DH doesn't fancy me anymore

[thisisnotmyrealnamehonest]

Cutting a long story short, dh has said he doesn't fancy me anymore. It's mainly about the fact that in his opinion in every relationship the attraction wanes but our lustiness allegedly started from a low base and so he, it seems is left with not enough to want to have sex with me .

He also did mention that my body wasn't quite in as good a shape as it could be - we had a debate about this as I said he isn't perfect either in response to this but he says he's lost weight and other things aren't things he can change. He seems to have an issue with me "not making the most of myself".

Which is ridiculous to me as I'm no slummy mummy - I get my hair done regularly, I am slim ish (Ok so I have wobbly thighs but I'm a size 10 fgs), wear decentish clothes (ok jeans a lot but I'm a mum, I'm not going to wear floaty frigging dresses all day)
I'm obviously not up to his standards .
It shrieks of midlife crisis.

Help. What can I do??

He does seem to care in that he wishes it wasn't like this and is willing to go to counselling. He talked about some treatment like hypnotherapy but heck I don't want to have my husband only sleep with me because he's been hypnotised to fancy me again!!

so beyond counselling, what can we do? And how would others feel about this? I feel humiliated and angry sometimes, other times sad.

Has anyone had similar and sorted it out?

ooh yes new underwear... definitely! i wouldn't expect him to be enamoured over night. but enjoy it.

underwear can be a thing to go because no one sees it apart from you and your partner (and your kids if its drying round the house)

but v important for self-esteem and sex life! try all different types, styles, colours - doesn't have to be obviously sexy, just new and fresh, bra 'technology' is improving all the time!

get some magazines if you want inspiration for new outfits... ooh i wish i had your project! infact i might do it myself!

Do you go out together as a couple or with friends?

I find DH and I can often get lost in the daily drudge and at end of the day have little to say to each other and consequently dont feel to sexy/ look at the other with any lust.

However, being out together, even in a group, you get to see the sociable, fun person you met and married. Do find myself looking at DH in a more loving (wanting to shag) way when out and see him laughing or dressed up etc. Maybe same for your DH?

Think sometimes we only notice flaws when we have nothing to balance it out with. ie ooh DW boobs have sagged a bit since having borne my kids, BUT last week when they were strapped into the Wonderbra and when she was dancing with her mates they were bouncing around summat grand (obv. not assuming your DH is Northern, just sounds better!)

I too would suggest some time for just the two of you, do you get the chance to do this at all? Dinner out or a movie or just to the pub for a drink gives you a chance to relax and communicate in a different environment away from the daily 'grind'. This can be a way to re-introduce some romance back into your relationship without the pressure of it leading to sex.

My body is far from what it was when DH and I met, I have wobbly bits all over, my tits are shot to pieces and I have a set of stretch marks on my tummy which look like an AA road altas. But luckily DH still does fancy me after 10 years.

I think there is hope to rekindle things for you. Good luck with relate.

Has he become a little "born again" when it comes to food, exercise etc.

"How can people let themselves go like that....how can you put that shit food in your body".

If that's the case, not really much you can do... he needs to understand that a woman's body changes post pregnancy and that a certain amount of jiggle is unavoidable.

Also, I know we always use the disclaimer that men are visual - but that's not be all and end all. He should engage his mind a bit more - talking dirty, role play, anything that used to get his blood racing that has fallen by the wayside in recent years??

underwear alone might not fix it but its a good first step. and its an easy thing to do, there isn't anything stopping you doing it?

maybe you will do that, and then the next step of what to do may become obvious.

Yes definitely got born again about that stuff.
And yep he has said men are more visual a couple of times. Predictable eh?

If you don't want to snoop then at least ask questions and be on high alert - been there done that, hence the fact I'm flagging up the warning.

He went off sex, got into diet and exercise, started to criticise my appearance (despite the fact I am a size 8-10, boobs a little south and a few tiny thread veins but no stretchmarks, make sure I never have any grey / stray hairs, do my nails and wear matching underwear every day - no mean feat when you have 2 kids - not showing off, just proving there wasn't much amiss with me!). We were managing dinner out once a week, too. Problem was that his mind was elsewhere... and all the pretty pants and talking in the world wouldn't have fixed it.

With the visual comment, sadly I am guessing that if he is fantasising elsewhere, she is probably the 20 year old office temp and he is simply having a mid-life crisis.

what happened in the end Abedelia? Sorry to hear this and I hope you got through it.

choose things that you genuinely like for yourself, so that if he is having an affair you've still chosen things that you like, not just to please him.

It's a year on, we are back together and expecting another baby. He hates himself for doing it, and hurting his family - and wonders why it ever happened because we were very happy before but knows I'll never truly feel the same way about him - the total trust and innocence has been lost. Hopefully it can be replaced by something as good but different; the jury's out. Oh - and the oh-so desirable ow turned out to be a pathological liar with a body that on revelation was half padding. So success all round

Like you, at the time I realised things weren't as they should be physically and asked what was wrong - he just said he was questioning his feelings for me because time had made it go off the boil... I kept on trusting him and that was SUCH a mistake. As they all say, I really thought he was the last person in the world who'd ever do that sort of thing.