Arrangements with Ex-husband upsetting new partner...

[almostabutterfly]

Hi - First time on here so please excuse me if I don't abbreviate correctly! Have read a few other threads and think I could use some impartial advice from the wise (that's you btw).

Ok, I have two daughters (7 and 4) and separated from my husband 2.5 years ago. He was a rubbish husband (struggled with the monogamy element of marriage)but is a good dad. Since we split up he has always seen the girls every other weekend and for tea on a Wednesday (he lives very nearby). The arrangement suits us all: most importantly, the girls are happy and doing well at school, have lots of friends etc.

My partner of two years is wonderful and loves the girls and me very much. The four of us (me, him and the girls) have lived happily together for around nine months now. We go halves on everything to do with the house, bills, food etc. He is very generous with the girls in terms of time and money. All has been great until last Friday he told me that I need to make a decision about the future in terms of the girls seeing their dad and the amount of money he pays in maintenance, albeit in the heat of a minor argument about something else.

I am lucky enough to work from home so I can be around for the girls and earn fairly decent money, while my ex pays £200.00 a month (he earns £40K +). My partner said that if my ex paid the CSA's rate I would be able to work less and be around more : I work anti-social hours (8.30-midnight) to get my contracted hours done six nights a week, but with my youngest on full school days from Monday next week I will be able to work through the day and take evenings off so spend even more time with my partner. So really, we are on the cusp of being able to spend time together every night of the week once we put the girls to bed.

He said that the current arrangement with my ex is unfair to him, but since this has been the arrangement that has been in place since I met him and that he's never complained about before (and it works for all other parties) is it fair that he expects me to cut the girls' dad out?

I know what I think, but it's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

Please be honest with me...would appreciate your opinions. Thanks!

MadameDefarge - Thought I had mentioned this is original post, sorry - new P said during the original argument that he thought that the girls seeing their dad mid-week was unsettling for them, when all evidence i.e. two happy little girls, shows that they are perfectly happy with the arrangement. Friends, family and teachers etc will all vouch for their well-adjusted, happy personalities. I think actually, yhe mid-week visit is more unsettling for P...

I think P gets saddened by the fact that the girls go off quite happily to their dad's when it is P that is around them most and on a day to day basis does more for them than their dad does. When the girls haven't seen their dad for a few days they are obviously bursting with things to tell him and to hug him, etc, and because the girls are so used to P being here they may not leap on him every time he walks in the door, but they do love him very much.

Oh dear, he needs to suck it up, in that case!
He sounds jealous, which is very immature IMO.

I´m with mine children all day and they run delightedly to see their dad when he arrives home, almost knocking him over in the process!

I´m sure it´s like that for many mums.

It´s just the way it is.

Seriously, he wouldn´t really want them to be more pleased to see him than their own father?

Is P currently paying, in effect, towards the cost of the girls? In which case, I can see how he might feel that if he's paying more than your ex, then this could be unsettling?

I agree with BonsoirAnna who made the point that you have to renegotiate all the time. I'd say your ex is earning more than enough to contribute more than £200 per month. Perhaps what your DP is suggesting htough is that his percentage of what costs are goes down? If say you live in a three bed house and he's paying50% of the rent, he's in affect paying also for half of one of the girls?

Unless he pays for lots of things over and above the £200 a month, he should be paying in line with the CSA's rates. That's one issue that stands alone.

I don't necessarily agree that if you are all happy with the arrangement then he has to like it or lump it. If it's something that is making him unhappy with his life with you and the girls then he should be able to say so, and how things impact on him should be at least considered. I'm a step-mum, can you tell .

The thing is though, I'm not sure what the issue is for him. Re the money, if it's that he wants you to work less, then it really depends on why you work. If it's purely for the money, then he has a point. But if you enjoy what you do, are building up a business for example, and want to do those hours, then the issue is for the two of you to discuss and isn't about your ex - and it sounds like you adjusting your hours may solve things anyway.

I am still confused though about how the arrangement with contact is unfair to him. Do you know what he means by that?

Ah, no, that was not evident. I can see you P's pain. But he is the grown up. He can't expect your dcs not to love, and to love seeing, and anticipate with happiness seeing their dad (and thank god for that, it could be so much worse!). But it is part of the deal.

As I parent I also suffer those pangs of chagrin that my ds just adores his dad...while i am doormat mum. I console myself with the idea that I am his emotional bedrock, and I enable him to have this relationship with his dad.

Maybe your Dp needs you to point out that his input is utterly invaluable, and a testament to his loveliness, but it is parenting sods law that the absent parent gets all the obvious manifestations of appreciation.

And you come as a package. Does he have dcs of his own? It sounds to me like he might not. It is almost impossible for a non-parent to get these things. But bless him, he is trying. But cutting down on your dcs contact with their dad is not the answer. But unless you are a parent you just don't get these things. Time to paint the bigger picture for him. After all, he doesn't want to be dealing with stroppy teenagers blaming him for being obstructive in their seeing their dad when they were little.

Still, that is all your choice, but maybe your dp just needs to reframe it. He sees you knackered, struggling. He reaches for reasons and solutions. Just getting the solutions a bit wrong.

I think the change in your working hours will really really help.

I do not think he should be trying to suggest that the children should not see their father mid-week. It is hardly in their best interests to come between them and their father. If he loves them a lot he should be able to understand that.

Thank you all so much - a real case of a problem shared here ...

P doesn't have his own children and I am SO incredibly fortunate to have found someone that loves me and the girls. P has played (and continues to play) such a huge role in the girls' lives and contributes enormously (not just in monetary terms) to providing them with a secure, fun and loving home. In two years this is our first "major" argument and I think that as so many of you have said, once I am no longer working til midnight every night there will be more time for us and I will be less tired and P won't try "fix it" by putting blame at my ex's door. Think we need to tell him more how much we want him!(Thanks for the step-parent's perspective Surfermum)

Thank you everyone, big time.
BlingLoving - we do have a three bed house, but we got a place that can accommodate his business meaning he no longer needs to pay for commercial premises, so it does actually even out mortgage/bills-wise. More often than not I also pay for more of the food etc too, so I don't actually feel that he pays over and above what he ought to. In honesty, I really don't think P's issue is about him paying more than my ex, just more the fact that if ex paid more I could reduce my hours slightly (be less tired and under less pressure to earn earn earn), but again, with littlest being on full days from Monday at school, for the first time in 4 years I will have free evenings, so I am hopeful that this should relieve some of the tension!

I will revisit the maintenance arrangement from my ex, but I'm NOT going to change the access as long as the girls are happy.

Tbh, I do think your exH should be paying more each month. Several years ago when DH split up from his first wife he was on about £40k and paid his ex £700 per month - they just have the one DS. I think £200/month is way too low and perhaps it is something you should look at - regardless of whether or not you want to change your working arrangements, it seems only right that your DDs' father should contribute a suitable amount towards them. Perhaps this is something that could be looked at via mediation rather than the CSA (or whatever the new org is called)?

I think it's an excellent idea to make him feel appreciated. It can be a thankless task being a step-parent. You're not mum or dad, you're a 3rd person and I think it takes a while to find your role and be confident in it. And while it is also a thankless task being a parent (I'm a mum too) you have that unconditional love thing that you just can't have with a step-child. You can love them, care for them in the same way, you can provide for them, do things with them, be great with them, but the love between you just isn't quite the same as the love between a biological parent and child. There's a subtle difference and while I don't agree with what your dp is suggesting about contact, I think it's him in a clumsy way saying "hey what about me".

So maybe as well as saying how much you appreciate what he does, he might need to hear what a great job he is making of it. I know it's something I used to appreciate, and something that gave me confidence in my relationship with dsd if dh, his parents, or friends told me "you're doing such a great job with her".

I think you're spot on that your ex has copped it and taken the blame for what he is feeling unsure about.

I don't think your new DP should ever pronounce about how you and your exH share parenting in quantitative terms, other than wanting to make it as fair as possible to both parents and to enable your DDs to see both their parents as much as possible. He really shouldn't be saying that your DDs should see less of their father - really, they should be seeing more of him, though I understand that the logistics of that are difficult.

But of course, he does have a right to pronounce on financial issues and on the logistics of family life - since those things affect him.

Your ex is paying a lot less than the CSA would ask of him, but I would not push it too much and rely on the CSA sorting things out if it all goes wrong. In fact I would do my best NOT to involve the CSA at all, especially if your ex is self employed.

It might be an idea to let your ex have a look at the calculator on the CSA wesbite so he can see for himself what he would be asked to pay if he went through the CSA so he knows you're not just asking for more for the sake of it.

I agree with you when you say you're not willing to change the contact between the children and their Dad though.

Quick update...Since our argument, P has been away working and we have both had space and time to think things through (and I've been able to get advice from all the mums that took the time to reply).

He came home last night and we had a heart to heart during which he admitted to having insecurities about how well he's doing as a step-parent and that he has tried to attach blame for his insecurities on my Ex-H. He said that when the girls are with us we work so well as a four and he has been taking the girls' excitement at seeing their dad as sign that he's not doing enough for them. I explained that he should try to take it as a complement that the girls take it for granted that he'll be there/read to them/play with them, because he ALWAYS does, and seeing their dad is a novelty for them. He recognised that we are actually in a very lucky position as a couple in that every other weekend we got time on our own, which is SUCH a privilege when you have children.

His life changed dramatically when he decided to be with me as I came as a very tightly bonded three, but because he took to it so naturally, I can see that I have neglected to tell him just how fantastic he is and how much happier we all are that he is in our lives.

In terms of Ex-H paying more maintenance, I think I will direct him to the CSA calculator (thanks ChocHobNob) so he can see what he would have to pay if we went down that route, although I am really not interested in him paying anything close to the full amount if it meant that he had to cut down on the fun things he does with the girls at weekends, etc.

Life changes as of next week when littlest is at school all day and I can free up my nights and spend more time with P and I am confident, now that we've talked it all through, that things are going to be ok.

Yey a happy result from the forum!