finally made my decision to leave but nervous as hell!!!

[stillcryinginside]

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time coming but was inevitable I guess. I feel I've made the right choice but to say I'm shitting myself would be an understatement :-/

Basic history: been together for over 20 years, rocky early start due to my insecurities and bad relationship choices. General up's & downs but a relatively happy marriage. Discovered h was sneaking off to meet O/W a few years ago. Tried relate but h didn't want to talk about it. Tried over and over again to try to sort things out and move on but everythings just like a vicious cycle.

He doesn't help around the house much and is pretty lazy to say the least. Things came to a head really the past few days when I realised no matter what I did things would never change and I'd never have my needs met in this relationship.

I was really poorly a few weeks ago and bedridden for a few days & h really pulled his finger out. He did the washing, fed everyone and generally kept things in something of an order. Not perfect but hell who is lol. It doesn't sound a lot but for him it's just not known so is a biggy to me :-)

Anyway, as soon as I was back on my feet everything just went back to normal, he went back to sitting around on his arse or mooching around doing f'all and pretty much ignoring all my requests for help or assistance.

So basically I've had enough, I can't keep going down the same road hoping for different answers / solutions when I know it's always going to be the same and I can no longer accept him for the way he is.

I feel like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders by finally realising what I need to do but I'm still crapping it. I do feel sorry that it's come to this and feel like a failure but I just can't do any more than I have already. I've tried with all my heart & soul to make it work for the sake of the dc more than anything but I need to do whats rigt for me now or I feel I'm not being a good role model for them.

Theres so much to sort out and I know it will likely be months before I can actually leave and worst still I can't say anything to him as it will cause even bigger problems. He's not going to take it well and tbh I don't think he's ever believed that I would actually leave. I'm trying to think of important things I need to do now. I've got a box together for important docs I'll need and now I have to figure a way where I can put some money away so he won't notice!

I run my own business from home at the mo so I need to try to wind it down a bit without him getting suspicious and I know theres no way on earth he will let me take anything when I do go so need to try to get some bits & pieces somewhere safe that he doesn't know about. It all feels tather daunting and a bit of a nightmare at the mo but I need to keep focusing on the fact that in the end it can't be any worse than things are now ....... I hope!!

Although i agree that you should make plans to leave and get the life you want. It is a bit unfair to sneak around hiding things from him. Isnt this the same as him sneaking around behind your back to meet ow.

I dont doubt your need to escape him - the last thing you want is to be forced to stay together (as my parents are now that my mum is ill and my dad is her carer), but i think you should be as open and honest as possible.

Anyway good luck with your new life.

Sorry you've had to come to such a sad decision (although it sounds like the right one) but it sounds like it will make you much happier in the long term. Have you got family / close friends who can support you in RL and help with practicalities? Don't forget CAB might be able to give you advice on money / property etc.

Happy Women, h has been violent to me in the past and I don't want to run the risk of this happening again by telling him I'm leaving. He's quite a controlling person, doesn't like me having friends, wants to read my txts, mail etc and will constantlt ask what I'm doing/talking to etc. I cope and have had to put up with this for an easy life but I know this is down to his insecurities now and the fact that he managed to sneak around for months phoning/txting/emailing/seeing OW because I was so trusting and didn't for one second believe it was something he would ever do.

I have tried several times in the past to tell him that if things don't improve then I would leave but he has just told me to stop talking so stupid or promised time and time again to change but never has.

I'm not just going to flee the home unless that becomes absolutely neccessary, I will tell him I'm leaving when everything is in place but if I told him now I don't honestly feel it would be a good thing or just how he will react (if he actually believed I mean't it)

I don't like the fact that I have to be sneaky with this and I don't know if I've got it in me to be able to not get caught out but it's something I know is for the best.

Meglet, I do thankfully have friends/family that will help & support me although I don't really want to put too much on them as I don't want them caught up in my secrecy/lies tbh.

I've never had to claim benefits other than tax credits/CB for many many years and don't really know the in's and out's of all that so is something I will have to look into asap but that will be difficult in itself as h always says he will take me if I say I need to go somewhere unless it's to see go round to daughters for coffee & a chat so thats where I'll have to say I'm going but not something I really like to do :-(

Contact Women's Aid if he has been violent and you think he might do it again. They can give you lots of advice and support. For instance, your craft stuff is your property, and if necessary two hefty coppers can come to the house and stand there while you pack it so H can neither beat you up nor trash your belongings (Of course if you have hefty friends they could do the same, but coppers can actually cosh the fucker over the head and stick him in the cells if he acts up.)

Thanks SGB,

didn't want to sound melodramatic, but there is a possibilty he would trash my stuff out of spite / anger thats why I need to try to whittle it down and just hope he doesn't notice I'm not buying new stock!

I have told him I feel taken for granted and feel theres a lot of pressure on me since the business took off as I'm now the main bread winner and covering the majority of payments/rent etc. He potters about most of the time pretending he's busy and wont get a full time job because he says our TC will suffer and we'll be worse off!!

I'm really hoping it doesn't come to having to call the police in as I really don't want a scene or the neighbours knowing my business I really like to keep myself to myself and theres only a small minority of trusted people that really know whats been going on for years.

I have spoken to WA in the past and they where very helpful but I didn't feel it was the right thing at the time to move out with the dc into a refuge. I have accepted that I will lose everything when I leave but they can all be bought again eventually and at least I'll have my sanity and my feeling of freedom back.

well i went to a refuge...with 4 kids and not alot else!! worked out fine....and yes,bought everything back again eventually!! i'm 5 years down the line now.....never happier

If you are the main income earner in the house, whose name is the house in? You can actually have him removed from the house, particularly if there is a record of previous violence. Remember that the house is the DC's home and they and you have a right to live in it without a violent person being there and intimidating or abusing you all.I know that everyone's circumstances are different and it is never easy to end a relationship, even an utterly poisonous one, but I do sometimes think it would be good to see more abuse victims staying in their homes and more abusers being thrown out or indeed locked up.

SGB, the house is in joint names, we have a long term tenancy inplace which can be terminated if 12 months notice is given. This is something that concerns me if/when I do leave as I'm sure I will still be liable for half of the rent for the 12 months after I do leave but I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and trying not to worry about that too much right now.

Tbh I feel the dc & I need a new start away from the home, we have been here for over 6 years now and still have many jobs that need to be started or completed that h can't be bothered or is too lazy to do and I either can't physically manage or afford to have someone in to so them. The tenancy we have is a business tenancy so unlike other homes our landlord is not liable for any repairs etc and all repairs, improvements, general jobs are our responsibility.

I have spoken to the dc about it all today and discussed the posibility of going to a refuge and how they would feel about it. They're not babies and all old enough to understand whats happening but not sure they can take the full consequences in? They do seem to be rather concerned about what they will be able to take with them and what they'll have to leave behind. Our dog seems to be the major concern at the moment for them and I can understand that as I'm really unhappy to have to leave the dog too. I know it sounds stupid but she is part of the family :-(

ILT,

Please don't think I'm prying but if you could give me any insight or advice regardign your time in the refuge I would be really grateful. How long do you have to stay there etc. I would be taking 4 dc too so worry that it might be too much for them to handle and I feel even shitter than I do now if they started moaning that they didn't like it :-(

Does that make sense?

SCI go back to Women's Aid and ask them to recommend a solicitor, ask the solicitor for advice on your specific situation. It is possible to throw an abuser out of the house rather than having to flee yourself. It is also possible to move house (given that it sounds as though you are the main income earner) ie end the tenancy where you are now and rent another home for yourself and the DC.
Get yourself some legal advice and advice on your housing options. You might also find it helpful to read Moll Flounders' thread about leaving an abusive arsehole. It is a long thread but her progress from frightened and bewildered to free-from-arsehole status is inspiring.

Thanks SGB,

I'll read through that thread when I get some proper time, I'm having to flick on/off at the mo to hide what I'm doing.

Well, I bit the bullet last night and tried once again to talk to him about things. He really pisses me off cos he gets so defensive and clams up whenever I try to discuss important issues like this with him. I'm constantly having to ask if he heard me/what he's thinking etc. He just sits there staring into space or at the tv even if I've switched it off/turned sound off etc.

He finally said that he just doesn't like to talk about anything regarding us spliting up and I asked him to be really honest with himself, look at how our relationship has been and does he honestly want it to be like that for the next 20+ years.

He said no and he likes nothing more than when we're loving/happy together. But thats not what it's like and he doesn't seem able/willing to put the effort in to make it like that, it's not just going to fucking happen!!

I mentioned about the OW and that I was over that and can't change whats happened but if the work isn't put in to really move forward to make us stronger and give me the belief that it's unlikely to happen again if things are right between us then it's always going to hold us back. He just shook his head and said I was being stupid again. I then said there isn;t someone else is there? He again shook his head, went silent, then said don't talk rubbish!!

I'm now wondering if there is and I hit a nerve, it's not like he gets much chance to do anything, but I know from previous experience a lot of time is not needed and they will find it if they have to. He starting going on then about what makes him happy and it was all just about him, doing things alone not including me or the dc and then asked me what I have in my life that I enjoy. Well, I don't get much time to be selfish!! but I do enjoy my job and love spending time with the dc. He just kept saying but what about something just for you not including anyone else? how the fuck am I mean't to manage that when he questions everything and everywhere I want to go and tries to keep my at home with him all the time or comes with me??

Anyway, things went quiet and I wondered if I was just wasting my time/effort again and going to get nowhere as usuall so left it at that and just waited to see if there was anything else he wanted to say/talk about but he just went back to watching tv, went for a pee then went to bed so I said nothing further.

He's just nipped into town now for something he says he needs and on the way out said he might go and get a hair cut while he's out< I just don't know what to think anymore, if there is someone else I guess my decision to leave is definiately the right one but I just wish he'd be honest about it and stop trying to control me and tell me that he wants us to be together, he can't have it all ways. I actually wonder if it's not with me he wants to be but just doesn't want to leave the home so will try to keep me dangling and he knows with me around he can piss around behind my back, have a relatively easy life, do as he generally pleases while I'm working my arse off to pay all the bills/rent etc