Serious Question: How Do You Maintain Independance In Your Relationships?

[ScrewballMuppet]

Watching a program last night and it got me thinking as to how do me and dh maintain independance in our relationship. My answer to myself was We Don't.

When we go together we were both very independant in some way or other and that was part of who we both were. Over the years especially having kids has changed that. We do have problems in our marriage but we are determined to make it work, although at times theres nothing I would like bettr to scoop up the kids and walk straight into my own house away from him.

The program has got me thinking - if we used to be independant and we both liked it that way maybe that could be part of the problem weve become too dependant on each other if that makes sense. I believe being dependant is good in some respects and up to a certain point but theres got to be a fine line.

I would love to know how each of you maintain independance in your relationships?

It's a newish house so its not very big in size of rooms compared to older houses and when the four of us are all in I feel very claustrophobic.

I would love a bit of somewhere that was mine all mine other than the wardrobe everything else in the house is shared either with dh or with the kids.
Mybe its not the independance thing then thats part of the problem as were very similar to most of you.
I don't know then, I just get the impression from him that he resents us

at first I thought it was because of his old job and spoke to him about it. He's assured me many a time that he's fine with that as he hated the traveling and the stress that went with it and he does seem to love his new job.
It's as if he doesn't want any commitments or responsibility which really pees off as I would love to have the same and go do what I want without having to think about childcare and bills.
But never mind.

batters think you've got a point but theres surely got to be something you have for yourself that the other doesn't have to be apart.

Do you have your own computer (ie. laptop) so is this your space??? I don't have anywhere in the house thats mine but my laptop has its own section so this is mine and I chat everynight sitting on sofa in front of tele half the time with dh but in my own world - I consider this my private space cos its my space and chatting on my own on sites he wouldn't dream of coming on!!!!

Intresting questions.
I used to work long hours as a teacher, went out with collegues and single friends and lived in London (transport easier as i dont drive).
Now i am SAHM (ds 2months old), financially dependent on DP as ALL my money pays our bills (i earn more). Although DP never questions what i spend money on when i ask for some.and also rely on dp for transport as we have moved to Kent. Also, as DP doesnt know anyone here yet and is waiting for a job transfer, we knock about together.

I feel that I have made some key mistakes in maintaining my independence and i think we both feel the strain. I think it will improve when i go back to work part-time (near my home now)and when DP gets a job transfer as then he will also know people in the area.

Also, although i knew it would happen, is quite a shock not being able to pop to the pub together of an evening - because of ds. Even when i'm offered by friends and dp encourages me to go, i'm too knackered!!

Screwball Muppet, its lurking in the small business ad's on here, and on the webguide, and that's all I'm saying!

re the other questions...

Do you share all money that come into the house or just put in for the bills and keep it to yourselves?

We share most of it, becuase we're a family! but we do each have an individual savings account as well.

Do any of you have your own space in the house or do you have to just take what you can get?

I have my computer and he has his! mainly shared space, as two kids as well!

Spending do you question each other about what you've both bought or do you let it lie?

We don't question, as usually it ends up that one of us has brought a nice surprise for the other as well anyway, cause we're daft like that

Do you think that you have a right to know who thy are talking to on the phone or do you just let it be?

No, but he usually tells me anyway.

The same with everything do you expect that now your together you have a right to know most things about what they do who they talk to etcc and they you?

No, not really although I guess I trust him to tell me anyway, if its important (if you get my drift) but I do appreciate he has his own life, and I can't know everyone in it, and him to me likewise.

I think it's hard to maintain total independence once you have kids - but would you want to? Although I must admit that at first I found it hard to be so financially dependent on another person - even if that person was the man I'd been married to for 10 years! In the last few years that financial dependence has lessened, mainly because with various business changes (and cock-ups tbh) his income is as erratic as mine - we're now both self-employed. Now I am finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I can't rely on his income, which is a complete about face from my previous feelings. But I would hate not to earn any money at all, even if financially I didn't need to.

As for who pays for what, we have had a complete joint account for everything for about the last 10 years when our incomes became wildly different and the 50/50 arrangement was no longer equitable. When we first got together I would have sworn I would never do that but we did and it worked. You have to have no hang ups with spending money on yourself from a joint account, though, or resentment would build up.

From a non-financial POV, I think that it's vital to have some 'space' for yourself whether it's actual space in the house (not easy in most homes) or space in your head - independent hobbies, nights out with the girls, going to yoga or whatever.

Emotionally and practically , I am quite dependent on DH as we are a couple and a family unit, even tough be are both separate people. However, practically, I think he is more dependent on me. I sort out all the bill payment, juggling money between accounts, childcare arrangements, shopping, washing, ironing, organising holdiays, buying his family birthday cards etc. I really don't like it, but it's not worth fighting over. he reckons I enjoy being in control, but I reckon I have no choice because he wouldn't have a clue where to start (when he would but it would be painful to watch.) Somtimes I think I would like someone to 'look after me' and be 'the little woman' but I doubt if I would in reality. Would like it to be a bit more 50/50 though.

screwballmuppet - you asked me if we are happy with things or if it creates problems- to answer, we are VERY happy with our homelife and how we intereact with each other. but we are so tuned in that we finish each others sentences, or we can be in a crowded room and look at each other and convey a message, like at a party i could look at dh and he would know, for example that i am asking him if he should switch to cola!! or when its time to leave, i could look and he can tell i am asking him if we could give soandso a lift home. its like theres some sort of telepathic link between us. but i think that develops between all couples who have been together some time. - you just know each other inside out and upside down!

omg doesnt that sound sad! we'll be getting matching jumpers and tea-cosy hats next!!!

we are happy with it - please dont laugh at us!!!!! -not that you have, but this post leaves me well open to micky taking!!!

I know what you mean mtw, we do the same things regarding a look across the room or some form of body language to each other. I wouldn't dream of mickey takingalthough Thats got to be a natural part of being together being together so long that you no each other inside and out. I do feel its a bit from my relationship point of view that its nice having that knowledge but a bit boring at the same time if you know what I mean.
It's comforting to know that it wasn't just me that lost some independance after having kids and as some of you have said that is not a completely bad thing in one respect.

How is it possible then, to keep things fresh in your relationship despite knowing each other inside and out?

I think you can be TOO independent of one another and live parallel lives quite easily, I would say that's equally - maybe more -undesirable

and I suspect it may be easier to cultivate independence than intimacy

Interesting thread... I think my independence is only maintained by the knowledge that I could do it all on my own but I choose to share my life with DH

He earns the $$$ as I am on maternity leave but will become a SAHM
His salary goes direct to his personal account - I must change this .
We don't question each others spending but big purchases are usually mentioned/discussed before hand eg "can we afford XYZ this month?"

we've both got different interests which makes us independent. Also we go away for weekends on our own with our friends. I would go mad without my girly weekends away.

"absence makes the heart grow fonder".....very true and works for us

compo that souinds great girly wkends. Does dh or dp have the kids while your away then?

live in different countires

screwball - how do we keep it fresh? i dont know! we dont do anyinthg thinking 'this will keep our relationship fresh'. i dont know how to answer that! we're just happy. theres always something to talk about, have a laugh about and i dont know about dh, but he still surprises me from time to time! and i find out things i didnt know about him still! i know im not being clear, but what i mean is we're not trying anything, iyswim, we just happy, have a laugh, debate issues, chat about the kids, discuss future, past, shared dreams (eg the lottery!!!!) chase each other round the garden with water pistols etc etc etc, maybe its cos we are both mad as hatters! perhaps thats the secret!!!!!!

mytwopenceworth, sounds great, I get what you mean.

I'm sad to say me and dh don't have that, we have a lark about and there are surprises but he's not a talker or a listener. We've been together 11 years and he's always been the same, just the way he is. I would love to have a partner I could share things with, talk to, tell each other dreams and that. Not sure if the fact that I can't with dh is a dealbreaker or not and if we were to break up there are no guarantees I would meet someone like that.

That sounds depressing doesn't it it isn't too bad I've compensated and have lovely friends who I can talk to and be listened to

In an earlier post you had put
'does that make us weirdly dependent or one 2 headed person or just boringly married!!!!!'
it certainly doesn't