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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Texting his ex wife while lying in bed with me - would you be annoyed?

43 replies

Martha1 · 16/09/2009 17:07

His ex texted him some abusive text about how its his fault that her friends no longer speak to her or something - he responded calmly explaining that it wasn't the case. I understand him sticking up for himself but when she texts at 1am - replying means she thinks its ok to disturb us at that time!!

THEN this is what annoyed me - she texted him, "ok sleep well dude" and instead of seeing that as the end of the convo and putting his phone down he replied telling her to sleep well. She's treated him like crap, left him heavily in debt cos he gave her the cash to pay the bills and she pocketed it ... and there he is wishing her a restful night's sleep at 1am while in bed with me??? I told him it upset me and he just said that if he didn't reply she'd kick off and give him hell! Do u think this is the only reason he replied? Is he likely to still have feelings for her? I've never known anybody text their EX nite nite or the equivalent!!!

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 17/09/2009 11:59

I have a good relationship with my exhusband and we text each other. One of the reasons the relationship is good though is that communication is always about the kids, neither of us uses the other for emotional support.
We both accept that the marriage is over but we need a good relationship for our kids. If we had a friendly, phone each other if we're upset type relationship though I would wonder why we got divorced as if we need each other emotionally it would obviously be better for our kids if we were together.
Being civil to your ex is one thing, texting them every few hours about your own issues and using them as an emotional crutch is another.

Original poster

Martha1 · 17/09/2009 12:02

They divorced because they'd grown apart - she got pregnant nearly 3 yrs ago to try and save the marriage but it just caused resentment because my partner didn't want any more children and they'd discussed him having a vasectomy. It never really recovered and just after xmas this year she started looking for a new place and when she found one she moved out with the kids without giving him the chance to explain to the children what was going on. He arrived home to find her moving out.

Rebecca I was scared that somebody would say that - maybe he isn't ready for a new relationship but I really don't wanna give up on him and move out I'm really confused about what's best to do.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 17/09/2009 12:08

You don't have to end the relationship, but it does sound as though you started living together very early. I wouldn't be happy living with a guy who was behaving like that. I might go out with him (but would insist on no texts to his wife unless child related whilst he was with me) but for me living with a man is a major step and like getting married. If you can afford to live on your own that's what I'd do.

Twinsmommy · 17/09/2009 12:15

TBH - if contact needs to be made in the middle of the night, it is in an EMERGENCY only, and a text-message is not, IMO, a means of getting hold of someone in an EMERGENCY.

Therefore, they need to agree between them that mobiles are switched off at an agreed hour in the evening and switched on again at an agreed hour every morning.

That way, if she doesn't really know it already, she might begin to realise that her waking the whole household for something trivial at 1am is totally unacceptable behaviour.

Unless, of course, she is totally unaware of your presence and thinks he is sleeping alone - in which case it would be a totally different kettle of fish.

Perhaps she doesn't know about you? Perhaps she doesn't realise you have moved in with him? Perhaps she's just not aware of the situation between the two of you. I don't see anywhere where it says he has explained to her that he is with someone else.

And of course she will still be relying on him emotionally, they do have very, very young children together - but it could be purely all innocent on her part if she is none-the-wiser of the situation between the two of you.

Original poster

Martha1 · 17/09/2009 12:16

I can't afford to live on my own and things would also be complicated because his eldest son now lives with us and there would be a lot of questions to answer if I moved out which tbh it would break my heart to do that.

I've tried talking to him about the texts and he agrees with me but doesn't follow it up in his actions. I guess I'm hoping the problem will just fix itself

OP posts:

Original poster

Martha1 · 17/09/2009 12:18

She does know about me - we told her very early on

OP posts:

Twinsmommy · 17/09/2009 12:30

Then I totally feel they should negotiate a time to switch off mobiles at night.

It is totally not fair on you and if my partner had text his ex to "sleep well" we'd have been up all night at loggerheads about it.

You are not being unreasonable. But I do believe, as 2rebecca mentioned, that you stepped into this situation very early on in his newly single life. He has small children to consider, and, by the sound of things, a somewhat unstable ex - so I can understand him wanting to keep her sweet - his emotions must be all over the place.

diddl · 17/09/2009 14:36

YANBU.

I cannot think why anyone would think it reasonable to text anyone at 1am, unless shift work made it necessary.
Or emergency-in which case I would think phoning would be better.

It´s great if they can get on for the children, but I think he should turn off hs mobile at a certain time or tell her that he won´t answer after for example 10pm

diddl · 17/09/2009 14:37

Oops, sorry, forgot I was in "Relationships"!

Yes, I would be annoyed under the circs.

whoisasking · 17/09/2009 14:56

Martha.

I'm sorry, but it seems to me that you partner and ex wife have some unresolved issues. And TBH, who can blame them? It's not even been a year since they split. That's a very very short time for him to be living with someone else (IMO)

I feel for you, I really do, but I also wonder at the speed at which your relationship appears to have developed. It all seems very whirlwind to me.

OrangeFish · 17/09/2009 15:05

Turn the phone on. And take his comments with a pinch of salt.

This sounds remarkably familiar with exH who once came and tell me I needed to get emotional support from someone else (WTF?), and many other beauties I would rather not write down. I never understood where that had came from until months and months later, when I became a good friend of his by then ex girlfriend who told me how irritating she found it for her ex(my ex) to be sorting up in my life in the middle of the night, for me to interrupt when they were talking, etc.. Well, well... he was not talking to me but to someone else, even if later he got to believe his own lie.

So my advice to you is the same I would have given to my friend. He is the problem, not the ex, he shouldn't be picking up calls or answering messages at inappropiate times. End of.

OrangeFish · 17/09/2009 15:57

no, i meant, turn it off

OrangeFish · 17/09/2009 16:01

BTW I disagree about the unresolved issues being a problem.

If he and his ex have children together, there will always be unresolved issues. It is how these issues are managed what determine whether you should stay in or leave this relationship, not that they are still being angry/abusive to each other, as unfortunately, many ex's stay angry/abusive to each other until the day they die...

AnyFucker · 17/09/2009 17:58

martha, where did you live before you moved in with him?

this is one of those relationships that has progressed far too quickly

why do people rush things like this ?? I know it sounds middle-aged and boring but for goodness sake, get to know somebody properly first, otherwise stuff like this gets revealed bit by bit. Then unfortunately, you are in too deep and rather powerless to sort it out.

I expect you are "soul-mates" though...

< sigh >

Original poster

Martha1 · 18/09/2009 11:55

Wow AnyFucker I was asking for advice on a specific problem, not a judgement on my choices and my relationship and a rather nasty comment about bein 'soulmates'!!! :O

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 18/09/2009 13:17

Martha YANBU but I think you need to accept it will take some time for your DP to put distance between him and his ex given its been a relatively short time since the split.

Nudge him away from these inappropriate communications with his ex rather than going ballistic because he will feel he's getting grief from both you and her.

Show him this essay on emotional adultery and point out he needs to put emotional distance from his ex and keep things business like where the children are involved.

Be mindful they were together for some time and she will know how to manipulate him and also that he may be fearful to upset her becuase she could become awkward about his relationship with the children.

It took my DP sometime to emotionally disentangle from his ex, still today she has the power to push his buttons and they separated nearly 6 years ago.

Basically you have a balancing act on your hands push him to far and he may become resentful. Nudge him not enough he could think its ok to be emotionally manipulated by the ex and carry you along with it.

good luck, it probably will not be easy, I feel for you

Original poster

Martha1 · 18/09/2009 13:51

Thanks ElenorRigby that helps a lot - especially the point about him getting grief off me and her as he has mentioned this before. I'll try and be more understanding about the situation he's in but also make it clear I expect certain boundaries

I was speaking to him earlier and he actually admitted that it was wrong of him to text her back that night but that sometimes 1 text means she leaves him alone whereas ignoring it may have meant a volley of abuse.

As mentioned above its still early days since the separation so I'll cut him some slack for a while and see if things improve with time.

OP posts:

OrangeFish · 18/09/2009 20:42

After reading that article Eleanor, I think I am guilty of female emotional adultery as until recently I was the one with my life planed around (and ruined by) the demands and needs of my ex.

Funny as it is, my ex is now accusing me of being emotionally dependant to him, which I think I never was. Although I made the mistake of treating him as a friend (it was not a mistake at the time but now I can see it was).

Wonder if this is just part and parcel of getting divorced and it is experienced by BOTH parts rather than by one victimising the other, after all, there are many patterns of behaviour that are very difficult to break (on both sides).

Guess I'm dissgressing but that left me wondering.

Now, I don't think that you can put a time on when is early or not to get in a relationship after someone has divorced/separated. THere are many marriages that had not been so for years before the separation took place. In the smae way that there are persons whose wounds are still very raw after years and years of being divorced.

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