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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get over it...

50 replies

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 11:35

I've lurked here throughout my pregnancy and now, with my baby 6 weeks old, I'm posting for the first time...

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for four years. It has always been a very intense relationship, partly because of our personalities and partly because our relationship has faced external pressures. But we've always been madly in love. I broke up with him a couple of years ago for two weeks and he tried everything to win me back. I was so confused because I loved him but our relationship was so difficult and, with hindsight, I appreciate gave him very mixed messages - sometimes I would sleep with him and we behaved like a couple, other times I would bristle when he touched me and would tell him that we were definitely not getting back together. He now says he felt like I was playing with his feelings and had no intention of getting back together with him.

One night I had one or two too many drinks at dinner with my mother and called him up. He was out with his sister and a couple of friends, drowning his sorrows. I completely lost my temper and screamed abuse at him down the phone - I felt like I'd lost my friendship group, I suppose, but this didn't translate. I just screamed at him that I never wanted to see him again, EVER, and gave him a whole load of shit. Well, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. A girl who we now know is very promiscuous, very forward with men, and will stop at nothing to have as many notches on her bed post as possible, approached him and chatted with him all night. She told him how hot he was and how much she wanted him but also sympathetically listened while he and his sister talked about our relationship and his love for me.

When we got back together we never talked about what specifically happened - he just insisted they didn't have sex. He stopped texting her and seeing her and soon forgot all about her, although when I first told him I'd like us to get back together, he said that he wanted to carry on hanging out with her too because she made him feel good about himself. It was like he didn't want to let go of this new fun lifestyle of going out and getting pissed and he wanted to be worshipped. I remember being devastated about this and told him he'd have to choose, which he did. After that, he quite embarrassed by the whole thing and when we later broke up a second time - six months later - he didn't return to her or anybody else...

However, for whatever reason, I felt I really needed to know what had happened and brought it all up a few weeks ago. He didn't want to go over any of the details - I suppose because he could see I was upset - but said that the first night they met they had started to have sex and then he realised it was a mistake and said, "what the fuck am I doing?" and stopped. After that, he said she "didn't get what she wanted" but he did go to a party with her and met her on another occasion. This all happened over the space of about 3 days and then we got back together and he phoned her to say he wouldn't be seeing her again.

But I can't get over it. I know it happened so long ago and I am as certain as you can ever be that he would never cheat on me and I know he regrets it deeply...but I just can't stop imagining them having sex. It's making me resent him and that is ridiculous because we have been so, so happy - our relationship was perfect throughout my pregnancy and first few weeks with DS, until I raised these issues. How do people get over affairs within relationships?! Because I can't even deal with this - it's eating up my self-esteem.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 07/09/2009 17:19

You have nothing to feel defensive about really but you need to decide if this is the life you want. He knows you have tied yourself in knots about this other girl and now he is telling you about someone flirting with him.

Rindercella · 07/09/2009 17:26

why would he be telling you about a pretty blonde flirting with him? What good would that serve?

That sort of behaviour would be bothering me more than his indiscretion when you were on a break.

You recently gave birth to his child. He should be doing everything he can to make you feel secure, warm and good about yourself. You do not need him to be putting idea of attractive women throwing themselves at him. He actually sounds terribly insecure to me.

skihorse · 07/09/2009 17:28

The fact that yesterday you "didn't say anything" contradicts directly with your assertion that you communicate brilliantly.

Have you thought about having couples counselling? Your relationship does not sound adult or healthy right now.

Original poster

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 17:32

He didn't actually say HE thought she was pretty...he said his boss said she was "fit" and asked him for his opinion and he said she looked "over-processed". And he didn't say she was flirting, he just explained her behaviour which came across to me as flirting...harmless flirting but banter nontheless.

It really is about mental control of my emotion - it's just that it is very hard work!

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 07/09/2009 17:33

12 minutes ago you said she was flirting.

Original poster

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 17:35

skihorse - I meant that I have laboured the point about him and this other girl, raised my insecurities over and over, what else is there to say? How would being silly over a girl mildly flirting with him at work help our situation? I have no reason to be threatened by that and he hasn't done anything wrong so it seems better to resolve it internally.

OP posts:

Original poster

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 17:36

Fab - I interpreted the comments she made as flirting, he didn't define it as so.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 07/09/2009 18:24

You do both sound like a pair of daft monogamists who deserve each other. Unfortunately, people who get so obsessed with monogamism that they resort to bucketloads of verbal abuse, crockery-hurling, game playing and even physical violence, generally need the equivalent of a good kick in the perineal area when they become parents.
You have a baby now. Stop worrying about couplehood, concentrate on the parenthood for a while and then you can work out whether you actually like each other enough to maintain a couple-relationship or whether you're both just feeeding each other's fantasies that Great Romance is all about drama.

skihorse · 07/09/2009 18:29

thisgirl But communication isn't about having a blazing row. All you needed to have said yesterday was "it makes me feel insecure to think another woman was flirting with you". You make it sound like it's all a battle. You just needed to voice what you felt.

Resolving it "internally" isn't working out so well for you though does it?

Original poster

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 20:21

Touche! Maybe you've hit the nail on the head there. But I do like him being open with me about things like that and wouldn't want to hinder what he felt he could tell me about.

There are some other things I've been ruminating about - realisations, or lessons I need to learn - so I'm going to feed our baby and return to it a bit later, I think.

OP posts:

LeQueen · 07/09/2009 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 22:12

He has found talking about it really difficult ? he just offers three-word sentences and answers ?yes? or ?no? to my questions. He wants to forget about it. I also don?t think it?s very clear in his memory, being so long ago and he had had about ten pints that night. He insists they didn?t have sex as in full sex ? they started and after what I have the impression was around a minute, he suddenly felt very bad and questioned what the fuck he was doing. So it was sex but ?to say it lasted is an overstatement? in his words. Nobody came. I think I believe him. He says he did it because he was flattered and wanted to get back at me. Our feelings and loyalty for each other have always been strong so it?s feasible he would become horrified/freaked out and withdraw (literally). The other two occasions they met, he says nothing happened because I had been in contact with him again and we were getting on, but he just kept seeing her because he didn?t have a lot of friends at the time, got on with her group of friends and enjoyed the attention. Hmm. I?ll never know for sure, will I?

The physical violence within our relationship no longer exists and hasn?t done for maybe a year and a half. When I found out I was pregnant, I considered an abortion. I queried whether we were suitable parents, individually and together, given our emotional difficulties. It was the hardest decision of my life. He was desperate for us to have a baby but I was more skeptical about whether we were up to scratch and booked the termination. He drove me there, despite crying secretly in the bathroom that morning. But we couldn?t find the clinic and pulled over and had a very raw and frank conversation about whether we could make this work. We cried and swore that we would. Please don?t judge. Our baby is happy and healthy and enormously loved. We haven?t ever fought around him. We?re getting much better at resolving issues...part of me posting here was to straighten my head out, to be told off by some other women to get a sense of perspective and grow up. We?re both 24. So we?re young but we?re not doing badly. I?m a good mother who is nurturing her baby into developing good sleeping and eating habits and is eagerly awaiting his first smile. Neither of us want the drama anymore ? we understand that having a child demands you sort yourself out and we?re working on it.

OP posts:

dollius · 07/09/2009 22:16

Why are you even thinking about this?

You have a six-week-old baby, FGS.

Focus, please.

If you have a bad/violent relationship with your DP, then get out of it and concentrate on your baby.

Becoming a parent means putting aside your own needs once and for all. There is someone else whose needs you have to prioritise now.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 07/09/2009 22:57

"Specifically how do you contract an STI from a female - just from any contact with their vaginal fluids or do they have to orgasm?"

I have never heard anyone suggest that a woman has to have an orgasm to pass on an STI

Some STIs, such as herpes and warts can be passed by skin to skin contact, others need fluid, none need an orgasm. Oral to genital contact also can be a way to catch/pass on STIs. Apparently chlamydia in the eyes is not unknown (I blame those porn film money shots..)

Are you in fact worrying that your DP is continuing to have contact with this girl or other girls?

Original poster

thisxgirl · 07/09/2009 23:01

Yeah, I thought so.

I don't think he has contact with any girls at all. That's the stupid thing - it's all historical.

OP posts:

sandcastles · 07/09/2009 23:28

Re your insecurities, it really is very basic, but he choose to be with you. Not the blonde 'flirting' with him, or the other girl with her implants (mentioned only because it seems important to you).

Regardless of whether thay had full sex or not, he is with you & you somehow have to deal with the past issue & move on.

By continually quetioning him about it, you are going to push him away. Accept that you bumped him, he had sex & now you are back together.

If you really cannot get over it, you may find it is easier to end the relationship so you are no longer tormented by a past you had a very big hand in creating!

sandcastles · 07/09/2009 23:36

Regardless of whether thay had full sex or not

Not FULL sex, lasting sex

lilacclaire · 08/09/2009 00:09

You sound really really insecure.
You need to accept that it did actually happen, you then need to realise he regretted it and finally that it was a long time ago, he is now with you and you have a baby together.

Sorry for stating the obvious, but you really need to move on from this and have some faith in your relationship and yourself or this and other things like this may destroy you and your relationship.

Rationalise things to yourself, ie, why exactly do you feel so threatened when you are sure of his commitment and faithfullness to you? Is there any real need to feel threatened? The answer is probably not and you need to focus on this.

I do understand how your feeling, I was really insecure myself and it can seep into every thought you have.

DandyLioness · 08/09/2009 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

thisxgirl · 08/09/2009 10:39

Thank you so much for the supportive advice - really just confirms what I've already been telling myself but it's good to have it affirmed.

I'll never know if he's telling the whole truth...maybe if I did, I'd feel like it was easier to move on. I seem to be going over the details like a detective. I don't think he has a clear idea of how long it lasted...because he was so drunk and because he actually has very little concept of how long a minute is. He was talking about something else yesterday and said that it took 'one minute' but it was more like 20 seconds! Doesn't really matter whether they did more than that...but I would like to think he's being truthful and in that sense it matters. He told me he'd tell me if they'd had full sex because, in many ways, what he did was 'just as bad'. He said he was nowhere close to ejeculating/that stage of sex. Oh, I need to just forget the specifics and focus on why this has bothered me.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/09/2009 08:12

No, what you need to do is decide if you want to be with this guy and then just draw a line under it or he will leave you anyway.

Quattrocento · 09/09/2009 08:17

Sounds a bit overemotional tbh. I echo the other posters who have told you to let it go - you know you need to. I guess for you it's a question of finding a way to let it go.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/09/2009 08:22

He hasn't even done anything wrong!

You were split up.

Rindercella · 09/09/2009 20:00

Have a look at this and try to let your DP's indiscretion when you were ON A BREAK go

ginnny · 10/09/2009 12:31

Believe me it will not help if you find out more gory details, it will just feed the frenzy you have worked yourself up into. You wouldn't feel better if he confessed to having full sex with her - you'd be wanting to find out more and more and get even more obsessed.
I'm thinking you ought to go to your GP/Health Visitor and get some counselling (its free on the NHS).

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