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Relationships

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Original poster

Can a man and a woman ever be just friends?

18 replies

mammya · 21/05/2003 19:35

It?s been bothering me as I?ve always thought they could but? one of my best male friends has recently treated me with great insensitivity. I won?t go into detail but I really felt I was going on his nerves when I was feeling low and really needed my friends. That was a few weeks ago and I haven?t been in touch with him since, except to thank him for a brief ?happy birthday? text message he sent me. Apart from that message he hasn?t tried getting in touch either.

I?m really disappointed as I realise that I took him for a better friend than he actually is and I have a feeling that my mistake in all this was forgetting that he is not a woman, and expecting him to show as much empathy as a woman would. I?m also worried that he might have thought that I was after something more than just friendship (he is in a long term relationship and I?m not), when nothing could be further from my mind and as far as I am concerned, I didn?t do anything to give him that impression.

I?m now left wondering whether I was completely wrong to think we could be friends and am totally undecided as to what to do (or not do) next.

What do you guys think on the whole male-female friendship thing? Is it possible? Any men out there who could shed some light on this?

OP posts:

Tinker · 21/05/2003 19:38

Maybe he has some feelings for. Don't have time now but, no, don't really believe in a genuine male/female friendship without a hint of sexual attraction from one or other party. Except, of course, if one of you is gay.

pupuce · 21/05/2003 19:42

I agree with Tinker.... there is always a bit of sexual attraction from one of teh two at some point.... it may not lead to anything and it may not be from both....

wiltshirelass · 21/05/2003 19:43

and sometimes there is a LOT of sexual attraction on both sides and then it gets very messy and traumatic. and is never really resolved. erghhh.

doormat · 21/05/2003 19:58

my dp and I were friends for 7 years before we got it together. I must admit I was sexually attracted to him for years but it was never shown as we were both in relationships. Only found out recently that he felt the same towards me.

On the other hand I have 2 close male friends who are my dp's best friends. I am not at all attracted to them. They have been dp's best friends since they were all little and grew up together. They see me as an added package and are there for me, my children and if I have any probs I ask their advice as they know my dp better than me in some ways. At the same time I am there for them. That is what friends are for....

I must admit that I get on better with men than women. Must be the tomboy in me!!!!

lucy123 · 21/05/2003 20:01

No, it is perfectly possible to have a platonic male-female friendship. There may well be a hint of sexual attraction on one or both sides, but that doesn't have to adversly affect the relationship. (after all, who knows how many of your female friends are mildly attracted to you? )

mammya - there are all kinds of explanations for your friend's behaviour (girlfriend going funny? pre-occupied generally? or possibly he's just being very childish because something has made him realise you only want to be friends). Friends go flakey sometimes!

I hope you resolve things anyway.

meanmum · 21/05/2003 20:06

I have two very close male friends. There was never any sexual attraction on their part or my part. It was a different relationship to those I had with my girlfriends even though we did talk about everything. I think it is possible although hard to find.

breeze · 22/05/2003 10:01

From my experience, from a women's point of view she can be friends with a guy, but not the other way around (unless they are gay).

Tinker · 22/05/2003 10:12

For those who have platnoic friendships, and I have a lot of male friends, how deep are they compared to your female friendships? And I agree with lucy123's point about there may be some element of latent sexual attraction in very close female freidnships.

With close male friends, if I get to the 'tell everything' stage, I just pick up different vibes. Maybe men intrepret female closeness as sexual, I don't know. However, I'm finding it hard to think of an example of a genuine male friendship that hasn't involved some sexual attraction, mostly never acted upon at all, but certainly picked up on. Where there are no vibes, the friendship has some superficialality about it. Or maybe it's just me that can't maintain true platonic friendships

Original poster

mammya · 22/05/2003 21:01

Lots of insightful comments as ever on mumsnet
I've never noticed any attraction, latent or otherwise, between this particular friend and me, but then I'm not very good at noticing thse things (I'm not exactly Ms Subtle IYSWIM). Possibly this shows Breeze is right...
Interesting point Lucy123 about female friends, never thought of that (but then, see above...)
I suppose he must just have gone a bit flakey, or maybe I overreacted a bit (again).
Think I might just text or email him sometime next week just to say "hello how are things" and see how it goes.

OP posts:

eefs · 23/05/2003 09:17

I feel platonic frriendship is definitely possible. I'd say its when people settle for friendship when they really want more and making their move later on that seems to taint all male/female friendships with the same brush, i.e. platonic is not possible. FWIW I have a good number of close male friends (I work and went to college in a 90% male environment) and two of them are very close friends. I wouldn't exactly tell them everything i.e. start describing my monthly cycle to them, but nor would I to most of my female friends, that doesn't mean I'm any less close to them, and i'd definitely turn to them if I had a problem.
I'd also be quite friendly with my girlfriends partners, that doesn't mean we'd fancy eachother, but I would consider them friends.
So yes, I think it's possible to have platonic friendships.

Rhubarb · 27/05/2003 14:15

Perhaps you are looking too deeply into the male/female thing? Men aren't very good with emotional issues and perhaps he felt that you were trying to burden him with your emotions. Ask him straight out, men like straight talking. I have a few male friends, some of them very close, and we do have our fallings out as women friends do, but men don't seem to hold a grudge as much as women! Just ask him what the problem is and he will tell you. But from now on, ask female friends for emotional support.

Hughsie · 27/05/2003 14:22

I have a very good male friend who I do not find attractive at all - personality wise though he is fun to be with. he has jokingly flirted with me in the past but I'm pretty sure we both know that is all it is. I met him through work so he is my friend before my dhs but we are all friends really - we see him and his wife and kids occasionally but I know she has been uncomfortable with her dh saying I am his best friend.

Since having children we have probably grown apart a bit but i have always enjoyed having male friends.

Original poster

mammya · 27/05/2003 20:25

Rhubarb, you are spot on and that's exactly how I feel, ie, it's better to rely on female friends for emotional support and my mistake was to forget that like all men he's a bit crap when it comes to emotional stuff. He's quite a sensitive chap though which is why I forgot. I'm not sure about asking him straight though because I was really upset by some of his comments and still am in fact, so I don't think I'd be able to handle it with enough detachment IYSWIM.
I still think it's possible to be friend with a man though, it's just not the same kind of friendship as with a woman.

OP posts:

susanb · 27/05/2003 20:43

I believe you can have platonic male/female friendships - one of my very good friends is a bloke and he's also great friends with my dp. There was a time years back when he hinted at something more but I don't fancy him in the slightest so we both got over it. I have to say, he is far more direct and honest than most of my female friends, hence why we get on well.

Also, my dp'd best friend from childhood is a female. When we first met I thought it was a bit strange but once I met Lynn I realised that she was more like a sister to him than anything else. So to me its perfectly normal and possible for men and women to be best friends.

Bron · 28/05/2003 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meu · 06/07/2004 23:33

Hello mammya. Believe me, I am like your friend and you do sound like my friend(!).

Am sure if both of us talk openly then we will have a better idea about the what the other person in our life feels like!!!

Juz wondering how it would be possible.

nightowl · 07/07/2004 02:07

i had a male best friend for years. we went drinking together, he saved me from myself many times when i was depressed. i was his ex though (albeit was when i was only 15). no-matter how hard i tried to be mates with his gf, she hated me with a passion and soon enough put paid to our friendship.....its been four years but i still love him and miss him

eefs · 07/07/2004 12:47

I was going to reply, then realised I already had - last year! still think male/female freiendships are possible, but they have different qualtities than same-sex friendships.

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