lonely new mum

[hellie75]

Hi all not sure why I'm writing this, I just feel lonely and isolated but also I don't feel confident enough to join any groups. I don't feel particulary low but I know I am quite isolated. I had a hard pregnancy and even worse birth which I am still trying to come to terms with, my little one is 12 weeks old.

I love spending time with the babe but at the start of the day I get up and wonder how on earth I'm going to fill it. I have a good friend locally but feel that I am too reliant on her. My husband is good but I resent that he goes to work and leaves me all day although I know this is a reality of our lives and not particularly his choice.

I don't really have much of a network locally we relocated here a few years ago and every spare moment was spent at work.

I feel frustrated with myself, I feel I should be happy not moaning, I have a gorg babe but I just don't feel happy, I'm bored and lonely....

What to do?

Could your friend go with you for the first couple of times to a mother and baby group? Just to ease you into it. It's a lot easier to initiate conversation with somebody when you're with people you know, as you know that if they flounce off uninterested, you won't be left standing there alone.

Hi Hellie, I just wanted to say 12 weeks is still very early. You're still very close to the pregnancy & birth, and you say those were hard for you. They're hard for many many women & lots of women take loads of time to feel they have completely left the pregnancy & birth behind them. So you're not alone there, not at all. Also, you say you feel bored & lonely, that too is completely understandable, you're with a tiny baby at home all day, your DH is not around, you have few friends. A baby is hard work & often very boring work, give yourself a pat on the back for doing a difficult & often boring job & doing it well. Don't expect to feel happy, it's perfectly ok to moan sometimes, I moaned & moaned when my DS was 12 weeks

What I would suggest is taking tiny little steps to help yourself. Make a few plans each week. As Shewillbeloved suggested, start going to a mother & baby group. At first it'll be hard (especially if you're a bit shy). Gradually it'll be better. Stick with it. Also, make sure you go out with your baby at least once a day. Perhaps find a local cafe & go there for a coffee, put the baby in the pram & just go there. You might find (this happened with me, and I still do it now that DS is 13 months old) that the cafe-workers may start talking to you, or some of the other regulars. This will make you feel nice & it'll be a nice break from home. Also: Go to the park. Go to the playground (even though your baby is tiny still). Make a small & doable schedule for yourself, it'll help just getting out!

Finally, if you feel you're really low, perhaps talk to someone about it? It's so common for women to feel isolated & sad & lonely & bored with a newborn. We don't have to suffer in silence! Maybe talk to your gp. There are also lovely counsellors who can support you through this difficult time- some of them work with low cost fees.

Is there someone who could look after your baby for 1-2 times a week so that you could rest / take a break?

Message withdrawn

Hellie, I really recommend getting out and meeting other mums. It is completely normal to feel bored and lonely and isolated, and you have to make things to fill your day. Even if you aren't very confident, it is worth persisting- everyone is in the same boat, honestly. If you don't nip this in the bud soon and get out and about, you're going to get more and more miserable, I suspect. And that ain't good for anyone.

Here are some ideas, in case they are on in your local area:

baby massage/ baby yoga/ keep fit where you can take your baby

cinemas which have "baby showings" in the morning (adult films you can take baby to)

get in touch with your local NCT tea list and ask to join

get in touch with your local Sure Start centre as many of them have 0-1 groups

art galleries etc. you can take baby to (do it now before they want to crawl around!)

look up old friends/ work colleagues and go and visit them in their work lunch break. In fact, I used to regularly go and meet DH in his lunch hour.

Hope this helps. Try to do something every day, honestly. I could have written your post myself by the way, last year.

Thanks to all for your advice, I was so surprised and delighted when you responded.

I have been Miss positive today, enquired about a number of groups and even put my name down for 2! I know I won't find them easy to begin with (did anyone else find they lost confidence when pregnant and how did you get it back?)but I also realise that I have to get my act together now to improve the way I feel.

Thanks again x

Hellie, I remember exactly how you feel. Because it's completely normal!

I was terrified the first time I went to a mother and baby group, and barely spoke till someone spoke to me. And I would describe myself as a very confident person.

BUT it's worth sticking with - all day indoors with a baby is very very hard, and in any case you need other mothers to compare notes and hold your hand when the going's tough.

From that one beginning I ended up with a diary so full that DS and I spent most of the day out of the house. Two years on, I still have many good mummy-friends even though I'm back at work, and DS is madly sociable (with a great fondness for cafes )

My two favourites were the breastfeeding group (if you are BF, they're great, not least because you know you've got at least one easy topic of conversation!) and Pushy Mothers (exercise class out with prams; generally ending with coffee and cake. There should be one near you).

Where are you, roughly?

Great to hear, Hellie, that you put your name down for 2 groups. Try to stick to it, it'll do you a world of good. And yes, I think it's completely normal to lose your confidence during pregnancy & childbirth. It does come back gradually, just give yourself time & take care of yourself