Advice Needed: I am sorry but you invited me

[DutchGirly]

I really need some advice as I just had a hysterical MIL on the telephone apologising for some pretty outrageous behaviour last year with 'I am sorry that we upset you, but you invited us'.

Now somehow I feel I am made responsible for her bad behaviour because I invited her to meet her new granddaughter?

Now I was not 'allowed' to be 'nasty' to her as she is apparently on the verge on a mental breakdown as my ex and I split mostly because of the bad behaviour of his family to which he never protected me.

Personally I think she is a huge drama queen and incredibly neurotic but I would like some other input, mainly to put my own mind to rest.

i come up against this in all aspects of life and i think its down to the basics of respect or rather lack of it,it astounds me that things are so difficult in life because people just dont have the basic respect for others and the differances in lifestyles or culture,it is quite a worrying trend and i dont know the answers but am pretty sure that we all need to be respectful of others dutchgirl sad to hear your relatonship ended over this or should i say the bigger picture of this event,a positive if there can be one from this atleast your ex has started to question things now and well done to you for being the strong one

I had a houseguest once who came from a family with domestic staff. She was not able to get herself some breakfast even. She had been waited on hand and foot all her life, and as WE dont have servants, I became one. I have never in my life been held in such low esteem in my own home ever.

So, I would also like to know where your inlaws originate from.

DG, I agree with you totally, your DH should have put you and your new baby first. It sounds as if he is beginning to trealise that now, even though it may be too little too late.

I also do not think it at all trivial to want to enjoy your first weeks with your new baby. When ours were born, we allowed people to visit in hospital ( in those days we stayed in for five days after giving birth) but on=ce we came home, we told everybody that we wanted the first week or two to ourselves, to be a family. So I think you are perfectly justified to feel as you did when you came home.

I really hope things work out for you.

They do come from a country where they have domestic help and everything is basically done for them , however they are originally British, have travelled extensively etc so they should know better They have cleaned up in previous accomodation as otherwise they would lose the deposit etc so they are capable. They pride themselves on being a very close, loving family, however they have theathened to be thrown out of restaurants for being too loud etc.

Now I do think about it, I did stay with his sister and I really got on well with their domestic help. I remember making a cup of tea for the domestic help as I made one for myself and she said that was the first time anybody has done such a nice thing for her. I did not understand at the time why this was so important for her, I can now understand why such a simple gesture can be important, it is such a human thing to do.

Poor you. They might have forgotten what it is like to run a home without help. Has your dh grown up with servants? It might explain his attitude a little. Not excusing him, by any means.

I once said to my houseguest "woman such as yourself have it a lot easier than women in the uk, you dont need to worry about anything domestic, or anything related to running a home until you are in your fourties. You go from being a daughter in a house, to a daughter in law, first your mother is in charge, and then your mother in law until she is too old, and then you take over handling the staff."

It took her two days to respond, and her response went like this:

"But QS I dont believe we have it better than british women, you have no idea how hard it is to train staff! It can take years to train a servant properly, and just you imagine the frustration with mishaps such as ruined clothing and broken china along the way. You training an Au Pair is totally different to my mum teaching the illiterate daughter of a peasant how to clean linen and lace."

Sometimes the cultural differences, and not to mention the socio-economic ones, are hard to reconcile.

Even if they were originally British some people just take to the whole 'household staff' thing TOO well!!

My ex is absolutely brilliant in the household, cooks, cleans, laundry, changing nappies, gardening etc so I know it is possible to do these things, even if you do come from a country where things are done for you.

On holiday they did clean up after themselves at the farm, they also helped doing the dishes after a party so they do know how to do it, why etc and they CAN do it.

I mean cleaning is not exactly rocket science is it?

Also, surely its a matter of good manners? I live in a country where domestic help is commonplace, and most people would be happy to pitch in and do some work if the occasion demanded it - however some would not, and I put that down to individual bad manners, not to having domestic help available!!!!

They are from SA.

However I have many friends from the same country and they are not like that at all.

Quick update if anybody wants to know, apparently MIL is on verge of breakdown and it is all my fault.

You don't have to be her scapegoat.
Ignore.

It is not your fault!

Why did she phone you with her "none apology"?
Is it because your ex is mad with her & she fears losing him?
Is it because she wants contact with her granddaughter?

Is there any chance of you getting back with your ex & she was (not really) apologising just in case?

Is she back in SA?

I don't know.

Yeah, they are all abroad, thank god.
I only know cause ex told me, he speaks with them on the telephone as he wants answers.

Ex is really pissed off with his family, the rose tinted glasses are finally coming off I think and he sees them for what they actually are, extremely selfish and self-centred.

She is presumably using you as a nice convenient and handily absent excuse for histrionic behaviour.

DG, so sorry you have had to put up with all of this crap!

First off, NONE of it is your fault. These people invaded your home and used it like a hostel with no respect at all for you or your stuff. I am amazed you let them stay as long as you did, and can only imagine it's because the hormones were keeping you in a less strong state than normal.

Talking of which, hormones would have added to the feeling of brokenness - especially on day 5. Day 5 for me was my breakdown day, despite nothing being really wrong - I just cried for most of it (I think that's a kind of shock release after the birth)

Your MIL and family are the most selfish people - and now they want to make you feel guilty for her oh-so-fragile state of mind? Come off it, the woman is having a hissy fit.

You and your ex - is the split irreconcilable? If he agrees never to let his family come before you and DD ever again, is there any room for getting back together? You said a lot of positive things about him - so long as he can grow a spine and a pair of balls to stand up to his morons family, that is.

If it's irreconcilable, then definitely do what Dittany said - she's nothing to do with you now.