dh completely unable to relate on an emotional level

[marriedtotheborg]

don't know where to start really. i love him a lot and he is a great partner on many levels. just not anything to do with feelings or whatever. i just spilled out a lot of unhappiness that had been building up lately (i feel a bit overwhelmed by care of our 2 young children) and as usual got complete brick wall. he just sits in silence after i have finished talking.

i begged him to talk to me but he said he didn't have the answers. i said i didn't expect him to, just talk to me so i don't feel alone with it, but he always makes some excuse / refuses. has ended with him going out. i am alone and lonely. i try not to bother friends with personal stuff from our family life. so here i am hoping strangers ona talk board might give me a few words and do what my husband refuses / cannot do for me

I think it might help if you explain the difference between emotional support and practical support to your DH

Emotional support is all about just letting you have an outlet and listening to you. Most chaps just seem to suggest solutions when all you might need to do is get your thoughts and emotions straight

Does he understand the difference?

I do agree with SGB about neediness - it does become very wearing, so worth thinking about that as well

"TBH you do sound a bit demanding and hard work." - yes, i know - i do try to make up for it in other ways i think he enjoys my plus side so i guess this is the down side he has to put up with

"it suggests that you are perhaps the type who wants to whine on and on about your problems but refuses to listen to any helpful suggestions"
no that wasn't the problem i;ve had - probably a bit long to get into here though and not totally relevant to the issue with dp - but just explaining why no very close female friends (it is by choice, not that they have cut me off)

i do see what you are saying, SGB, and i have worked on accepting him for how he is, as much as i can - also done a lot of work to change the more annoying and demanding aspects of my own character! but tbh, i do think complete silence when your other half has confided some difficulties, is a problem and does need to be changed
i'm not asking him to enjoy a long emotional conversation, but just - nothing at all - now words - just silence - is hard to accept and feels like cruel behaviour (though i know it is not deliberate cruelty)

The thing is, you mention that he tries to give you a hug (ie is trying to offer you what support he can) and you push him off and won't have it. That's the sort of thing that makes you sound a bit unreasonable - you want him to support you specifically on your terms, ie do what he's told. This is somethign a lot of people would resent.

What's his background? Does he have a good relationship with his family etc? Some people find it very very hard form emotional bonds if those they had as a child weren't 'normal'.

Sounds like Aspergers to me.

Sounds very like my dh, who has been diagnosed with Aspergers, tbh.

SGB yes I do see what you're saying. When I feel tense and uptight, I don't like being touched, though, I expect I could have counselling to change this behaviour, but it would be a lot easier if he could just accept this and not try to cuddle me when I'm upset, but instead talk to me. I honestly have changed loads and loads over the last 10 years we have been together. I've stopped nearly all my worst annoying / demanding behaviours, overcome addictions, etc. I am not asking him for a complete personality overhaul, but some contribution to keeping me cared for on an emotional level. I do think partners should try to look after one another emotionally to some extent - not take the responsibility for it, but at least help with it. I try to look after him by giving him space and respect which is what he needs. I don't always achieve it.

About the aspergers- not sure what it would mean to him to get a diagnosis of this (if indeed he is).

He has a terrible relationship with his parents and his childhood certainly wasn't normal. I always say it is a miracle he is such a good father as he has not experienced good sensitive parenting!

We are all demanding sometimes.... Blokes often don't do emotions...

Think you might just have to accept that he is like that, so while you may feel the need to break down and cry on occasion, as we all feel inclined to do for whatever reason; he may need some help in being there for you.

Is there anyway you could, when calmer and collected, have a conversation with him about it? Along the lines of "I know sometimes I kick off, seem unreasonable, and perhaps I am, but it'd just help me to regain control if you did just give me a hug, or hear me out and say it'll be OK?"

It's worth a try...

oh gosh...this could be my DH. In fact I was debating posting. I too wonder about ASD.

He is completely unemotional and just blanks my emotions out. I am under extreme stress at work at the minute and have been crying on and off - I mean really sobbing sometimes. He just acts like nothing is going on - not a hug, nor a 'whats wrong' - just literally carries on like nothing is happening.

I cant remember the last time I had an affectionate hug or kiss. He doesnt sit and cuddle me on the sofa. He hasnt told me he loves me in years. He doesnt understand why people would tell each other they love each other - surely I should know he does?

I feel very very lonely - like you I try to tell friends etc but its not the same as being a partner. Sometimes I wonder what I get from the relationship. Its exhausting having to cope with it all alone.

Sorry no answers - just some empathy (how ironic lol)

Have you read Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus? I know it's quite old now, but I think a lot of it is still relevant. It explains - among other things - about how men and women communicate differently, and how sometimes if women want to just get it all of their chests, men think they are being asked for a solution. Often men just don't know what we want from them.
IMO that would be a better first step than deciding he may have a disorder. Best of luck

What would you like him to say? Perhaps he just doesn't know what to say? I'm not sure I would in this situation - it sounds a bit as though you want him to say something really specific to reassure you and make you feel listened to. You've told him that you don't want to be hugged, could you tell him what words would make you feel better next time you're upset? Like 'I love you, and I can see how hard this situation is for you, but I think you're dealing with it really well'. And maybe in turn you could say the same thing back to him??

If you still suspect Aspergers,this may be helpful.

oh FFS DON'T read Men Are From Mars or any other of John Gray's stupid sexist shit. It's not helpful, it's unscientific nonsense perpetrating stereotypes and basically can be summed up in one sentence 'Men don't do feelings - or housework - so shut up and suck my cock'.

LOL

Try saying 'I'm not going to go on about this but xyz is bugging me and I need a little rant...' But keep it shortish.

solidgoldbrass