Does anyone else's mother use the telephone as a weapon?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I didn't ring my mother while I was on holiday. I rang her when I got back and she was so huffy:

"Oh you're back are you? Well I hope you had a nice time. I was so worried about you as I hadn't heard from you. I told your Aunt Rachel and she rang me every day to see if you'd called, and I had to say that you hadn't, and she said how inconsiderate you were. I was worried that something had happened to you or the children."

I said we didn't ring anyone while we were away. We wouldn't ring if we were overseas, so why should we ring her just because we were in UK? And if she was that worried then she could have rung my mobile.

"Why would I ring your mobile? You know how expensive that is for me."

She is like this all the time. If I don't call her, she won't ring me, just gets really arsey and "Oh I thought something had happened to you or that one of the children were in hospital."

She is exactly the same with her brothers - she hasn't spoken to one of them for a year - moans that "he never rings me" and says "why should I?" when I suggest that she might ring him. (I do suspect that he might not actually want to speak to her, as the last time she saw him, at my Gran's funeral, she said to him "I expect the next time I see you, you'll be in your box.")

My mother can be passive aggressive at times. She hates overt conflict and she subconsciously attempts to camouflage any disagreement she has with passive aggressive behaviour. It can be very trying, but I now try not to react, and to analyse what is really bothering her and to try to see whether she has a point (sometimes she is quite right to be angry, just wrong in how she addresses problems).

FWIW, although my parents don't expect me to ring when I am on holiday, I now do and my mother is always glad to hear from us. And we take photos on the telephone on holiday and email them to her, so that she gets news.

People can get quite lonely and sad as they age, and I think as children that we need to remember that and give them more news, not less, as time goes by

a phonecall takes nothing
you are all being hysterical and then trying to blame it on your mothers!

no wonder the daily mail are so interested

I dont have a mum but my nan who is old and cantankerous and has vile names for my dc goes mad if i dont fone her and actually 'times' the call!! yet if she fones me will say just a quick call and is on 2 minutes.

My mum's not that bad but I get the whole guilt trip thing - when I phone she usually says something like "oh I hadn't heard from you for a while, I wondered if anything was wrong?"

I then get all defensive and point out to her that telephones work 2 ways and she can always call me.

"Oh yes" she says, but you're so busy and often out so it's easier to wait for you to call me."

I am at home alone with 3 young children as DH is often away. Where else does she think I'm going to be after 7 pm?

FioFio

Again I would have to disagree with you. Using the line, "you are all being hysterical and then trying to blame it on your mothers" shows a lack of understanding and downplays the problem. Its not so much about caring as about control. Many of the mothers featured on this particular thread could be seen as passive aggressive

(FWIW my MIL telephones her sister for exactly one hour each day primarily because her call is free and it makes her look good!).

I once had this conversation with my mother:

mother (very irate): My so-called brother didn't call me for three and a half years!

me: How many times did you call him?

mother: Everyone knows that I don't make phone calls.

.......for my mother the perfect friend is someone who is willing to do all the calling without ever receiving a call in return. Needless to say, she doesn't have any friends.

My parents totally expect me to do all the running with phone calls and get quite narky when I don't ring for a few weeks.
If I ring my Dad (he never rings me) I get..."it's been 4 weeks and 3 days since you rang last". So I point out, it's also the same time since he spoke to me!

My Mum will never usually rng me either, and has been known on occasion to say "oh, why have you rung up, is it for a chat?".
Whereas my dearsis1 is stuck with a weekly phone call with my Dad, hour long listening to him go through a prepared list of things he has to tell her. Dsis2 very rarely calls them, just emails me & get interrogated what DSis2 is up - every move is supposed to be reported.

No answer - just sympathy, you can't win!

you are allowed to disagree with me attila I do not have a lack of understanding either as my Mother is EXACTLY the same but my life is made easier by simply phoning her, talking about what i am having for tea for 10 minutes and not stressing about it all

FioFio - I sympathise with that course of action .

lol anna. i put the kids on the phone aswell and ten minutes is easily filled up

Absolutely. It's so low cost for me/us and such high impact the other end that it's a no-brainer really - win-win all round!