Leaving kids with grandparents

[NotQuiteCockney]

I know lots of parents leave their kids with their grandparents for periods of time, a weekend here, a week there. After a rather harrowing week with my in-laws, I'm thinking about leaving DS1 there for a few days, next time I want a break when school is out.

He is nearly four. He loves his grandparents.

But their parenting style is just so so so different from mine. It's almost exactly the opposite of what I strive for. They are constantly verbally critical (not abusive, though). They feel DS1 should be quiet and calm all the time. They're inconsistent. They shout and bicker with each other, too, although again, not exactly abusively.

Is this what most older (60sish) people feel and expect? Do I just respect DS1's wishes, and let him go if he wants to?

I would let him go, if he doesnt like it than he doesnt have to go again, he might just enjoy it.

my mum is like that and ds loves going there They prob don't act that way when you aren't there I know my mum is less harsh when she is with ds on her own Let him go he will soon let you know if he doesn't like it

They won't really be parenting him, just looking after him for a few days - a huge difference IMO. It will do him some good to appreciate that adults have different rules, useful preparation for school.

They'll still love him to bits which is the main thing. And they'll love telling their friends about it.

And you get a break. Everyone wins.

hi NQC
i left mine,ds 7 and dd 5 with the in-laws last year,i don't agree with anything they do or say but the children love them and had a great time,i spent the first 3 days missing them like mad and i didn't enjoy my break but i look forward doing it again this year and this time i will make the most of it.your ds will be fine and they might be totally different when they're on their own with your ds.

Thanks for all the quick answers ...

Yeah, I probably will just leave him to it. The problem is, I can't/don't drive at the moment, so if he gets fed up sooner than we expect, it's hard to get him back.

They probably are milder with him when they're on their own with him - they certainly get on fine with him when they go out alone for a few hours. They see other kids running about and being raucous, and they seem to accept that this is normal for kids these days.

And of course, different rules for different places makes sense. I do object to the way my in-laws treat each other though - I certainly wouldn't want my sons to think that was an appropriate way to be.

The only parenting thing I need to make sure they won't do is smacking - I know they hit their kids, although not badly. I don't think I could stand to have my kids hit.

Hi, don't worry my in-laws look after ds all the time, and they frequently argue, but ds tells me they do it alot less when alone with them, he's the apple of their eye and they change their focus to look after him and stop bickering, only down side he comes home very spoilt and needs to be reminded for a few days that nothing gets done without his please and thank you!! In-laws have very different ideas of looking after child (thankfully not smacking)but ds turned out just wonderful (he's 8 now) but they looked after him 3 days a week from age 6m. Enjoy the break!!

My DS gets left with my parnets about once a month for a day or an overnight and they all love the experience. Mind you, me and DS lived with my parents for the first 6 months of his life so somehow he's sufficiently imprinted on them never to mind staying with them. THough he didn;t really see much of his own dad till he was nearly 1 and now probgably loves his dad more than anyone else in the world.. go figure. It's good to leave DCs with relatives/friends who love them every now and again, cos you get a break and the DCs get a change, which is good for them.

i'd say he's old enough to come back and say 'i don't want to go again, they argued / told me off etc' if he doesn't enjoy himself.

As long as they aren't smackers, won't be feeding him lard or teaching him to run with scissors, then it can't hurt too much. He'll have to be around adults with different personalities and ways eventually i suppose.

Yep, I'd let him go. My ex dh's parents pareting style doesn't coincide with mine but I think the benefits outweigh it.

If he wants to and you're happy with it then do it. If you're really not happy with it - don't. Leave it a while and see how you feel in a few months. My boys (8 & 6) first had a weekend with my parents when they were 5 & 3. They were fine. Last November my dd1 (who was nearly 3) went as well. They loved it. Dd2 is 7 months and there is no way I could leave her with anyone else yet, because I wouldn't be happy. None of them have stayed overnight with my mil (she hasn't been speaking to us for 6 months , but apparently the grandchildren not staying with her is one of her problems with us). She lives a four hour drive away, she has specifically gone against our wishes on other babysitting afternoons - gave ds2 a sparkler when he was 2 - and favours ds1 obviously over the others ... always makes ds2 cry with her harsh words.There is no way I'd let them stay with her because I don't trust her.

As someone has said it will do him good to spend time with people who have different ideas. He must have SOME idea of what they are like and if he wants to spend time with them still, then I am sure you are reading too much into it.

I'm afraid the worst thing you'll probably find is that he's had a great time and hasn't mentioned you once!
I agree you need to make it clear that smacking is not their job and they simply won't need to go that far (if he's anything like my kids anyway) because other methods work fine.
The only problem I've had has been with babies - my mum was always trying to feed mine new things and I found weaning and first foods a very intimate personal thing. I provided packed lunches and had to be very clear that they weren't to have anything else (my dd used to go to each GM one day a week when I was working).