MIL's again (well ex MIL to be exact)

[macdoodle]

My XH and I have had a prolonged, messy split! On and off for a long while, his affair, his child with the OW, another baby with me 5 months later, him being aggresive, nasty, arrested, a new man for me, DD1 struggling - a long hard mess !
And me realising after a long time, that he has ALWAYS been emotionally abusive, escalating drmatically after/during the affair and much much worse when I got a new DP (a long while after we did actually split, he had not lived with us for over 2 years and DD2 was over 1)

My realtionship with his mother has always been slightly awkward I guess, due to me being quite a emotional, open touchy feely person, and her being quite a old fashioned closed type person.
his father was very very physically abusive to his 2 sons growing up, never physically to his mother, but looking ack I suspect very emotionally abusive.
I never really got on with him mainly due to the stories my XH had told me of his behaviour growing up - truly horrible things!

Anyway I gritted my teeth and made a lot of effort, xmas at my house, taking DC to visit, running around for FIL when MIL was on holiday etc!
And to be fair MIL has always helped with childcare, 2 afternoons a week for which I am grateful!

My DD's adore them, and they adore them!
But since XH was arrested (and I refused to drop charges), and I have a new DP, I have been excommunicated, they have screamed at me in the streetm told me I have changed (hmm only that I no longer allow their son to treat me like shit!!)

I had never ever told them what he was like - though they knew some of it - every evening in the pub never around on weekends, me supporting us all etc etc
I never tried or expected them to take sides, and even when things became very nasty with XH I tried to maintain some civility for the DD's sake...to no avail I might add!

So..... one afternoon a week they have each DD - previously I have collected them on my way home from work, but it is a difficult as I have to get the other DD from a different place as they wont have the 2 together!

So after a few episodes of either being ignored or treated like dogshit, I told XH I was no longer prepared to go somewhere I was so clearly not wanted, and if they wanted to continue having the DD's (and I pointed out that it wasnt a chore or a favour (as I am able to make other arrangements for them), but as DD's loved them and vice versa, they should consider it a privilege), they could do so, but I was no longer going out of my way to collect them, and would expect them to drop them back to my house! (they have 3 cars neither work and we are a 5 minute drive away)

The upshot was they make XH collect the DD's and drop them off, fine by me wont kill him anyway!

However he is going away to work for 3 weeks, leaving me with all the extra childcare, no help and all the drop offs and pick ups he does - a pain but manageable with help from my friends!

So today he says right you'll pick the DD's up at my mothers, she says just hoot and I'll send them out - well that wont work with DD2 - she is only 20 months, are they going to send her toddling across the road are they...

I said to him, can they not drop them off I am not happy to go there...he loks at me as if I am mad, and says dont be so bloody awkward as always

So now I am torn and pathetically upset again! Do I just grit my teeth and get them, be as civil as I can, DD1 is already upset he's going away, do I just get on with it (as I usually do)...or do I stick my ground and say I wont collect them and they need to drop them off at me (see they wont and I would guess they wont have them anyway then - this wont really make a difference to me - in fact it may be easier as I can have the DD's in the same place for me to colect) but DD's especially DD1 will be upset!

Am I being petty, or am I just being a mug and letting them bully me just as XH used to do

If they are giving you free childcare, I don´t think you can demand that they collect and drop off at your place.

If they have screamed at you in the street, why do you still want them to have your children?

I dont want them to have the children, but the DC adore them and would be gutted if they didnt see them!
I would prefer to never see them again!
And I dont need the childcare, in fact it would be easier to arrange something else!
We are talking about half a day with DD2, and a few hours with DD1!

I wouldnt want people who have no respect for me to be in sole charge of my children.

Tell DD daddy is on holiday and she will have a fabulous time with her sister.

Not seeing IL's for a month doesn't have to be a big deal if whatever replaces it is fun for your girls.

I misunderstood your post.

I think a few weeks without seeing GP´s won´t hurt.

Maybe your children won´t miss them as much as you think.

If your MIL is that desperate to see them, can she not collect and return?

This sounds horrible, but they don´t sound like GPs who I would be breaking my back for my children to have a relationship with.

Well you know I tried I really did!
I have apologised for my SINGLE episode of shouting which to be fair to me was very provoked, I have maintained a civil silence, I have facilitated their relationship with their grandchildren, even knowing they have produced 2 sons who have abused and cheated on their wives!

I sucked it up and gritted my teeth, and decided I would collect the children, be polite and civil, and put my children first.

So on Friday I collected DD1, got an icey stare like I was a piece if shit on her shoe, and had to wait in the car!

And today she is supposed to collect DD2 from the CM and I was going to collect her, as XH still away (he would normally pick DD2 up from MIl and bring her to my house)!

At 1pm just about to start a busy afternoons work, I get a call from my CM, MIl didnt arrive to collect DD2
Luckily my CM is flexible and wasnt above her numbers and kept DD2.

I rang XMIL to ask why she wasnt having DD2, she said she wasnt, I said you cant pick and choose which grandchild you want to have it isnt fair, she slams the phone down on me

So I've done all I can haven't I, I have made alternative arrangements, and written them a polite letter, saying that I cannot allow one child to be treated differently to another, and that anyone who treats me with so little respect and human courtesy is not someone I want looking after my children.

But god I feel crap, DD1 will be gutted, i will be the bad guy, I feel like it is never ending, XH is away and has left his parents to continue his unrelenting abuse of me

Personally I would stop these arrangements, organise formal childcare and let your x take the dds to his parents on his own time! Sounds to me that you have made an extreme effort to maintain the relationship but i would not be preprared to put up with all this crap....

I would cease regular childcare arrangement with them and instead grant them access to your precious DDs on a less frequent basis. They are not reliable or trustworthy enough to be part of your on-going childcare plan but for the sake of your DDs you should give them occasional access as long as you feel able to. Neither they nor your ex-h have done enough to deserve all the hoops that you are jumping through and DDs will adjust to less frequent visits - they are so young.

Portofino sums it up beautifully

So that is it then. No more for them.

Presumably your Ex has an access arrangement? Leave it up to him to facilitate the relationship between his parents and his DDs.

Your DDs will be picking up on all the stress this is causing, so it is not doing them any favours to continue.

I would also make sure to let schools/CMs know that exPILs are not to collect the children anymore in case they think they can pick and choose when they see them.

I agree with most of the posters here. Your children may adore their grandparents, but they are still little children, and the most they´ll do is ask for their granny a couple of times, and then play with something else instead.

Let them make the arrangements if they are really so keen on seeing their grandchildren. Otherwise, you're letting them walk all over you.

Good luck, and my admiration for being so stoic!

Hugs,

Aurynne