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'DH' never interested in talking about things
54321 · 16/05/2003 19:41
Am I alone, or is it just me?
Do you think he is telling me something, ie find your conversation boring even when it is about the children ?
He has always been this way but it seems to be even worse now. You would think he would want to hear about all the little things to do with the children and decisions to be made about them etc etc but even this doesn't seem to raise his conversation level.
meanmum · 16/05/2003 20:14
Have you spoken with him about his communication skills. Have you talked to him about his feelings. That may sound a bit trite considering the fact you started this thread saying he didn't want to talk about anything.
Sometimes dh and I miscommunicate but we manage to sort it out by talking it through. I can feel like he isn't listening and doesn't care but that isn't the case and when he realises I am starting to feel that way we talk about it and then move forward again.
mammya · 16/05/2003 20:15
54321, so sorry you're so upset. How are things otherwise with your DH? Does he know how you feel about his attitude? Do you think counselling would help. My ex is a bit the same, he didn't mind me talking but never had much to say himself. It's actually better now that we're not together anymore, at least we talk about dd (although I still do most of the talking!). Sorry if this is not very helpful, but if it makes you feel better to talk about it you know you can do it safely here.
snickers · 16/05/2003 21:00
I have to add that our DH's/P's are not as interested in every little thing that the children do in quite the same way we are. Sometimes my DH has to stop me from talking constantly about DD, and although he loves hearing about her, and is interested pretty much most of the time, there are times when I know he would just like me to talk about something else for a change. Sounds heartless, but it's true (according also to friends of mine).
So I would say he doesn't think you are boring per se, just wants a change of scene on the conversation front occasionally.
I put on radion 4 quite often, as it's considerably less mind-numbing than daytime telly, and will also have some of the topics I know he's been reading about in the papers etc, so I can punctuate my deails on DD with a conversation about all sorts of stuff...
I find I have to do this for myself as well, because otherwise my mind becomes so chockablock with DD that I worry I am becoming dull (and I notice it esp. with girlfriends who have no children). Does this make sense?
Try an experiment of talking about something key in the news that you have heard about, and see if it sparks him into life
Tigger2 · 16/05/2003 22:13
54321, this is men, they cannot think about more than one thing at a time!, honestly, mine can't, and he is very clever, just can't read the bloody Farmers Weekly and do the homework at the same time, but I can make the tea, wash the dishes, hang up the washing and talk on the phone at the one time!!!!.
ZsaZsa, what pictures, and is u of the woman or man kind?
aloha · 16/05/2003 22:37
I do think we get a bit obsessed with our kids. I know I do. I could talk about him to the postman (whoops, I do that. Oh dear) I am like a very boring girlfriend who has fallen in love and brings her boyfriends name/habits into every conversation at the slightest excuse (Oooh! Kevin brushes his teeth too!). I think it is a bit boring for anyone but us mums. And that goes for our dearest friends and partners too. The only person on earth as obsessed with the details of ds's life as me is my mum, I'm afraid. Dh is indulgent but gets bored, and he's fantastic and a totally involved and adoring father. And I suppost it IS a bit boring. Please don't take it personally. He doesn't think YOU are boring, just the topic. Like I don't think dh is boring, but if he tries to tell me about the Leeds United management structure again I might have to slit my wrists...
griffy · 16/05/2003 22:44
I used to think that men who didn't say much - or engage others - were deep and meaningful, but I now think that they either are:
- rather shallow, with little to say for themselves OR
- obsessed with different, 'manly' sorts of things - like football/gadgets/electronics/trains or whatever OR
- depressed and/or over-stressed.
Could any of these apply to your 'DH'? Of course one major difficulty is that if he won't talk to you it's really hard to get to the bottom of the problem. Makes it a bit of a catch 22. Was he always like this? What about at the start of your relationship? If not, could you try some ways of winding the clock back a bit to have some fun together?
steppemum · 17/05/2003 05:54
poor you, sorry you're feeling so miserable. I wonder if your dh is anything like mine. in that he is a bit of an introvert. This means that he comes home form work feeling "peopled out" and what he really craves is some headspace. If he goes away and reads the papar and has a cup of tea for an hour, then he is ready to be sociable again. I have been at home all day and long for some adult company, so i am desperate to chat about all the little things that have happened. (I am also an extrovert, so I rarely need sapce away from people, so it was hard for me to understand) Once I realised that he needed that time, we communictaed much better. The only problem is that now he comes straight in and helps with bedtime routine etc, and so just when I want to sit down and have some adult time, he still needs his headspace, and wants to switch off for a bit.
Sorry a bit rambly, don't know if it makes sense.
54321 · 17/05/2003 07:04
so much of what has been said here applies but I find it hard to accept that he isn't interested in what is happening with me either. Don't think it's me think it's various things eg tired/stressed sometimes, if I could talk about the news or his interests he would talk more but they are not what interest me and I sometimes need him to show interest in our family matters too. He thinks he shows interest but not at the level I want we have talked about it he promises to try and then we end up where I try hard not to talk about what's on my mind again and end up feeling as I do all over again. So much so that I am feeling as if it must be me that is boring and the children that he is not interested in their every little matters, which I can't understand as there lives are so important, aren't they? Must end children calling. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
tallulah · 17/05/2003 11:30
I'm having this at the moment too. My DH is not known for his intelligent converstaion & sparkling wit but just lately, getting him to talk to me about anything other than asylum seekers & the state of the country in general has been impossible!
There was a time- I'm sure I didn't imagine it- when we used to have proper conversations about our plans for the future. Now when I say to him I want to talk he says "what do you want to talk about" & I know that in his head he's somewhere else.
We had a particularly nasty anniversary come up a couple of weeks ago & when he hadn't mentioned it I asked if he knew what the date was. He snapped that he did, and didn't want to talk about it because there was no point. Personally I think he's showing all the signs of depression (and maybe yours is too 54321), but he refuses to go to the doctor because (a) there's no point & (b) she'd laugh at him. Think that says it all.
doormat · 17/05/2003 12:05
Most men are very introverted and find it hard to talk about their feelings. It is not their fault but the way they have been raised. Men have been taught not to cry and show no emotions. Was he brought up like this.
Also he maybe sexist and believe the womans place is with the children and dads are only there for financial support. I dont mean to offend anyone with that statement but I have seen alot of men behave like this. It is not their fault but a product of how they were raised.
My FIL was like this. He was a very staunch man who liked his pint with the boys and no women were allowed. The womans place was in the home.
Is your dp/dh like this at all?????
54321 · 17/05/2003 14:37
he will cry, doormat, kind of but I think maybe I just stress him out more, like tallulah said work is stressful or has been but then so is looking after the children and I need to talk but he doesn't how do you cope can't turn to mother all the time and anyway you have to talk about some things but I'm afraid we will become one of those couples who communicate via the children and shut each other off completely. Thought those dark days had gone but feel as if we are starting to live like that. Not being very clear really, can't talk face to face with anyone else as I feel they might tell me to try things I have already tried and that will make me feel even more like a failure. Keep hoping that if I don't talk about things anymore he will start asking but it's hard holding back so much. Then I get angry because I feel aren't you just the little bit curious about what we do. must end again.
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