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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I losing my mind

18 replies

morningstar · 22/09/2009 20:35

Ive been with my partner for a very long time we have been together through alot we have two children but I have had problems with pnd.Im going through a tough time with dp I dont feel attracted to him anymore and dont know if i love him either. he works all the time and goes out with his friends three times a week while I, stay at home with the kids 24/7 with knowone but them, he never helps, puts me down tells me im lazy and I currently dont work because I wanted to spend time with my children and wasnt happy or have been for along time and have lost my enthusasim I worry abouty money who doesnt but feel like Im the worst mum ever and feel so unhappy.
I sometimes wander if i will ever not feel like a single parent and wander if it is normal to look at other men and fancy them but not my dp what do you suggest I do? maybe I should be grateful for what I have and its me please advice.

OP posts:

EachPeachPearMum · 22/09/2009 20:39

Sorry... I don't know if I am any help, but I didn't want you to go unanswered.
You sound very sad.
How old are your children?

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 20:45

4yrs and 20 mnths, im very sad I cant get a job and feel never satisfied in anything I dont know where to turn to anymore, thank you for replying to me xx.

OP posts:

AntdamnTheDM · 22/09/2009 20:49

Have you thought about speaking to someone about the way you are feeling?

Maybe you could try talking to your dp.
Maybe ask him to look after the kids one night, let you go out with a couple of mates and let your hair down. Or if friends don't live nearby, get a babysitter and go out with your DP.

I don't think it is very nice of him to call you lazy when you are looking after his children. That's a difficult job in itself. If he thinks its easy, you should go out on a saturday morning for the day to the town or something and leave him with the kids, see how easy he thinks it is then.

Sorry, you sound so sad, your DP should be taking care of you.

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 20:53

Thank you the thing is I never think of me and I rarely go out I have lost my identity and I would never tell my friends all the details as they talk as I have found out this so thats why I confided in MN this is my salvation and I can say how I really feel. xx

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EachPeachPearMum · 22/09/2009 20:54

They are still young, and very much hard work at those ages.
What would you like? Do you want more help from him? Do you want time to yourself? Do you want to do more things together as a family?
You need to tell him how his behaviour makes you feel- it certainly isn't acceptable to call you lazy- you are obviously far from lazy if you are raising 2 children effectively by yourself.
Are you still on ADs at all? or is it time to speak to your GP for help with that?

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 20:58

Im still on ad have been since my son was 4 years old , im on 40mg of Citropram, I want him to stop being a tight arse and help and stop putting me down and spend time with me as a family which he is trying to do at the weekends which is great but doesnt help the way I feel about him as he comes home late from work as a new business goes to bed and our ds stays up untill he falls asleep which I feel is not on and he has school the next day.

OP posts:

AntdamnTheDM · 22/09/2009 20:59

Yeah I echo what EachPeach is saying.

You will have to start thing about what you want from your DP. In order to make a better life for you and your children

Maybe now is a good time to confide in a close friend how you are feeling, so you can have some RL support?

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 21:05

thanks I will everyone thank you for listening xx

OP posts:

AntdamnTheDM · 22/09/2009 21:09

No problem at all Morningstar. Hope you get what you need.

Don't be afraid to come on here and ask for support/advice/help when you need.

EachPeachPearMum · 22/09/2009 21:09

Okay- money... he is being tight fisted? Have you told him what you need money for? His income is your family income- he shouldn't have control over it, or any more say in how it is spent. I know- it is easy for me as an anonymous internet person to say this- but really... this is an unequal partnership if he "gives" you money. It isn't his to give- you are both working, it's just that he is remunerated for his time and you are not. It doesn't make your work less valuable, or mean it should be less valued- in fact I doubt he would be able to work all hours if you were not there looking after his children.

Do you need help with bedtime routine? Or is DS just staying up to see his dad before bed?
tbh on days when dh (or I!) work late, we tell our eldest that he'll kiss her when she's asleep and he gets home... she isn't allowed to stay up, or she would be a nightmare in the morning!

Maybe you need to breakdown what you would like to change, and tackle one thing at once? Would getting one thing changed help? It would be an achievement, that you could be proud of, and give you confidence that you could change other things too, given time.

Do you want to keep your marriage if things were different?

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 21:20

Yes I love him very much and he is a good dad when he is with the kids,tonight he sorted our dd out for the first time and gave me a break he also has started to make a effect at the weekends with us as a family, ony becuase i spely out i was a single parent and had enough .
I dont want sex with him as his hair is a mess and he looks like a yetti and its not very sexy and when he moans and complains i dont want to be sexual with him.
I feel he is in control of the money but he does pay everything and now gives me half his wages which he pays the rent, bills and left over is about £200 for food but still moans about that so i feel pressured to get a job and its hard with two jobs to try and fit that in around the kids and with childcare.
He is not romantic and never takes me out if he does its the boring local and i feel i deserve better, sorry but im blurting this all out now why cant i have friend like you.

OP posts:

EachPeachPearMum · 22/09/2009 21:34

You made me smile... but I am not this good in rl

You need to tell him he is becoming scruffy- men just don't notice stuff like that usually- I am assuming he wasn't yeti-like when you got together? Offer to cut his hair... either he'll let you- result, or he'll be horrified at the thought and go to the barbers... result!

Try and find somewhere you think is romantic, and suggest that you go there when you have the chance to go out- people go for the 'boring local' because it's safe- they've been before, they had an okay time, so they'll go again. If you find somewhere new you'd like to try, he'll probably be glad that he hasn't had to find it himself.

It sounds like changes are happening though (eg on the money front, helping with dd etc)- so he does want to make it work too... which is a great sign. Small steps, but it can lead to big change.

Now if only I knew how to make people happy....

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 21:38

Well your on a big step to making me happier thank you,xx men if only the thought like a women we would have to moan about how useless they were thank you so much xx

OP posts:

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 21:39

sorry i meant we wouldnt have to moan ha ha

OP posts:

EachPeachPearMum · 22/09/2009 21:51

Hope things improve for you MS- it sounds like you both want to save your relationship, which is good, and there's every chance you'll be able to.

Original poster

morningstar · 22/09/2009 21:57

Thank you, you have made me smile and its been a while thank you so much for a being a friend to me i hope we speak again in the future hopefully i can lend a ear if you ever need one xx all the best to you.

OP posts:

EachPeachPearMum · 23/09/2009 22:13

Hope things have gone a little better today ms.

ADifferentMe · 23/09/2009 22:20

MS - I remember replying to a similar thread of yours a few weeks back (we have similar husbands!). Sorry that things don't seem to have improved.

Have you made any headway with letting him know how you feel? As a last resort, you could try writing it down. Did this with mine many years ago and he was horrified at how unhappy I was - he just hadn't realised.

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