Aqquaintances/Friendships How long do you give it?

[Gravitygirl]

Im after a bit of advice on a long emotive subject for me, I appreciate that I am a fragile person at the best of times and am looking for responses to help me see this more clearly.

Basically I have a group of mums that I have known for a while ( 2/3 years) we are all friends on facebook and I am included in meeting up occasionally.... the thing is everyone else is so much more friendlier to each other than with me, its come to a crux ( for me) as its one of the kids birthdays today and everyone has been invited to the birthday party except for me and my children
Am I just an aqquaintance to them? do I keep going along with this in the hope I become a friend one day or should I give up and move on?
This really hurts and I dont know how much more to try and make an effort, surely by now if I was seen as part of a group it would have happened?

Im not sure how much more I can take seeing via facebook about fantastic days out ( not included), pitures of events ( not included) etc etc..... ( the curse of facebook i guess) but this isnt doing my self esteem much good...

What do you think?

Hmmmmm that's a difficult one to offer advice on without knowing you. Do you ever see any of them on their own, or only as a group?

I have seen some of them over the years on their own, but mostly in groups of three or more... There was one who I saw more regularly who I thought was a friend but realised recently that her loyalty wasnt with me....and that her friendship with this 'group' was more important..

The bottom line is Im not sure I can deal with this constant feeling of 'not good enough' when it comes to these people, my husband says I should just take it for what it is but I cant, everytime I see that they have gone out again or parties etc it hurts that for whatever reason I was not included..

where did you meet them? have they known each other longer?

have you ever said, oh that looks fun (what was i doing then?) and see what they say? to see if they are intentionally not inviting you. maybe they think you wouldnt be interested?

do you have other friends?

have you ever invited them to something?

If I were you I would make friends with some new people. I know that it really hurts but do gtry and find those who want to include you in their number. Even if it just starts with one other mum.
I hate cliques but they are part of life unfortunately.

I alos find that having one or two close trusted friends is far better than having a lot of aquaintances.

We all met through a pregnancy forum, I would assume since my children are slightly older ( by 4 months) that I am one of the founders (if that doesnt sound pathetic)
I have invited them all out/over lots of times, infact its only when I make the effort do I see them, it is extremly rare that I am invited out of their own back..
I am too sheepish to say anything to the pictures etc, I have tried it once or twice with the friend I thougt was a friend but it hasnt got me very far.Im not sure why they would think I was not interested in going out I am a sahm and have time to fill.

I do have a few other friends yes, but most of them work.
Please be gentle with me if Im reading this all wrong .

I was in a similar position after the birth of DS1.

In the end, I threw away the list of all their contact details (we had been an NCT ante-natal group). Had this been in the fb era I would have deleted them all there too.
This was about 6 months after our babies had been born so I'm obviously less tolerant than you!

Anyway, once I moved my focus away from trying to keep'in' with these witches mums, I was so relaxed and made new friends who were much more on my wavelength.

Life's too short for one-way relationships.

I know this sounds a bit rich, given that I am on MN, but I think you could do with trying to meet more people in the real world rather than the virtual one.

I'd forget about these women, it's not worth the upset and steer clear of Facebook for a while.

Go to playgroups and music classes etc and try and meet more mums that way. Don't waste your time with a group of cliquey women that are causing you upset.

The three dimensional world is much better for forming friendships than the virtual one.

Thankyou for you replies ( and to know Im not alone in this happening) I feel like a total mug/hanger on that maybe they dont want around for whateer reason ( I am a nice person and good friend, given the chance)

My problem is how do I go about just wiping them off my facebook etc, especially the one I thought was more of a friend. They will probably think Im some over reactional wierdo ( I know I should be past caring by now) but not sure how to go about this... Should I write an email?

i would just unfriend them on facebook. they won't know unless they specifically look on their friend list.

keep your one friend if you like.

but i wouldn't do anything as dramatic as write an email. it's unlikely to suddenly make them see the error of their ways and include you more.

are you close enough to the one friend to ask why?

I have tried to ask this 'friend' before but as I said earlier she does not wish to do anything that may rock the boat with the group..

I am so scared of just deleting them all as it would pretty much mean I have cut off any opportunity of going out with people ( even thouh its few and far between) and what about if I bump into them in the street?

Why is it so difficuly lol ( i know im a chicken)

what you need to do first if get a few other friends, then this won't seem so important. find out about play groups in your area, check on mumsnet local, ask a few of your other friends round and ask them for ideas.

Has something special happened regards this ONE mum you thought was more of a friend?

You say "There was one who I saw more regularly who I thought was a friend but realised recently that her loyalty wasnt with me...."

What happened? Why should she need to prove any loyalty to either? Have you put her on the spot? Have you asked her to chose you before the group? Have you been rubbishing the group?

Dont answer me, just ponder this to yourself.

But I agree you should go out more and meet mums, go to baby groups in your church hall, music classes, gymboree, etc, and you will soon meet other mums.

don't wipe them, just don't look at their profiles, and you can stop getting their news feeds - just choose the option. that might make you feel better.

don't worry about cutting them off, just focus on making a few new friends.

They aren't worth the upset they are causing you. I think there is an option to hide their profiles/news feeds with them still remaining your friend. After a few months if they have still not contacted you just delete them.

Thanks again,

I think I will hide these people and not look and step away from facebook for a while.
I guess that time will tell....

Thanks for helping me think about this.

I would delete my FB account.

Stop calling them.

Stop thinking of them as friends.

After 2-3 years if it hasn't become a real friendship I doubt it will.

Leave them to get on with it.

I have no real friends near by but it is better than being with people who don't really want you around.

Whereabouts are you in the country? I am sure there will be a mumsnetter who would love to meet up.

Gravitygirl, life is too short for wasting time on people that don't make you feel good about yourself. Get yourself out and about, as others have said, as a means of making new friends.

Forget about this group, if you get an invite in the future, then decide then if you want to go and if you don't, don't sweat it!

I tend to treat people how they treat me, so if I have a particularly unreliable friend, I wouldn't cut ties as such, but I wouldn't worry too much about breaking an arrangement should the need arise.

I also have loyal friends who I have known years who I would always show utmost consideration and loyalty to.

And dont email them and tell them anything. It will just seem like an attentioseeking tantrum.