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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Casual relationships...are they ever 'healthy'?

44 replies

FlightHattendant · 01/09/2009 18:55

A man I know has come back from his travels, as he does sporadically, and very upfront has said he'd love just to come round whenever he is here, and be close physically (not sure how close exactly but that kind of idea) but is worried it would not be fair on me as he is away so much.

I said it wasn't so much the unfairness thing but that I always invest ehavily in relationships, emotionally I mean - and with the children around all the time it isn't likely there would be any time for physical intimacy.

We left it at that but he'll be round tomorrow to help me with some garden stuff and I am very attracted to him...the kids'll be here anyway but I'd like to figure out what I want from him and whether I could actually live happily with someone coming round every few months, uncommitted, etc etc.

I'll always be fond of him and fancy him. It's about whether anything happens I suppose, and I'm adamant it won't when the children are here because it's not fair for them to get attached to him as mum's boyfriend and then he buggers off. Ds1 was already upset that he didn't come here for months.

If anyone has a perspective and can talk me through it I'd be grateful. My usual criteria are all or nothing iyswim.

OP posts:

Original poster

FlightHattendant · 01/09/2009 20:53

thanks sorry to hear about your experiences.

I think what worries me most is that he might consider me stupid or naive for sleeping with him. I don't mind about anything else really as long as he dopesn't think that. Basically I crave his respect more than his body, and if sleeping with him made him respect me more, I'd do it, but somehow I think it will have the opposite effect, so I shan't.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2009 23:24

Flight, don't go for it, you will get yourself hurt and screw up the friendly relatinship you have with this man. He is being honest with you about what he wants but it's clear that you want more (whether with him or with someone else).
Oh and don't withold/promise sex in the hope of getting him to 'commit'. That's unethical when someone has clearly stated they do not want a committed relationship.

I don't think that a nice man would lose respect for you for having sex with him - but if you follow up the sex by starting to demand a committed relationship, weeping all over the place and texting him 100 times a day then it doesn't make you look good. Casual relationships are great for many people but, just like monogamous/serious ones, they don't suit everyone.

abedelia · 01/09/2009 23:55

Agree with SGB, and it sounds like it is already too late for you to say yes to this - you have already invested in him emotionally and are hoping that adding sex will bring what you want, even though he has stated that he wants it to remain casual.

Allowing yourself to have sex with him would be for the wrong reasons and you'll get hurt, as will your kids, because they like him too and want the same thing you do from him (commitment). Sorry, but don't go there - and for obvious reasons, stay off the wine when he is around and the two of you are alone together.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 02/09/2009 08:31

another vote not to do it. your too attached already.

FWB - personally these dont work as your friends and do the things friends do and it all gets confused and you loose a friend in the end. always ends badly

F*ck buddy - these work. your not friends. your not bf/gf. in my circle we class this a completely seperate relationship of its own. you are not friends. you dont do friends/relationship things like cinema,etc. the only contact you have is to arrange the next meet up. meet and leave. enjoying the time you are there. but every time could be the last with them.

flight attendant. this would be a FWB situation for you. not good. these always end in tears

BonsoirAnna · 02/09/2009 08:33

You'll end up feeling miserable if you let this man come round for a shag whenever he is free, but you can ask for nothing in return. Don't do it.

Original poster

FlightHattendant · 02/09/2009 08:51

yes, I can ask for nothing in return.

Well - he's a tricky one. I find it hard not to accept any physical intimacy offered b someone I am fond of, as it is in short supply. But I kind of need to keep in mind what I really want/need out of the whole thing, and that's just to know we are on good terms and like each other, in a real sense, nothing to do with sex or flirting.

Wish me luck, got to cut down trees with him today... he will be wearing shorts.

OP posts:

cheerfulvicky · 02/09/2009 08:57

at Flight... Nothing wrong with looking

abedelia · 02/09/2009 13:58

Why don't you tell him what you really think and really want from him? Ten to one, unfortunately he would back off like a shot. But it would solve your dilemma... Luckily he is probably wearing full length waterproofs today after all.

HelenaBonhamCarter · 02/09/2009 14:13

he hasn't turned up yet
I kind of said that to him last night, about what I wanted/didn't want, but he had better come and do this gardening or I shall be Cross!

Scrumplet · 03/09/2009 23:06

How did you get on, Flight? Did he come over? I can imagine being tempted too, in your shoes. The majority don't-do-it concensus on here is the way to go though, I think. Hope seeing him yesterday worked out OK.

HelenaBonhamCarter · 04/09/2009 07:49

Thanks Scrumplet. no, he hasn't been round yet, which is good as I am fully calm now and quite fed up that he didn't turn up, as in we waited in on my birthday, instead of going anywhere.

I just know that's what it'd be like - bad enough that we have to put up with it as tenants, but in a relationship, well lets just say I can see why he isn't with his wife any more. I expect she got annoyed with being let down. I don't think he is capable of reliability.

Oh well...! Thanks for asking x

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 04/09/2009 07:53

no no no. He wants to use you for a shag periodically and you think this is ok?

Kally · 04/09/2009 08:12

Yesterday I picke up an old diary I had looking for an old phone number. Guess what I found, the day to day logging of my ex fwb that I referred to earlier on in this post, and I thought of you! The funny thing is there was a post in there:

Waiting for X to come and fix my door, he said he'd be round today, hasn't turned up yet. Think it is due to me opening up yesterday about what this friendship means to me.. or what?

Then the pages are just consumed with whether or not I saw him, whther he came, whether we ended up getting it on or not, that rocky up and down inconsistent obsessive 'hoping' that never came to anything. It makes you feel very high, or very low, like you are a poor old thing waiting for scraps of his attention. I know it is hard to resist, but all it brings is frustration and heartache. Be strong. All the while you are not giving him 'it' you have some control about how it goes. DON'T... Go get focused on someone/something else. Take your mind off this guy, put him in proper perspective and stop dreaming and obsessing about him. Get someone else to do your trees, or do it yourself.

HelenaBonhamCarter · 04/09/2009 08:26

thanks Riv and Kally - that is so sad. I was likethat about ds1's dad, I just depended on him for everything emotionally. If he didn't call I would wait all day and cancel everything else

I'm not like that this time - we waited in because he was going to do the trees, and said he'd come round, not because I cared about seeing him in that way. I'm not really bothered like that, but I do tend to wait in for someone if we have an arrangement.
There's no way I'm that into him like I used to be with ex. He went abroad last autumn and I was fine, despite him trying his best to make me feel 'loved' before he went and a few dodgy text-message-automated phone calls after he went

Don't worry about me. I was wondering if it was something I could deal with seeing as I don't love him or care that much, but actually the only bit I'd want from a 'relationship' would be to believe I was loved by someone and that's the bit he isn't ofering! So I don't think it's going to happen.
Thankyou all for helping me see this clearly. I'm not fed up apart from the fact he keeps breaking arrangements - I have a thing about people being late!

HelenaBonhamCarter · 04/09/2009 08:28

I am off to buy my own axe

chainsaw schmainsaw

warthog · 04/09/2009 09:12

is it possible he didn't turn up when he realised he wasn't going to get a shag? or is that very uncharitable of me?

HelenaBonhamCarter · 04/09/2009 09:54

He knew he wouldn't have got one anyway as the kids are always here, but I see what you mean

I think he just is very lackadaisical about stuff like this. I've known a few people who just say 'yeah I'll come round on so and so day' and not bother till a week later. I do want my money (he owes me £400 which we discussed and he said he's bring a cheque) and Iw ant the logs gone before he buggers off again round the world. He wants them for his fireplace anyway.

Ho hum...not waiting in today! if he turns up he can get on with it himself. I've done a fair bit of shifting the ones already down anyway.

warthog · 04/09/2009 12:17

nah, sounds like a bit of a player to me. maybe something better came up.

you can DEF do better than this bloke!

warthog · 04/09/2009 12:18

btw, not to say that anything could be better than cutting up your logs... maybe he's a lazy git too.

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