I know I'm being unreasonable about my MIL and am trying to get over myself-any ideas?

[randomtask]

The background; DH and DSS lived with his parents after his first wife died which meant MIL forgot she was DSS's Nanny and not Mummy. We got married last year and it's been difficult as MIL hasn't coped with giving up her Mummy role to DSS and has interfered, causing us to be upset and DSS to be confused. DH has been amazing and spoken to her about it regularly and she then backs off for a little while then changes tactics.

We've bought a house and are doing it up before we move in. My Dad has been doing the bathroom/kitchen, FIL has been doing building bits with his boss. IL's were on holiday during the first week and MIL didn't react well when she found out my Mum had been helping during the first weekend. MIL asked if she could go in and 'wash down the woodwork' during the week when FIL was there. DH said yes (thinking she wouldn't do it) and it turns out she's been in 3 days this week (whilst we're at work) and started painting DSS's room. Thankfully the coloured paint isn't in the house so she's been sealing the plaster with white. The woodwork hasn't been cleaned or sanded so it's now been started in the 'wrong order' and we know she's just done this so she can tell DSS she has 'done his room' for him.

We know she means well but they're 'helping' tomorrow too which normally means MIL talks to you and you waste a few hours, then she naffs off leaving you to catch up and rush home to get DSS fed and in bed on time. We're also annoyed as we as DH puts it, feel we've been 'intruded' upon somehow, MIL has now told us what we need to do to our house (and thus we're feeling like it's not our home/project anymore) and FIL has somehow managed to get our spare door key off his boss.

Before you say it, I know she's meaning well, I know she's helping and we should be grateful, as DH said, it's just 'how' she's helping that's the problem. Added to this, I've just come off the pill so I suspect my hormones aren't right and really don't want to get annoyed or snappy with her tomorrow as I really do appreciate the sentiment, just not the reality of it.

Any ideas?!

Buda-will definitely tell her that DSS wanted to do it himself. Problem is then she'll get upset that she's 'ruined it' for him.

She broke one of our old lights the other day (was meant to be used in a local exhibition on the 70's) and was so 'upset' that she apparently nearly called me at work, waited til DSS was out of the room to tell DH and then 'confessed all' and was really worried I'd be upset. Anything can and will be a drama.

Unfortunately I'm the opposite and can't stand drama or faffing!!

Awh poor woman. She lost her son, then looked after her DGS when his mother (also her DIL) died, then had to get used to someone new in her family becoming her grandson's DSM (However lovely you may be). It's not surprising she's having trouble adjusting and is being a bit difficult.

I agree with Custardo. Can't you clearly outline a task for her to do so that she is involved but stays out of trouble?

The problem is the task was clearly outlined for her, she just decided to do something different. She's a lady who doesn't like being told what to do, however nicely/gently, and she's prone to hissy fits. She has issues with recycling as she thinks it's the government telling her what to do and often says she's done her bit of being considerate of others and now can't be bothered. Problem is DH says she was never considerate of others (his brother used to argue a lot with her which obviously doesn't help as he died after problems with alcohol).

DH has tried telling her in the past she's not making things easier for DSS and although she reacts accordingly, she then forgets. That's what I struggle with the most-if she wants to be so involved with him, she should care about his feelings more than hers.

I agree she's had a shit time which is why I bite my tongue but, I know she was just as bad when DH was married the first time and his brother was alive. His first wife had a code for 'no parental involvement' and she didn't mean hers... MIL used to call and ask when DH's MIL had last seen DSS. If it was more recent than she had, she'd drop everything to visit-400 miles away....

Tell her that her Grandsons room is a no go as he wants to do it himself.

I´m torn between feeling sorry for her as she must have been an enormous help to her son & grandson, and it must seem to her that the thanks she gets is that she is turned away when no longer needed.

Also, you have your own Mum & Dad helping, & your FIL so you can´t exclude her.

But she needs to respect you & her son enough to not decorate as feels in her house.

That's the problem-we've been making jobs for her to do to make her feel needed (and often making life more difficult for ourselves but thinking it's important) and I don't think anything will ever be enough.

My Dad is a plumber and is fitting toilets, bathrooms and kitchens for free. My Mum has come along a couple of Saturdays, asked what needs doing and just literally wallpaper stripped for 2 days. We're happy for MIL to help, just asking first and her not taking over my new bloody house would be wonderful.

Unfortunately she doesn't respect DH (even has been known to tell him off for DSS not wearing a coat on a boiling hot day) and as a result, probably not me. She's very patronising if I've done something well (which I breath deeply through) or, she ignores it as she can't deal with someone else being capable (I prefer ignoring, it's easier).

But I do have the arse as FIL has just called and told me we need more white paint (the pot I bought last week was so large I could hardly carry it and would have done 200m without the first washed down layer. What the F*&k has she done in my house?!

Has she never respected your hubby, or only since she was drawn back into his life again.

Without sounding horrible-and you don´t have to answer, or course-how did he end up back with his parents after his first wife died?

She's never respected DH. She likes to be in control of everything (why DH's brother couldn't cope) and kicks off if you don't do what she wants. That's why DH moved away when he was 18 and didn't come back til DSS was 3. Once he was back at home she'd undermine him or go against what he wanted for DSS.

He moved back as he wanted DSS to have a 'family'. He could have afforded to live in his old house or one nearer here but wouldn't have been able to spend time with DSS which obviously was more important. DH was probably shocked when he came home (his wife died of breast cancer so he was well prepared but I don't think that makes a difference) and his Mum saw her moment. But as I say, his first wife used to hate her because of her interfering. DH has only started working again in the last month having spent last year training.

Then I think "ground rules" are needed.

She visits when it´s convenient to you, and stays for as long as it´s convenient.

Does it bother your hubby that she doesn´t respect himor doesn´t he really care any more?

It also shows why the talks do no good-she´s not really taking any notice!

Oh she's never taken notice, but if you corner her enough she'll pretend to for at least a week.

If they babysit (on the rare occasions that's happened) we'll get back at 9pm and they'll leave at 11pm having talked at us for 2 hours. This includes DH going off to make packed lunches and me just nodding to whatever is said. They're just so inconsiderate it drives me mad. We haven't had them at our house apart from birthdays since last year and it makes me feel bad but it's such an unpleasant experience, we'd rather not do it! We often pop into my parents house as it's closer and makes us all feel calm. If DSS has seen too much of my IL's he asks if he can see my parents.

It does bother DH that she doesn't respect him but he's also grown used to it so doesn't expect it. I went through a stage of doing everything perfectly so I couldn't be told how to do it better and TBH, it didn't work and just pushed MIL closer to a nervous breakdown.

Just spoke to DH who was rather annoyed about the paint and sounded fed up and like he wanted to give up. Just don't want to spend tomorrow with them and don't think I can stay calm enough! Plus, all the fecking sanding is going to ruin all their new paintwork.

I guess very limited contact if you can dothat.

If no one is getting anything out of the visits..

I know. Problem is she picks DSS up from school. Both DH and I work full time and his school doesn't do after school clubs. Looked into child minders (probably wouldn't be able to afford it though) and there aren't any as he's in a village school where all the mums are SAHM's.

When it's going well, the visits are good for DSS but unfortunately, those times are few and far between at the moment. DH has about 3 chats with his parents a year where he doesn't come back stressed.

We're planning on TTC soon and I'm already worried what she'll be like. Might be blaming my anger on my hormones tomorrow but really don't want DSS seeing me angry or that we're not all getting on or he'll worry.

Thought just crossed my mind. Do you think there was a chance she has got a key cut when the key went missing for a while.

I hope not. I did wonder if she'd get one cut whilst FIL has it (just in case) but if that's happened she won't be able to argue having over stepped the line as that's beyond helpful.

I may have to kill her and put her under the patio. It's currently up for drainage being put in and FIL's boss would lay it neatly over her (he's been known to comment that MIL talks too much, too loudly and likes spending money too much-FIL is very happy when being rude at work and very quiet at home).

Can you tell I'm at the last straw stage? Hopefully my rational thought will arrive back before tomorrow.

You´re on a very "sticky wicket" whilst you are still relying on her for some form of childcare IMO.

It perhaps means to her that her son still can´t manage without her.

I assume your mum couldn´t do the friday thing, or a friend, or you & hubby take it in turns somehow?

Sorry i havent read the whole thread but i remember you posting about this situation a week or so ago,can i just ask out of curiousity,Does your dss still see his other set of gps?

She picks him up every day after school?

And has him for how long?

I think the whole patio thing has been done - it would be the first place they would look - you need to be more inventive

Seriously, it sounds as though you and your DH (who sounds lovely) are doing everything you can. Chant 'it's a phase' at frequent intervals and do your very very best to make sure that moving into the new house is a fresh start.

The school pick-up thing is the major stumbling block. No chance of flexible working, reciprocal arrangements with other parents, etc, I take it? They can't all be SAHMs, surely?

I also think the problem is that she is still being relied on.
If that could be dropped she could be treated more as a Grandmother, IMO.

Sorry-busy weekend painting!

diddl-I agree that as long as she's needed to pick up DSS she'll think she's needed in other ways. We hoped that if she had 'her thing' she'd not interfere in others but it hasn't worked. Unfortunately we can't pick DSS up from school as we both work and so do my parents. She has him from 3.30ish until usually between 4.30-5.30. Basically it depends on which lessons DH is teaching as some of his finish at 4.30 and 5.30.

The Friday thing was for continuity but we will put an end to that once we move (end of October). It's awful but one of the reasons we want to start TTC is so I can pick DSS up from school....

DoingthebestIcan - Yes DSS sees his 'other family' as well. His grandad died a few months ago but he still spends a few days there every holiday and a week in the summer. His grandmother also comes down and stays sometimes. She thinks that MIL is slightly nuts (and knows how her daughter was annoyed by her) but is also quite good at gossiping with MIL so we're careful with telling either of them too much!

Stealthsquiggle - the ones who aren't SAHM's have family who take their children after school, like us. We arranged ages ago to have two of his friends Mum's alternate on Mondays but unfortunately they then cancelled their children going to DSS's party with 10 mins to go so DH didn't want them looking after DSS if they didn't worry about his feelings. TBH, I agree but it's frustrating!

My DH is a wonderful man and I feel bad for him that it's always his family that cause problems! When we got to the house on Friday night, they'd painted over lumps of plaster that should have been scraped off first. DH told MIL on Saturday morning that we needed to do preparation first (without mentioning the painting) but MIL saw the chicken pox effect where we'd removed the lumps and I heard her telling FIL she might go home... She didn't though and pulled herself together after about 4 hours.

It sounds awful but we snuck back on Sunday and helped DSS start painting his room. He's very proud so it was definitely worth it!!

Randomtask.

Its a horrible, horrible situation, and you MIL is clearly a very self absorbed woman, I think, as you have said, the kicker is that she just can't think of your DSS before herself.

I just wanted to congratulate you on trying to work your way through this minefield and so clearly trying to still think of MIL, while having the best interests of your DSS at heart.

I can only say, in the end you have to do what is right for your DSS and MIL will have to lump it, if she can't think of him first, at least you and your DH can.

(oh and at least DH gets that his mother is a loon!)

Hi BumptiousandBustly, thanks for your message and I love your name!

You're right that it is a bit of a minefield and I fully admit I'm not always good at being calm or rational. The difficulty is in knowing that DSS must come first and thus being very careful about what you say and do in front of him.

He's off sick today (and so am I!) and after the first hour he told me that Nanny would say it was a shame he didn't go to school as he wouldn't get his 100% attendence certificate. I just told him the school wouldn't like him going in making everyone else ill, plus he can't walk in a straight line!

Yes DH is great-it's a tad sad he feels like she's not his Mum anymore and is far happier going to my parents than his.

randomtask it's all very

I know. I guess the best thing is that what seems to have caused most of MIL's upset/hurt over the last year is how well DSS is doing. After a parents evening where his teachers said he was much more confident, on the ball, lively, learning better etc, DH had to leave work early as MIL called him in tears the next day and wouldn't calm down. We're just not willing for DSS to suffer and thankfully, so far apart from moments of 'why is Nanny going on about ....' or 'Nanny was whinging about X', DSS is happy and hasn't noticed the atmosphere. Who said you can't fool kids!