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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What can i do about my expartner reluctance to compromise??

9 replies

ToSadToCry · 03/09/2009 13:57

Me and my ex broke up over a year ago now and have a DD. we decided to give it ago at xmas so i moved back in and everything was gud for a mere 5 weeks, stuff happened and he basically forced me to move out of my home with my dd, with his verbal abuse. I am now living at home with my parents and DD and have been for the last 7months. My ex has out DD 3nights a week and i wouldnt have it any other way as she loves him to bits but he refuses to get my name taken of the morgage and is getting in to arrers i cannot afford to pay as i have my own debts to pay for. The other issue is DD is very unsettled when she comes home from her dads and as she will be starting school early next year i have suggested he has her more at the weekend to prevent this from becoming a problem he refuses as he works an extra job at weekends.

I feel as if i allways have to give in and that im not in control of anything that concerns my dd. I am just trying to move on as i have met a lovely bloke and just want toget everything sorted with out my ex always trying to upset me.

Any advice would be grateful. We have both got solicitors and are currently doing mediation but wondered if there was any advice bout how to handle things.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 03/09/2009 14:03

well i think you need to be clearer about her being unsettled. how do you mean?

is the sols/mediation for this issue or another? what does ex think will happen once school starts?

Lemonylemon · 03/09/2009 14:20

Get yourself down to CAB to get information about the mortgage for one thing. Then speak to your solicitor about your concerns regarding your DD. My DS was always unsettled after coming back from his Dad's in fact it was a pain in the backside every weekend.....

Also, can you get advice from Womens Aid?

mathanxiety · 03/09/2009 17:47

You will have to ask the solicitor asap about the mortgage thing. It's not just a case of taking your name off. If you are named as a debtor on the mortgage then you owe the debt, just as your H does. It may well be that the house will need to be sold as a result of the divorce I assume you are getting, in order to settle the marital debt, which is what the mortgage is now called. Otherwise, the only option may be to buy him out of your half of the house; I'm assuming this is not possible. As far as your DD being unsettled, get legal help too. It is very unlikely that a man who is verbally abusive to you is a good parent to a very young child. Usually verbal abusers have underlying emotional or personality issues, and these will affect parenting skills. Your solicitor may be able to help you write a parenting plan that restricts overnight visits to the exH maybe he could feed her dinner instead and then bring her home. Maybe they could spend bank holidays together? His birthday? Father's Day? Some holidays with him and some with you? Something that will not affect school. BTW Mediation is very hard with an abuser. A solicitor may want to get this annoying pest settled and out of his or her hair no matter what the settlement is or how badly it affects the 'nice' but not a nuisance other person. Don't bow to pressure from your solicitor to go along and get along.

Original poster
ToSadToCry · 04/09/2009 13:40

I loveTiffany - She is very unsettled at my childminders on the nites he has her, sometimes so bad she has had to ring him up to come collect her because nobody can console her. That cant be good for school. HE also just keeps her off for no gud reason i am big in to routine and going to the chilminders is a big part of that.

Mediation is for both sorting out finances and my DD.

CAB didnt want to know when i rang them they just told me to get a solicitor.

MAthanxiety_ We are not married and i know it is not that easy but he sed that he wanted to keep the house and would get my name taken off the morgage, but now he is in arrers on it yet can afford to go on holiday abroad.

I have a solicitor but your rite she is not intrestd in help me get what i want, it is taking her weeks to get letters to me and i really feel like giving up hope that anything that is agreed will be what i wolud like i feel im always the one giving in to his demands surely that is not rite???

OP posts:
Original poster
ToSadToCry · 04/09/2009 13:43

I loveTiffany - She is very unsettled at my childminders on the nites he has her, sometimes so bad she has had to ring him up to come collect her because nobody can console her. That cant be good for school. HE also just keeps her off for no gud reason i am big in to routine and going to the chilminders is a big part of that.

Mediation is for both sorting out finances and my DD.

CAB didnt want to know when i rang them they just told me to get a solicitor.

MAthanxiety_ We are not married and i know it is not that easy but he sed that he wanted to keep the house and would get my name taken off the morgage, but now he is in arrers on it yet can afford to go on holiday abroad.

I have a solicitor but your rite she is not intrestd in help me get what i want, it is taking her weeks to get letters to me and i really feel like giving up hope that anything that is agreed will be what i wolud like i feel im always the one giving in to his demands surely that is not rite???

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 04/09/2009 16:00

Well, I would speak to Womens Aid and see if they can give you any ideas where you can get help from. Also, change your solicitor and get some decent advice about the mortgage.

It might be an idea to stop the overnight stays during the week for a while as it's unsettling her so much.

Original poster
ToSadToCry · 07/09/2009 14:37

I did try and he threatened to take her, so i had to agree to keep the same days as he actually went to collect her from my childminder when i sed he cud only have her at weekends due to her being unsettled and her behaviour.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 08/09/2009 11:35

You still need to speak to Womens Aid and change your solicitor. You need decent advice regarding his threats and your financial position.....

Original poster
ToSadToCry · 08/09/2009 13:09

Thanks every one x

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