DH cannot 'listen' and it's putting me off sex. Please help!

[oneplusone]

DH is unable to listen to anything I have to say. He will literally walk off whilst I am mid-sentence, cut me off whilst I am talking to say something himself, look around and get distracted by the tiniest little everyday sounds, carry on watching tv as if I haven't said anything. Every time he does this, I feel belittled, unimportant, and hurt. I feel he does not respect me enough to pay attention when I am saying something.

I never feel like having sex with him and I have worked out that his inability to listen to me is why. It causes resentment in me towards him and I feel very disconnected from him if we cannot even have a normal everyday conversation.

I have told him how he makes me feel but he just says he doesn't mean to do it, he doesn't do it intentionally, it's all in my head if i feel belittled and hurt and he basically says he can't change and i have to put up with it.

I have tried but I can't put up with it and I don't really know what to do. Has anybody got any ideas?

He gets moody if I say i don't want sex and goes on about all the things he does for me. And to be fair he does do a lot around the house and helps out with the DC's as much as he can, considering he also works long hours in a sressful job. But I would be much happier if he helped out less and listened more. I never ask him to help, he just does it, but I have asked him to listen as that is what i want from him, but he says he can't. It seems like an impossible problem, please tell me there is a way forward!

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

"He says he is willing to try and change but I have to help him by jokingly and nicely pointing out to him each time he does this."

The only way pointing it out would work is if he's listening.

I think that either he hasn't quite got it or that he is perfectly aware and you've just caught him out!

[toomanystuffedbears]

Hi oneplusone
Not very long ago, I said to dh:
'You know I blame Middle Sister for putting me down so much, but you degrade me your fair share.'

I didn't wait for a response, but he did hear me and has been aware since.

His father is a chauvanistic rather "old school"... and in spite of all the 'sensitivity training' dh has been through at work, I see some of his dad peep out occasionally. Dh does have a lot of frustration with people at work, so I understand he may have interaction overload and want the sanctuary as mentioned before. And I'm ok with that.

However, when he treats me that way, it is a stab in the heart. I have learned to disconnect rather than go through the frustration of trying to make him treat me differently. I think that is the course he wants-he wants me to try to make him-so he can frustrate me even more. So I don't play; *uck the housework, I'm working on my quilt for days...

It is not a perfect world.

I really don't think dh feels that part of his function as husband is to be wife's confidant. He does truck loads of other stuff (bathrooms ) but being my conversation partner/counselor/whatever just doesn't click for him.

[labyrinthine]

oneplusone
I read your op and then had to check the MN nickname as I thought I could have actually written it!
I have a current thread which began with a different issue but the underlying issues of communication and behaviour of my dh are exactly as you describe with yours.

It makes me sad to read it actually~for you,me and everyone else who starts off together thinking it will be fun and happy travelling the journey of life together only to find out it's more like a torturous,confusing life sentence.

Life is too short for this.

Sorry can't get it to link but it is an
"AIBU to feel that dh is being horrid and unreasonable?"

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

oneplusone - having read your later posts I take back my suggestions, would seem that you know what's going on here and now that you are out of your depression you are getting the energy to tackle it.

[TDiddy]

Very sad posts. I think some people come home from work and don't switch off but continue to behave in work mode. I think SGB's and oneplusone's points about not relying fully on DP for adult interaction is relevant. BUT we should not have to fight a battle for respect and consideration at home.

I think in the calmest manner you have to say that this is a fundamental issue and a possible marriage breaker. One strategy when not getting on is for each partner to list the three things that he/she would like the other to focus/work on without accusation or interruption, argument, counter claim.

You can even write it down and then both revisit it after a couple of weeks. And then a month and so on.

Most of all tell him that bitterness and unhappiness is being stored up which would be a real shame when you are 70 and look back at your lives.

Best wishes

[oneplusone]

hello again, sorry for disappearing yesterday, DC's took over.

Anauntie, you are right, now that I am out of my depression I have the confidence and energy to tackle DH's behaviour towards me.

tmsb, hi and thank you for your post. You are so right in that the only way to deal with this is not to engage with him, and if and when he cuts me off, to see it as his problem instead of feeling hurt/humiliated as was no doubt his conscious/subconscious intention. It's almost a form of bullying, but very subtle, and i know exactly where he learnt it from, his mother.

tmsb, I don't expect DH or anyone to listen to every single thing i might say, but i do believe I am entitled to be treated with basic respect and courtesy and that means not interrupting me/cutting me off mid sentence etc. Without that our marriage is doomed.

However, since my last post, things have moved forward positively. I realised that DH was deliberately not listening to me as I have described. But I am no longer upset about it or annoyed with him about it. The reason being that the root cause of his behaviour towards me lies with my parents. That may sound unlikely, but it's true. It's a very very long story, but basically, because I was abused by my parents, I was a very damaged person when i met and married DH. I fully admit that when we first got married i often treated DH in a way that he didn't deserve because i, without realising it, had a lot of anger and bitterness stored up inside me because of my childhood. I would often take my feelings out on DH even though it should have been my parents who actually deserved my anger and resentment. So, because i was treating DH badly, he naturally built up bitterness and anger and resentment towards me. Although he still always tried to be good to me, my behaviour towards him over the years must have hurt and angered him deeply as he had done nothing to deserve it. So even though he would always try and be good to me, i could always sense in him the anger and resentment he had towards me, and that would make me feel hostile towards him. I was unable to see that it was my own behaviour which was causing his resentment towards me.

Over the past few years I have been dealing with my childhood issues. And it is only now that I have realised that DH was entitled to feel angry and hurt and upset at the way i was treating him, but my behaviour towards him was as a result of the damage done to me by my parents. And we have both realised now that rather than the two of us being antagonistic towards each other, we should both be united in feeling angry towards my parents. Since I realised all this and spoke to DH about it last night, i feel a huge burden has been lifted from me. I have treated DH badly, but i couldn't help it, my childhood experience meant i had no idea how to communicate, trust other people, believe I was worthy of being loved and respected and all my issues had a huge effect on DH and our marriage.

Sorry for the long ramble, but I hope it might help some of you in the same situation. ie The problem went a lot deeper than i first realised.

[TDiddy]

Pneplusone- you sound very empathetic which is commendable. However, after a good open chat with DH and with you showing understanding towards him, hopefully your relationship will move to a more supportive phase with him not compunding your childhood abuse but helping to overcome it. Best wishes

[oneplusone]

dittany, i don't know, will have to wait and see on that. But if he does, i am not going to get upset, i know it's because he has some issue he is taking out on me and i know i won't feel belittled or humiliated. I will just feel sorry for him that he feels he has to behave in such a childish way and that he cannot just tell me what the problem is in an adult manner.

TDiddy, i hope so. Will wait and see.

But despite my acceptance that a lot of our problems started with me, i am not going to let him walk all over me and feel that every single thing is my fault. He has his fair share of flaws too, the trouble is he is too arrogant to admit to them.

[oneplusone]

dittany you are right, but i cannot force him to change or work on his issues, all i can do is change my response to him and he will soon see he is not having the effect on me that he intended.

But i will get that book as i think it will be useful anyway. Thank you.

[backtoworkthistime]

agree with dittany.

Also it reads as if suddenly you've found the reason why he is disrespectful to you~it's all your fault!