He left me 3 weeks ago with 2 ds and moved in with someone else! (v. long sorry)

[lucie19]

I just want to vent and I hope no one minds if I do, thank you.
Just before we went on a family holiday 5 weeks ago my husband and I had a huge row and right up unitl the 2nd day of the holiday he was really off with me. I made him come out for a walk and tell me what was up and he said he hasn't been happy in a long time and had been thinking of leaving me but didn't know what to do. SO 2 days of me shut in my room crying and he doesn't come to comfort me so I figure he wants to leave but doesn't know how to say. So i told him that morning that if that was the way he felt then perhaps we should just call it a day, he cried but agreed. Horrible holiday. 1 week later I am on a camp with a youth club I run and he brings the kids up to see me for the day and he just sits there and doesn't say a word after a while I get mad and have a go at him ask him if he has sorted somewhere to go and tell him I want him gone by the time I get back from camp. I honestly dont know why I said this because I love him so much but I could't take him sat there with a face on.
On the saturday night he drops our kids off at camp and packs his stuff to move into a flat share he has found and apparently signed contracts with in 2 days? He is living with a girl from his work who we had a row about on one occasion because he spent the night flirting with her and ignoring me. He says its purely plutonic.
I come home and tell our 2 boys what has happened (they are 4 and 9) and they are understandably gutted and we all cry together. 4 days later I agree they can go to their dads new house for the evening but when I get there to pick them up this woman is sat laughing and joking with my kids.
I have asked that she does not see them because they are confused enough as it is.
My eldest son doesn't sleep and is getting into trouble at school while the yougest is wetting the bed and crying he misses his daddy. I let them see him as often as possible and have even bought the oldest a mobile phone so he can ring his dad.
but i am a mess I cannot understand why he has left and whenever I ask him he just says he hasn't been happy for a while and he doesn't know how he feels and he needs time.
I am so sorry to rant I feel so alone and with no answers I cant begin to get over him. I just wish he would come home.

Don't waste a second of time or effort on couple counselling. This man doesn't love you, and nothing is going to make him do that. Trying to work out ways to make him love you is just going to make you feel worse and drag your self esteem further down.
First, get some legal/factual advice on where you stand WRT your house and maintenance for the DC, remember knowledge is power. Then cut all contact with him to an absolute minimum, you don;t want to hear from him unless it's about the DC or about the lega;/financial side of things. DOn't let him do the 'poor me oh my anguish i'm torn between you both' on your time (because BTW what that always means is 'I want to shag this other woman but I want you to carry on doing my washing and cooking my meals and looking after my DC'.
When you accept that the couple relationship is over and start looking to the future, you will be taking slow but sure steps towards feeling a lot better and enjoying your life. ONe day you'll have a friendly co-parent relationship with this man, even if it's laced with mild contempt for him.

ib - I am not stopping them seeing him and am being positive and telling them dads coming tonight isn't that great etc.
He tried to introduce this new girl after just 2 days I really think that its unacceptable especially since he's denying that there is anything going on with her, I am concerned that he will announce in a few weeks that they are together and the children will know they are being lied to. Right now I am dealing with traumatised children, one is wetting the bed and the other is getting into fights at school. The night I told them I couldn't help but cry when they both wailed in dispair but I am trying to keep my hurt private. I really dont think it is appropiate to introduce new people perhaps potential step mother when thay are going throught such anguish. I think he should wait and give them some time to get used to the new situation

He has definately shacked up with her. He would have moved in with a male friend otherwise. I'm so sorry about what you are going through and I hope that in teh future you can see him for the bastard he is.

Great that you're being positive with them. It'll really help them get through it.

I don't disagree that it's a bad idea for them to have to deal with a new person yet, I just wonder whether it's a good idea to make an issue of it, as your ex is likely to ignore you and the children could be caught in an uncomfortable situation.

Maybe have a quiet word with your ex but make sure the dc don't know about any reservations you may have about them seeing new gf, in case this happens?

lucie19- I completely agree with you, its not acceptable for the children to meet anyone new at this stage. Unfortunately none of it is acceptable, he has left his wife and children and the family home to move in with a female friend(?)thats pretty damn unacceptable in my book, the one thing you can be certain of is that he doesn't care about whats right or wrong, who he hurts etc.

The cruel thing about this situation is that you are the parent who has to be strong and make the right decisions for your children just when you feel at your weakest.

I think you should keep trusting your instincts about what is right or wrong, you would never have thought it right for your husband to move in with someone before and introduce them to your children so quick why should it be ok now just because hes making it happen. Think these situations make us question whats right or wrong because we have someone clearly not thinking straight making poor decisions for our children.

Seek advice from a solicitor about his contact with the children and maybe stipulate he doesn't bring her into his childrens lives while they are having difficulties dealing with the situation. I think thats more than acceptable in fact it should be a given.Of course you can lessen the confusion and damage to your children with your reaction but he needs to be aware of the impact of his actions.

So sorry you're going through this.

And see the doctor about the behaviour problems - they may be able to refer the kids to a child psychologist who will be able to help them cope with this better. Sometimes talking to a third party can help, especially if they think you will get upset if they talk about it to you (which you can't help because you re a good human being who has been royally crapped on by an absolute idiot who will probably be regretting this within the year)

I just wanted to say thank you to you all. SInce I posted on here you have made me sit back and assess my own behaviour and what I wantetc.
This led me to tell xh that we have both been behaving like spoilt kids throwing our toys out of the pram and dragging our kids into it like we always promised we never would. I told him we should shake hands and be civil for the sake of 2 very confused and sngry children.
I stepped forward to shake his hand and he gave me a really nice lingering hug which sadly has completely confused me again just when I had decided I was better of without him.
Nevertheless I have an appointment to see the solicitor this week and will decide to go from there.
But the really positive news is we seem to have reached an agreement to stop behaving so badly for the sake of the kids.

That is fantastic news lucie. Sorry to hear he's still messing around with your emotions.