I need someone to tell me straight what I have to do to get through today

[droplet]

DH and I had an enormous argument late last night. Its been a very tense few years and its almost the same argument that always happens, it just varies in its severity.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it got nasty, a plate was smashed (me), all the buttons of a shirt were torn (me), there was a bit of shoving on both parts, and things were said that can't ever be unsaid. Vicious things that cut deep.

Today, I need to be busy, I have a variety of people I need to see and I need to be able to get through the day.

My mind is racing though, I can't focus on anything (I can't ever normally!) and trying to hold on to my tears, when I need to cry until I can't anymore, makes me feel like my chest might burst.

How can I get through the day?
How can I focus and get this to the back of my mind until the day is over and my children sleeping?
I need to timetable my upset really. What a strange place to find yourself. I've regularly done it before, only today it seems unattainable.

I am like a cat on a hot tin roof, but I need to be a swan until I can fall apart in private.

I was going to prepare dinner, but I don't want to include him.
I was going to shove on a wash, but I don't want to wash his stuff.
Its his birthday soon and I really need to get a photo enlarged and framed, but I don't want to anymore nor do I even want to think about buying him stuff.

It seems everything I think of doing today only throws up my childish feelings of wanting to cut him off. I couldn't even speak to him this morning and he roared off in his car dramatically.

Sorry. This is a mess. Just like my head.

why not do things by degrees? you need to get some independence back and sound like the perfect candidate for running your own business e.g. party planner or something. perhaps worth thinking about? sounds like you have a lot going for you. chin up

Keep smiling and taking a step one at a time.

IMO you both need to "respect" each others roles.

Crap. I can't hold on. I have to cry. Then I have to apply myself. Thanks for being there x.

OK, you need to plot a strategy: to be quite frank it;s no wonder you are upset with this man. He's treating you like a servant and repeatedly telling you that your feelings and wishes are unimportant.
Whatever this issue is between partners, it's no good one person saying, 'Well I like the way things are, you an just suck it up.' When yo uare calmer, you ned to work out a list of things that he can do so he is pulling his weight domestically (earning the household income DOESN'T make him the boss/owner of everyone else in the house. Domestic work is shared responsibility, end of.) Point out to him that men who do their fair share of the housework have much better sex lives.

I totally understand the resentment and also that you have 'allowed' this to happen.

You say you cannot leave him with the children - why not? If the worst were to happen and you were to seperate he would have to step up to the mark after all - how would you feel then if he wanted to have the kids say every other weekend?

My h used to say he felt so helpless when i told him how awful my sahm 'job was, and it lead to resentment - he would go off to work thinking i didnt appriciate what he was doing and i was 'stuck at home feeling the same.

Try and see the bigger picture and instead of looking for the faults in each others lives list the things he is good at and praise him for those things. Try to ignore the faults - for example my h is rubbish at DIY but is happy for me to get someone in to do it and never worries about the cost - but i have other friends whos h would not 'allow' this. My h is crap at washing but good at the dishwasher - try to complement each other in what 'chores' you are doing and not try to point score.

Hopefully you can come to some sort comprimise over things - dont forget men cant mind read and unless you actually tell him how he can help he may be blissfully unaware.

You say you have no time - but do you think that maybe you have set your standards high - and are making work for yourself? I mean you may be doing things that are not completly necessary - we all worry that if we are not busy all the time then we are not doing a valid job (and it seems as if you are prehaps thinking this yourself) - please dont take offence at that because i think i have been just like that.

Anyway good luck and hopefully you will get through the day and feel calmer.

sorry also meant to say that you should try and encourage him to do some of the childcare - and hopefully he will slowly re-connect with them and you may get some time to yourself then.

Thank you everyone, each and every post is helpful and useful. Grateful for you all x.

He does pull his weight, but on his own terms. We both set our standards too high but when I try to buck against it and change myself, he doesn't see the point and only thumps around being busy. For example at a weekend if I take the children to their various activities and force myself to sit down with them at say 4pm, he would head up to his office and do paperwork instead of maybe sitting down with us. Relaxation time is scheduled for him. He relaxes by washing his car. We never, ever veg out for a day. We might for a couple of hours on a Saturday night but its almost like he times himself. He can't see he's on a treadmill. I can see I was and I fight against that daily.

Anyway, I am changing. I don't want to live this way any more and if this morning made anything clear to me its that we need a break from each other . We've just moved into our new house and our youngest is very unsettled in school atm and so it makes no sense for me to uproot them and leave. I think I want to ask him tonight about him leaving for a while. Its not my favourite thing to do but its all I can think of. Being near each other is like nails down a blackboard.

I said to a friend earlier.....this is where he goes off and sleeps with other people right?

and if he did go off and sleep with someone else???? Would that make YOU want to change or would you be secretly relieved that at least the marriage could end on your terms with not having to accept your part?

All that rushing around does not sound as if you have much 'fun' together

My h did have an affair - which prompted ME to change - and in our recovery we have both changed - we now have a far more equal partnership and mostly it works.

Sorry to hear. I was having an arguement last night with my hubby to. pushed me over a few times got a sore back now, i hit him back and he just pushed me over again so I picked u a didnig chair and whacked him with it. So wrong but i've always said to him ant bloke lays a finger on me and i lose it big time. He told me last night he don't love me no more since the last arguement over a month or so ago, but he did give me a kiss good bye this morning, but he said he doen't know what to do anymore, told him want to know by tonight. It just feels like everythings my fault and I'm the one with the problem. Its hard cause I love him so much but feel like an idiot for it as he said he doesn't love me. Im so sad can't seem to be botherd anymore wahts the point!

Being very honest, I'd be relieved I didn't have to try any more and that it could end for an 'easy' reason. How crap is that?

The way I see it, is that its getting too hard to want to try any more. For ten years he worked away from home, now he travels a few days a week and on the other days he is away by 7am, home 8pm ish. I think deep down he resents us for holding him back. He's gone far into his career but that he could have done even more had we not needed him. In the end, we didn't get quality him, just resentful him.

We are very alike. We both learned a bad habit of working, working, working. The difference is that I see the damage that causes and try to change it. He doesn't.

I have my faults. Plenty. But I am aware of them and I do try. Its catch 22.

This is just a big moan fest on my part now. That wasn't my plan. I'll step away. Thank you everyone x.

droplet whereabouts in the country are you? I know a brilliant woman in Exeter who does couples counselling. She is expensive but worth every penny. Would your h consider such a thing?

I think you sound exhausted tbh. And your h sounds as though as no idea how to help you and is just busying himself to escape your resentment - which of course makes you more angry and misunderstood and isolated.

He chose to have a family - you didn't organise that all on your own too, let's face it! If he has gone far in his career that is down in no small part to YOU!

People change over the years. You have changed but he is resisting change? Does money mean too much to him?

The pushing and shoving is not good for either of you. I agree that perhaps you should take a break for a couple of days - stay with a friend, go mad shopping and lunching while he looks after the children. Not to point score really, just to give you a break. You can take a break you know.
Hope the meetings are going ok.

amazonian, that would have been helpful, its crossed my mind to have some counselling (I think I could persuade him although he would tell me he couldn't get time off) and I would prefer a recommendation. But we are at he opposite end of the country to Exeter.

Built myself up to the meetings, got changed and fresh faced. Then got a phone call cancelling 45 mins before the meet. Not my day!

Highly recommend the counselling, both individual and couple. Me and my DH were like an errupting volcano, lots of bad behaviour on both sides, stressful business, financial problems, 4 DC (2 with ASD) - it was a nightmare and he ended up having an affair. We have turned it around in four months, still a work in progress but we can genuinely say we are both much happier and so are the kids. Things are worth fighting for sometimes but you both have to acknowledge your faults and make changes.

Good luck.

Nah the cancellation is a Good Thing. You can sit down and have a good old blub now

Go onto google and look up couples counselling. There are people all over the country. Sounds like you can afford it at least which is good!

Even if you go on your own.

Career men can be a bloody nightmare. They often have to save all their energy and utiliate their 'best side' in the workplace and with colleagues etc, leaving the grumpy, drained, run-ragged bloke you see at the end of the day.

Do you have a nice garden? Put in a small water feature - the sound of trickling water is very therapeutic (when listened to with a glass of wine and packet of cheese and onion crisps)

I think the two of you should organise a night out together at a Greek restaurant where they let you smash plates. And really go mad with those plates (but not throwing them at each other obviously }

what a fantastic idea to go out to a greek resturaunt - think i will look up my local one now.

Something i did was to make changes to myself - with the use of a book called 'the rules of life'
It was not to improve my marriage but to improve me - and i found it really useful - it is a bit like a game if you follow the rules.
I then found i could look myself in the mirror and know that i had done all I could to make the marriage work - and my h really did see a difference - instead of the game playing between us it is focused on you.

Good luck