Can we really survive his affair.... or am I a fool?

[bobsnpops]

I found my husband in his car with another woman about 5 weeks ago. He told me she was just someone he had met during drinks after work & it was the first time they had met up & that they never kissed. A week later I found out it was actually someone from work. He told me he only saw her for a month & it was over, that he never slept with her. A couple of weeks later I found out he had been texting her for a while & that he had carried on texting her after I found them. I found out 2 days ago that he had told her he was thinking of leaving me & they were going to give their relationship a chance. I found out last night, on our third year wedding anniversary, that he has slept with her twice and that the affair has been going on for 6 months.

We have two daughters, one is 21 months old, and the other just 10 weeks. The affair was going on when I gave birth.

My world has been rocked and I have no idea how to get through all of this. He says he kept lying to protect me but it has done the exact opposite. When I found out he had been planning on leaving me I told him it was over but he begged me to stay. Says that he tried to but could never go ahead with it because he loved me. He says that the reality of losing me has made him realise that he can't live without me. He has said he'll get a new job, we'll go to counselling, move house, move away. make a fresh start. Said he will do anything to keep me. He sent her a text 2 nights ago saying it was over.

But yesterday I found out he slept with her & I'm not sure I can live with this. I told him again that I couldn't do it - that it hurt too much. He broke down in tears, the first time I have ever seen him really cry. I asked him to let me go but he said he couldn't. I've never seen him act like that, and for the first time in 5 weeks, I actually felt like he was truly sorry for what he had done & that he does love me.

I believe we are meant to be together forever, I love him with every inch of my heart, despite what he has done. I know that having two kids close together has put a real strain on our relationship. I'm not making excuses for him but I know we have both seen each other as parents and not husband & wife for a long time. I want to get back what we once had but don't know if it is too late.

I have never felt pain like I'm feeling now, is it ever going to go away? Can I really trust him again one day? I feel like if I know that other people out there have survived something like this, then I can at least give it a chance.

I'm old fashioned. I believe everyone has the right to arse up and then be given a chance to correct it.

Affairs are totally able to be gotten over......you can turn it around. If something was going wrong in the married relationship (for him) then it can be a eye opener for you both. Lots of honesty and truth, hard as they may be, is needed. You can come back from that. Marriage is about loving someone in spite of their faults and being on their side, being their friend, being someone who can be relied upon to listen and really hear. It can work out xxxxxx.

The thing you need to decide is whether he is merely someone who needs an ego massage to feel good about himself.......if so, then he always will and won't change.

Lies deception and disrespect aren't faults though smelly feet and snoring maybe!And they aren't arse-ups either as they are pre meditated and prolonged.

Bobsnpops, if it's any help, the thing that made me give by DH a chance was that I wanted to be able to look my DC in the eye and say I did everything possible to give the marriage a chance (and luckily my DH had the same point of view). I felt their happiness was important enough for me to try and save the marriage as our family life wasn't that bad (not perfect by any means though) and they adored their father.

If after Relate and me and DH putting in the time and effort, things still didn't work out then at least I knew I had tried everything. I hope that makes sense.

We have literally just had another Relate session and we both cannot believe how far we have both come in the last four months, how much happier we both are. We both had a lot of issues and we also had 3 DC in less than 5 years and that can really put a strain on everyone.

Please do not make any decisions about your future whilst in a state of shock and this website www.beyondaffairs.com I found very useful.

Good luck.

You have only been married 3 years and for 6 months of that he has been having an affair. Thats very early and a relatively big chunk of your marriage.

Its probably the strain of the kids this time, but he really needs to find some better coping mechanisms - maybe, through counselling. Life is going to continue to throw problems your way and he can't go off and shag people each and everytime it does as a way of making him feel better.

By the way, I don't think you are a fool. Its up to you if you are happy to give him a second chance. I just think you might be facing an uphill battle in this case. Sorry.

Hi bobsnopps, I'm so sorry for what you're going through at the moment. I do understand your pain as a very similar thing happened to me.

I found out my DH was having an affair with someone at work when our DD was 2 weeks old, and similar to your situation it had been going on around the time of her birth, which seemed to make it much more painful.

I, like you, desperately loved my DH and did want to forgive him, try to understand what had happened and move on to be a family.

Unfortuntaly we couldn't get past it but I think that is because he held all the cards from the beginning and had very unrealistic expectations of how long it can take to recover from such a trauma, especially when you have a new baby at the same time.

He has now moved out (his choice) and I'm trying to get my head round it and take time to reflect on all that has happened whilst dealing with a whole new batch of emotions.

Ironically we ordered a book before he left which I think if we had had in the first few months, we would have had a much better chance of recovery. It's called Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass- you can order it on amazon. You will read it and think you are reading about yourself- it is very powerful and with the right couple I tink it could really help. But also it can still help you understand what has happened and help you realise It's* not your fault if things don't work out.

What you need right now is to be able to really talk to each other and you need all HIS support, empathy and compassion.Without them, you will be fighting a losing battle (as I have found out) and you will feel like you lose a part of yourself in the process.

But you also need your friends and family now more than ever.

Good luck. Look after yourself and your DC's though more than anything- that's what I've learnt! I think this will be a good place to vent and talk when you need to.

Thank you to everyone for your posts - I am sorry to cause conflict.

I found the strength to tell my mum today - I haven't told her before now because I knew she would be devastated & I didn't want to do that to her, I didn't feel she deserved it. However, she has once again done what all mums do & proved me wrong. She told me that her & my dad will do everything they can to support me & my husband as we try to recover from this. She never once judged me, never told me to leave him. Just said that they are here for me & will always be there for me even if it goes wrong. She is my rock and I adore her, I just wish I had confided in her sooner. You were all right about getting support from close family & friends, it is really what I need right now.

In answer to a few questions, I found out the information for myself more through instinct than anything else. I did see the text that he sent to her as I asked him to do it infront of me. He had said he would speak to her at work the next day but I would never truly know if he had done that which is why I asked him to send the text.

I am 100% sure that I love him and 100% sure that I want to work through this I am just not 100% sure how to do that yet.

I will post again soon. Thanks again for your support x

It is possible to get over an affair.

Do what feels right for you. There will be people ( no matter what you decide to do) who will think it is their right to decide your best course of action.

You don't need to make a choice now - you can have him move out for a while to give yourself space while you decide what to do. I personally decided that it would be better if he stayed because I could see what he was up to and he could see the effect it had on me. It also meant I could ask him questions / rage at him as I needed to.

It takes a long time to get it right - some days still ( over a year now) I want to rip his head from his body. Other days I think he is pretty cool.

Good luck xxx

My DH moved back to his mum's as he had so many issues to deal with and stayed with me about 3 times each to help me with the DC. Whilst I understood his need to sort himself out without distractions, I felt we couldn't repair/work on the marriage if he wasn't there IYSWIM. His mum also felt that he wasn't being helpful to me either (as I had to deal with all the DC on my own still).

My mum was also amazing and didn't judge. She and my dad have been married 45 years and I know that it wasn't all a bed of roses for them. Nothing is black or white, just many shades of grey. My parents have also been very supportive of my DH as well (considering what he put me through). I don't think my brother is as forgiving though and it will take a long time for my DH to repair that relationship as they had previously been close (like actual brothers).

Another way to look at this is in a marriage of 40/50 years, an episode like this of say 6 months is a very, very small part of the marriage (if you can make things work).

Another plus has been that all the relatives have been much more willing to babysit and help out in general, maybe realising that it really does take a "village" to raise children and we all need a break and to get out and have some proper couple time.

Good luck.

I agree that in a marriage of 40 or 50 years, 6 months is a very, very small part of it overall. But it must be a concern that this has happened so soon into the marriage.

He's been unfaithful after 2.5 years of marriage and thats if you believe its only been going on for 6 months, agree with his definition of the ' starting point ' and then ignore the pre-affair period before it became ' official '. And he only ended it because he got caught.He would have strung it on indefinitely if he hadn't.

I really hope for you that this has been a one off and it will scare the bejesus out of him. But you really have to find out why he did it. Sounds like he's going to struggle with fidelity. Does he have a history of infidelity in previous relationships ?

Wish you all the best getting through this.

Re the length of the marriage - how long have you been in the actual relationship. Whilst you have only been married for 3 yrs, were you together for a long time before marriage ?

My DH and I were only married for 4 years but have been together for 11 years and all the problems arose in the last 2/3 years. Kids with SNs, financial/business problems, DH not communicating re financial problems etc, me not accepting or asking for help when I needed it etc. You have to look at the relationship as a whole and not just the affair IYSWIM.

Only you can decide if your DH is telling the truth and how sorry he really is.

I have namechanged for obvious reasons. But in fact I had an affair after our first child was born. It was an awful time and I didn't think we could get through it. We went to Relate and built the relationship back together. It depends on your relationship. I betrayed my dh physically he betrayed me by not being there for me when I needeed him. Only you know if there are two sides and only you know whether you love him enough to work through this. He does have to be totally honest from now on and counselling is essential.

We have the strongest relationship I know as we have got through it. It was tough and it is hard to get back the trust but I just wanted to say that affairs happen for many reasons. I never thought before it happened to us that I would think there was any hope after an affair.

Yes sorry, after I posted, it occured to me that you may well have been together a long time and just married for a relatively short period. I agree with CT10 - its the realtionship as a whole that's important.