I havent been away since I was 13, nearly 9 yrs ago! So there is no use talking to her.
In regards to threatning legal action, I have done it, she just says 'try it' and says it would cost me more in legal costs than the actual entitlement".

I'd tell this aunt of yours to bring it on. She has failed miserably in her duties as executor (she would be in trouble herself for not carrying out the will to the letter) and this money of yours should not have been placed in your mother's bank account. Presumably you had no say at all in where your money was placed. It looks like the two of them have acted in partnership to further control you.

You can have your money and you can break free of your mother's control. You will have to be both brave and strong - its up to you because your Mother will continue to make your life a misery. It sounds to me like you have been made the scapegoat for all your mother's problems and blames you accordingly for why her life went wrong; she is showing the typical actions of a "toxic parent".

Do seek legal advice. The CAB can help and I'd also contact the original firm of solicitors who handled your grandmother's estate. They need to be aware of what has happened.

Original poster
SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 16:29

Thanks y'all for your replies! I am treating myself to a 3-day break in Blackpool starting from tomorrow! It might be hell when I get back, but for the time as from tomorro I am going to enjoy myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 16:31

and in response to getting a deposit on rented accomodation....it's a good idea for the future, but for now with no job (i'm trying sooo hard to get one) and therefore no income, I cant pay rent, but its something I plan to do as soon as I get a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 17:21

but you all think it would be ok to go on holiday yeah?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 17:39

I am now having second thoughts about even taking the money out. I feel like giving her back the card and telling her she can keep it all just to keep the peace.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 07/06/2005 17:51

Spanish Eyes,

The bank card remains the property of the Bank. I would not make any withdrawals using her card and pin - its just another weapon to attack you with as she could report this series of unauthorised withdrawals to the bank. Based on her past words and actions towards you I have no doubt whatsoever she would do this.

Your best bet by far is to seek legal advice to obtain the money in a legal fashion. I am not surprised you are uncertain as to what to do, you have been controlled and belittled for so long that it is small wonder you are confused.

I am also pretty certain your late grandmother would be appalled at you being denied the chance to finally enjoy your inheritance. She would want you to go on holiday!!.

Another point in your favour is that you are looking for work and leading on from that rented accommodation. I don't suppose you could live with friends in the meantime, you need to be as far away from your controlling mother as possible.

Original poster
SpanishEyes · 07/06/2005 17:58

MeerkatsUnite...I wish u were my mummy!

I am going to stay with a friend, Mary for a few weeks whilst her mother is in Nigeria but after that I really dont have a clue.

OP posts:
haven · 07/06/2005 23:10

take her to court.
know it sounds a lil harsh, but i don't believe in taking what ins't yours.

if your mom is more concerned with herself well, honey..you have to make a choice.

Original poster
SpanishEyes · 08/06/2005 07:48

Hi everyone, I got the money. She is still in the foulest mood ever. I spent 20 quid on myself yesterday in George at Asda on some clothes for the gym and a new handbag and today I am going to get a new gym bag and towel from Primark!!! I know my mum will go mad, but it's my money and its me buying things worthwhile that I will use for a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpanishEyes · 08/06/2005 07:50

To be honest, I am frightened of this woman. I start to worry when it's almost time for her to be coming home from work and then my mood goes totally downhill when she gets in that I usually have to escape to the swimming baths or something or other.

OP posts:
anorak · 08/06/2005 08:38

Good for you for standing up to her!

Original poster
SpanishEyes · 08/06/2005 09:12

Thanks Anorak!

and....i'm going to have a big breakfast in Debenhams!!!

OP posts:
stitch · 09/06/2005 10:46

spanisheyes, are you living at home, or still on the grassy verge?

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