don't get on with my parents. would i be better off not bothering with them anymore?

[babbit83]

hi this is my first time on here.I have recently fell out with my mum again but this time i feel like i don't want to bother with my parents anymore as i have tried to sort things out with them a few times but don't seem to get anywhere. i have a half brother and a sister both younger than me and they too are not talking to me now due to the fact i am not talking to my parents, but they always do that. my mum and dad both had bad child hoods and that is there reason for bringing me up the way they did, my mum and dad gave me verbal abuse as well as physical and mental abuse. when my dad has had a drink on occasions he has always said sorry for hitting me, due to feeling guilty maybe? but my mum doesn't seem to think that she treated me badly, she says she had it worse than i did. no excuse in my opinion! my real dad used to beat my mum up when we were babies she left him and them married his brother who is my step dad (the dad i am talking about now) i have nothing to do with my real dad either. i had a bad relationship when i was 19 years old and it was an abusive one. so i had that to deal with and also my parents trying to kick me out all the time. i did not take this so well and had a breakdown and took an overdose and luckily i was ok spent some time in hospital and had to see a shrink. my parents were ok with me and treated me a bit better for a few weeks then they tried to kick me out again. they kept saying i had a screw lose and i was trouble. so finally i asked a friend if i could live with her and i did and then got my own place. they did help me with a deposit for the house which i gave back out of my college grant. but after that they did not visit much at all. and when ever i visited them we had a row and i would leave crying. i met my husband and three years later we got married. my mum didn't speak to me for a month because i wanted to leave from a friends house due to her having dogs and i didn't want them jumping up at my wedding dress. i got in touch with my mum first and they still treated my badly. and hardly bothered with me. i got pregnant and suddenly it was like my mum had changed and wanted to know me. but all she did was give me grief and boss me around about what i should do with my baby and pregnancy. my baby ended up being breech and i had to have a c section and because my mum had had three c sections she started bossing me and the nurses around. i was trying to have the baby turned before having a c section but my mum was having none of it. i secretly went back with just me and my husband to have an evc where they turn the baby. it didn't work and i ended up having a c section. and had a lovely baby girl. she is now 17 months old and my mum was all over her when she was tiny but as soon as she got to 12 months and started having tantrums she hardly bothers with her and never takes her out. wow i have wrote alot. but there is sooo much more. but i am waffling now. i feel kinda guilty for not wanting to bother with them anymore, but with time will this pass? has anyone else been in this situation?

Your sister is probably being told all sorts from their side and is probably 'conditioned' to be loyal to them. She might realise one day. Eventually all 3 of us realised and we all stick together now thankfully. My brother tried to cut them out when we were a lot younger and my parents basically turned us against him and he eventually came back home. I feel so bad about that as I realise now what he went through . It'll not happen again!

I also don't bother with 'occasions', I expect they might think of turning up at the end of oct when ds is 2 but I hope the police call they had will keep them away cause I don't want a scene.

In fact, my mum is an expert at using 'occasions' to cause as much bother as possible as it's an occasion and everyone has to be nice so she gets away with more iyswim?

She kept my wedding dress for 4 years as a kind of bargaining tool to keep me in touch (I couldn't care less, i'm already married and do not need my dress to prove it). Anyway the second time I broke contact she sent the dress to me in a parcel on my birthday just to try and upset me and make me feel like the baddy .

Sorry I don't mean to take over your thread, just wanted to give you some examples of how i've been treated so you can see you're not alone.

Some of the stories on here make me so sad.

I haven't spoken to my Mother since before Christmas, it used to me me making all the effort and every phonecall was designed to make me feel bad about myself and feel sorry for her so I decided after Christmas I am not going to phone her anymore she can phone me. And she hasn't. I got a nasty note in with a birthday card saying that she didn't know what she had done wrong and why I had a grudge against her (again poor me) so I wrote her a letter saying I am just making as much effort as you do, I have asked you to come and visit, offered to pick you up and pay your train fare but you have said no so there's little more I can do. I said you don't know what you are missing with the DDs etc.

She wrote back and the letter was just, well exactly what I expected, everything was all my fault and that even as a toddler I made her feel I was above her, wtf? as I was so independent (like most little girls I know), she went on to say she hasn't had the benefit of a uni education like I did and I am the barrier between her and the DDs. Again it was feel sorry for me, so in a nutshell she treated me like crap because as a baby I pushed her away and said I will do it myself and my brother didn't so she put all her energy into him and I was made to feel like a spare part. She is incredibly jealous of me (everyone says it) even to the point that she didn't want me to have 3DC as I would have bettered her and told me it was for the best if I have a mc. She told me things like DP will leave me as I cannot give him a boy as all men really want boys (of course she has a boy).

So sorry I digress in the past 10 months I have not missed her nasty phonecalls at all. I miss having a Mum around like other people but I do not miss her at all. She also did the "well I had it harder than you routine" all the time. Is that maybe what it is with some mothers this jealousy thing? They see us having more opportunities, the world is more pro-women than their generation etc

yeh thats what i think and i think they are doing the same to my brother too.
we fell out a couple of weeks before my birthday, they contacted me and said the same old blah blah we love you crap. course my mums birthday is the day after mine. so maybe she just wanted to see if i got her something maybe?
i fell for it and went over to see them and my brother did not speak to me he didn't even say happy birthday to me, not even a card. my sister did not speak to me either. they all just spoke to to my dd.
i was sooo upset and really regretted getting back in touch with them.
i am glad you and your brothers stick together but i don't think that is going to happen with me.
no not at all it makes me feel good to know that i am not alone in all this and hearing what you have been through as well.

hey sweetkitty, i am surprised that there are so many daughters out there having the same problem with there mothers as i am.
i admire you and think you are a strong person for getting on with your life for that amount of time.
it has only been two weeks and already i am feeling guilty and to blame. but i guess thats how they want it and all thanks to the way they have treated us.
i can't believe your mum said that to you about you having 3 children and her wanting you to miscarry.
you are so much better off without her. yes i am sure we will miss having a mother in our lives but we really don't need these bad ones do we?

Sweetkitty - Your mum has obviously got her own issues that have been there since before you came along. Of course this is not your fault but she seems to want to make you feel like it is

I don't blame you for not bothering, what a surprise she has assumed the victim role. It gets me so mad when they do this as we are the actual victims and they steal that away iyswim.

babbit - Sorry your siblings are not sticking by you. I bet if they didn't have your parents 'input' they would get along with you a lot better. It's all very sad. I miss having a mother but I don't miss my mother as kitty said. You can't choose your family.

Just concentrate on your family, the family you have made that don't treat you so bad.

dalrymps i really hope your mum stays away and leaves you in peace now and to get on with your life.
yeh i think my brother will never take my side he is the golden child the fave.
but i am upset about my sis she is my real sis and we were so close when we were little, but then she grew up and changed so much.
oh well i do think i am better off not knowing any of them that way its a clean slate and i can concentrate on my lovely family my dh who is so good to me and i love him so much and my gorgeous little dd who is so lovable which makes me happy because i know i am doing right by her and she is obviously not deprived of love and cuddles.

Thanks I hope so too.

Maybe your sis will come round one day but that's not for you to worry about.

Sounds like you have a wonderful dh and dd and are a fantastic mother , that's what matters!

Thanks Dalrymps you are very kind, maybe when my sister starts a family of her own she might understand, that your own family is more important than trying to keep favour with mum.
I think my mum will then try to run the way she brings up her baby.

Thank you, it sounds like you have a wonderful loving family. And yes that is what matters.

Sorry I didn't get back yesturday Babbit, I will answer your question. I have had a terrible relationship with my mother for years. I don't blame her exaclty, she is unwell and cannot help her actions or the nasty things she says. The problem is, she will not accept help (and me and my brother are still trying to get her help). There are only so many times you can have your help thrown back in your face before you give up. So now, I don't see her. I support my brother in trying to sort this mess out and so hope I can help from a distance IYSWIM.

There were so many times in my childhood when I listened to endless fights and she said awful things to me. (of course I'm JUST like my father.....who is Satan himself according to my mum)and I will not let my child have those experiences, so I have removed myself to protect him. There was one time where I felt he was in actual physical danger and that was when I left. I didn't speak to her for a long time but as you've said, christmas is the key! I started seeing her again but it all went pear shaped. I'm not going there again. It's not fair on DS.

I'm am lucky to have a wonderful mother in law, who I consider to be my mum now.

Don't even get me started on my step-mother.....!

littlepurpleprincess - I too believe my mum needs help but like yours she won't accept any.

I also have an absolutely wonderful mil who is like a mother to me

It was different when it was just me and her fighting but now ds is involved I am being a lot more carefull.

me too, for my own sake and his. Life is much better now.