I have had sex but never made love

[chicory]

Its hard to type this message but after about 16 years of being in a relationship I feel that I have had sex but never made love.

I care very much indeed for my husband - he is the only person Ive ever slept with. But feel that I have not been in love with him and he has certainly not been in love with me - although he cares very much for me also.

In fact up until recently I didnt really believe in being in love at all and thought it was ridiculous and irrelevent or just didnt really exist.

That was until about 2 years ago when I fell utterly in love with someone I know very well. It took about 6 months or so to fall in love and really I didnt see it happening or didnt want to. When I realised, it was too late - it had happened. Ive tried so hard to get out of this since then by various means, but it hasnt worked. He dosent know and we carry on being close (its hard not to as its such a natural connection) - we work together. I think he perhaps might feel the same - and its that that is so difficult. We get on so incredibly well - when people used to talk about soulmates I would not believe it, but this connection is how I feel.

I cant really describe how awful I feel about all of this for obvious reasons and the injustice to others - but in spite of the guilt the feelings dont go away, although it would be good it they did in may ways.

I can imagine that with him I could make love and I cant now let go of this idea. I have never craved just being with someone before. I almost "need" to tell him - perhaps that in itself will help the feelings disipate (if he says he does not feel the same way). Whatever, its so hard to go on feeling like this and I dont think I can for too much longer (getting another job is of course an option but v hard). Should I tell and at least hope that on rejection I will at least feel free - to continue with the rest of my life ?

Thanks Abedelia although dont know that I have managed to actually step away - it is horribly difficult in spite of all of the logic pointing to doing this. You tend to think what if this is different ? I know usually its not though..
SGB I used to share your views re the large no of people out there etc- but not sure I do now. Its not that I believe there is literally only one person but I think it can be hard to find someone who you can be really happy with (not that even then it will be easy) - but a lifetime now is a v long time..and people do change. Does anyone think its a good idea to tell him - as I hope that would dissipate the fantasy/prick the bubble so to speak and begin some kind of recovery from this and allow me to concentrate on other things(its honestly mostly with this in mind that I woul do this)

If he has gone as far as hinting that his relationship with his poor unsuspecting wife is not brilliant then if you tell him, you will be ripe for him moving in on you. Try it and see, but bear that in mind. He loves the flattery and is willing to screw over his family for that.

IMHO this man is a bit of a sleaze - do you really want to be with someone who slags off his own partner to another woman behind her back and who is making it clear he'd like to screw around because he's met someone a bit more exciting (for now, till the novelty wears off). Because take off the rose tinted glasses and that's what he's basically doing. I'm afraid that's how you need to get over it. You are better than that - hence the fact you are stepping back and asking for advice. You are vulnerable because of your crap marriage and with his hints he is taking advantage to wheedle you into an affair that will go nowhere, most likely.

Sorry to be harsh - I know it must great to have an awakening after feeling emotionally dead for so long, but please don't get involved with someone who is going to cause you so much agony. Also - do you know that your husband doesn't love you? It may just be that the passage of time and familiarity means he doesn't think he has to say so. If he knew you thought as you do then perhaps things would change? I'd explore that before chucking years down the drain. If it's over then it is, but be careful of what you might lose.

Does he have children?

One older child.

thanks for your advice Abedelia - I wouldnt say he exackly slagged off his wife - mostly it was just she liked certain things, then it would be that he didnt really - just sounded as if they were v different people with polar interest and likes. But in cintrast he seemed to like/be interested in everything that I was ...

I feel that if I am to end this probable fantasy then I need to tell him - its been so long now and its just awful and confusing the way things have gone. I cant seem to get it out of my mind. At least if I did tell him it would end all of this and get it out of my mind - what to me seems almost like playing games - we each seek out the other for talks. This would likely stop that- and Im desperate for that and to then focus on other things.

But how do I go about it ?