Feelings about MIL hanging over me like a black cloud. How do I snap out of it?

[LovelyBertha]

Another MIL thread, I know. I just need help putting a very nasty ihcident into perspective and moving on.

DD was born 3 mths ago, and we had to stay in hospital for 3 days. We are discharged on monday night. This is the longest ds and I have been separated, so I'm really looking forward to some quiet quality time with dh, ds and new dd. Tues am pil turn up (they have been invited to meet new gd). They announce they've decided to 'make a holiday of it' and are staying until thursday night.

I explain, as politely and calmly as I can, that this is not what we had planned and we really need some quiet time. MIL's reaction is to get really angry/upset. Apparently I am selfish, inconsiderate, ungrateful and rude. They leave. Anyway, at this point I burst into tears, and can't stop crying for about a week.

I really feel like this ruined what should have been a beautiful first week with a new member of the family, and delayed my bonding with dd. No doubt, baby blues were partly to blame for my reaction, but I'm in tears now just typing this.

I've got to see PIL at the w.end, and the prospect of it has got me all negative and weepy again.

Any thoughts on how I can put this behind me? Not just for my sanity but for the sake of dh and dc's relationship with PIL.

Why doesn't a grandmother have a right to a relationship with her grandchildren? I think that's really sad.

Imagine how you will feel when your dc have children.

following on from what Diddl mentioned - I think that a lot of MILs forget that when they had babies they were likely to be in hospital or maternity homes for at least a week if not a couple of weeks.

So, if the PIL did come to visit in the first few days, well they knew they were visiting hospital and that there were limited visiting hours. By the time they came to have visits at home the baby would be a couple of weeks or more old, the husband may well have been back at work, post baby blues would have passed, feeding, sleeping,bathing (and just generally feeling confident and bonding with first baby) etc would be beginning to settle down into whatever (non)routine they wanted, etc etc etc.

These days there is the expectation of still coming a couple days after coming home from hospital as that is when they remember having visitors but completely forgetting that they are turning up at such a bad time for the mum in the midst of recovering and getting sorted with their baby.

hope you manage to work something out so you don't feel quite so stressed by your MIL.

Anticipating in advance what she says can be useful - especially if she has a few set things she says to you each time. So first time she gets first dig in (e.g. can't believe that you can cope with/out a strict routine) then you can reply with 'yes, and I can do x,y and z and baby is thriving on it' where x, y and z are her other usual digs if you see what I mean.

good luck...

I really sympathise - I feel like I am being stalked by my MIL at the moment, and we have been summoned for dinner on Sunday. I would rather stick forks in my arms.

I'm hopeless at giving advice, and pretty bad at taking it too, but I can tell you what I know my Mum would tell me (and she knows her stuff).

Remain calm, and serene, strive for ethereal - don't let her know she is bothering you.

If she makes a snide comment, pretend you didn't hear properly, smile and innocently say 'sorry, what did you say?' It is really difficult for someone to repeat a nasty comment, especially if you have drawn attention to it to others who may be in the company. By doing this, you will get the satisfaction of either making the person change what they said, or repeat the same thing. Either makes them seem stupid and small-minded.

Try to have an arsenal of 'change the subject' questions you can ask MIL / FIL. If comments are made to try to annoy you, don't respond - completely ignoring it and instantly coming back with 'How have you been getting on with the garden? How's the bridge playing / golf going? etc, will give you the upper hand. Once you have done it 3 or 4 times in a row, they will get the message.

Well done for putting your foot down when they announced they were staying. How much worse would it have been if they had stayed. They clearly know they were in the wrong, and that is why they are being so sniffy about it.

I remember seeing a thread where a poster had a mantra of 'one-way ticket to Zurich' which she said in her head again and again.

Try to put it out of your head and enjoy your lovely family.

(Note to self: take your Mum's advice sometime)

I had a slightly similar experience to you. MIL stayed at local hotel and turned up at 8.10 in the morning of my first day at home with DS because she apparently couldn't afford the breakfast at her hotel!? She'd seen DS the evening before and had spent most of it cuddling him whilst I was in and out of the loo crying because of stitches and wanting her to bloody go home. Actually it was one disaster after another with DH's family, like your DH he's not very assertive so couldn't just tell his family how things were going to be and so I ended up getting very upset about lots of different things. I know they just think I'm over sensitive etc etc but I had just had a baby! And 18 months things are still tricky cos I still feel like black clouds hover over me for every visit with FIL and SIL.
Good news is though that with MIL things got sorted out. I lost my temper with her and really told her how it was. And then DH (finally) waded in to stand up for us. I wrote her a letter of appology but again explained how I felt about what had happened (- DS was unplanned so DH and I hardly knew each other and I didn't know his family at all so we really needed their support and I needed them to make an effort to get to know me as well as their DS IYSWIM!) After a few embarrassing visits me and MIL actually get on fine and I think we are really beginning to kind of like each other - God who'd have thought it! )
So my advice is do sort this out. Make DH talk to them firmly but kindly - you are the injured party not them! Look after yourself and only do visits that you have the energy for and feel comfortable with!! Take care and good luck!!

I feel that by saying that grandparent have a right to see their grandchildren is the same as condoning their rudeness, tactlessness, sometimes cruelness.

I don't feel they have a right to see their grandchildren. If they can behave like decent, respectful human beings, then they are more than welcome to see their grandchildren, however they have no rights. If they can't treat the mother in a respectful manner what is to say that they won't start treating the children in the same way, after all they got away with it with their mother. What if all the children are going to grow up looking and behaving like their mother? Are you still going to say that they have a right to see them even with all the snidey comments about their weight, height, way of talking/behaving or other?

The grandparents did not give birth. You have a right to be treated with respect.

Thank you everyone. I've got a grip! After 24 hours of brooding on this, I have come to the following conclusions:

1)I need to go to the doctor. Much as I hate to admit it, I think part of the problem might be a bit of pnd. Saying that, I'm not mad, and I haven't been unreasonable.

2)I don't give a monkeys what she thinks of me, but if she behaves disrespectfully towards me infront of the dc again, dh is going to have to put her straight.

3)I need to give her the opportunity on regain my respect- ie. participate in days with the ils without the grumpy/negative attitude.

4. I wont get an apology, because nothing will ever make her understand what she's done.

5. Even though she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, she does really love dh & our dcs. I must respect that.

6)In the unlikely event of dh and I splitting up, she is the dcs grandmother, so will feature in my life until death-do-us-part.I'm stuck with her, whatever happens. I have to put this behind me, or it's here for good.

Going to stop thinking about this, starting from.... now.

Good luck LovelyBertha .

If it were me there would be no 2nd chances. I would NEVER be in the same room as this woman again, let alone speak to her. This solution also saves worrying about how to behave around her.

Looking at OP again, if someone called me selfish, inconsiderate ungrateful & rude, & wouldn´t be bothered if my children had a relationship or not.

Admittedly, they didn´t want to stay long, but they should have asked first if it was OK, and certainly your MILs reaction was way over the top.

It wasn´t as if you told her to walk away without seeing baby.

I would say be polite when you see her, and that´s it.

I think some of you have to think really long and hard about what family means.

Grandparents do have a right to see their grandchildren. Of course it doesn't excuse rudeness, barging in, intruding etc - but they do, absolutely deserve to have a relationship with their grandchild.

Just put yourself in your MIL or your mother's position and think about how you will feel when your child has children.

Stop being so self-centred and think about others in your family. (This is not directed at the OP)

They were probably just really excited about seeing your newborn and all of you. They thought you all would be happy to see them too and to want to share that joy with them.
They probably arrived with that expectation and got crushed by your response. Perhaps if you had acknowledged their feelings first and gently let them down ... I think it just made them feel unwelcomed.
My last DS is only 2 years old and even now, I find that it possible to 'forget' how it is like the few days after birth, that the mother and family may just want some peace and quiet if that makes sense.

becauseimworthit, sorry disagree - NORMAL people deserve to see their grandchildren. If/when mine have children or their partners have children, I will be fully aware at all times of how the new mother is feeling..having been there myself.

This woman did not give a crap about that.
My ex-mil was lovely when she came to visit after I had mine. Did not stay long, and made me as new mum, feel important. I will always remember her coming over and giving me a little hug and pressie before even setting eyes on baby.

BecauseI´mWorthIt-I also disagree.
The in laws had been invited over, but not content, want it all their own way, IMO.

MIL´s reaction was horrible to say the least.

She has done the sort of thing that mine would-ruined it for everyone & made it all about her.

Jeez, if you can´t be respected when you´ve just given birth, it´s never going to happen, is it?

I did say, if you read my post, that my comments were not directed at the OP. I think her MIL was very selfish.

I wasn´t clear-I disagree that Grandparents have a right to a relationship with their Grandchildren.

those of you who say that grandparents do not have a right to see their grandchildren, how about the rights of the grandchildren

my Mum hated her MIL, a lot of it because of comments that had been made before I was even born. I have no doubt that MIL was at least partly in the wrong. But I resented having to deal with the subsequent bad emotions. She was my Mum's MIL, fair enough, a fairly remote and uninteresting person to her. But she was MY grandmother. And I had no wish to be dealing with the fallout of a situation that happened before I was even born.

All right so she wasn't a sweet little charmer but she was my grandmother and I had a right to that relationship, quite regardless of anyone else.

Still sets my teeth on edge when my Mum uses "that" voice when mentioning her MIL and she has been dead these 30 years. Partly because I still want the right to be fond of my grandmother, partly because I don't like seeing my Mum as childish and unforgiving: I may be 45 but I still want a BIG and wise Mum lol

From personal experience, no, my parents have no right to see my children. They treated me like a door mat, and then cut me off when I stood up for myself.
I saw how they started treated my children after the fall out, and believe me they have NO right to see my children. I too believed that my children had a right to see their grandparents. However, a grandparent that can ignore their grandchildren when they (children) light up in a smile upon seeing them (the grandparents), start telling them about their day only to be ignored because of the person they (children) are with have absolutely NO right to see their grandchildren. A grandparent that can take out the anger they have for the child's parents on the child, have NO right to see their grandchildren. I have so many reasons for them not having a right to see their grandchildren and it mostly boils down to them being manipulative, controlling, self centered human beings.
If you for one minute think I have taken this decision lightly BecauseImWorthIt, you are wrong, wrong, wrong!!