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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Panicking that DP is planning to leave....don't know what to do.

40 replies

PleaseMrsButler · 27/08/2009 17:13

A few weeks ago DP and I had a heart to heart about him being stuck in a rut, bored with his life....we both agreed to make changes which we are doing.

He promised he still wants me. He promised it isn't me he wants to change.

Today I find rightmove links on our internet history (I monitor beause of DDs). I know that he goes on occassionally if he wants to be nosey about a local for sale board. But here he was looking at quite a lot of local properties...and the vast majority were for rent (he wouldn't get a mortgage on his own).

Is there any other way to read this other than the fact that he is packing his bags proverbally speaking

OP posts:

BubbaAndBump · 30/08/2009 07:32

Sorry if this sounds harsh - but he is being an arse ~ he's making YOU feel crap about yourself which is clearly working. He's the one with doubts about things (and it really won't be just because of a few grey hairs and lack of tea - they are just red herrings to hide his true feelings). I know it's very hard, but you have to be positive about yourself (for your own sake as well as your DDs). His putting you down is just shit and is possibly a way (subconscious possibly on his part) of getting you to a point where you give up on the two of you and throw him out - then you'll have 'made' that decision and it'd be a hell of a lot easier for him.

Why don't you take the DDs off to the seaside or something for today and tomorrow, and tell him to sort himself out (dare I say, one way or the other) by the time you get back tomorrow evening? It may be the hardest thing you do, but at the moment none of you in the family is happy and he seems hell bent on making you feel worse.

Big hugs to you

Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 30/08/2009 07:44

I just don't know whether to fight or give up....

I don't want to give up but is it pointless fighting...I don't know....

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BubbaAndBump · 30/08/2009 08:06

I just think you need time away from each other and you need to remember the good things about each other (and about yourself). He's not being nice to you (to put it mildly) so something's got to change (and it can't just come from you)

ScaredOfCows · 30/08/2009 08:27

I wonder if, as you say he is not great at opening up and talking, his comments about the tea and your appearance are his way of describing the symptoms, rather than the deeper issues.

WRT the tea, perhaps he is really saying that he would like more evidence of you caring for him/thinking of him? Perhaps making him tea, getting him a few treats, showing you are considering him in different or more spontaneous ways might reassure him? Do you go out together as a couple often? Maybe you could arrange a babysitter and go for a meal or a walk together somewhere this weekend?

WRT his comments on your appearance. Maybe the same issues - perhaps he would like a return to you and he being younger, having fun, not being ground down by domesticity?

Only a few thoughts, probably way off the mark, but these are what jumped into my head as I read your posts.

Ironwilledmama · 30/08/2009 09:21

I know how difficult this must be but can you try and stay calm and appear as strong and confident as you can. I think your dp is projecting his issues on to you and as long as you allow that and take them on board he will keep coming up with reasons he isn't happy.
'He promised it isn't me he wants to change'
But you don't make him tea anymore and you have abit of grey, talk about clutching at straws.Sounds like hes thinking the grass will be greener,it won't. So you need to believe that and believe in yourself and let him see a strong woman who knows she's not to blame for another persons unhappiness.

How old is he because it sounds like classic mid life crisis(don't tell him this he won't believe it and will use it as a reason to be unhappy with you)

Do as much reading as you can, good website, Fortysixty, look at the blogs and the discussion forum, you'll be amazed at the similarities of what all these men/women say to their partners, its like reading from a script. They will tell you on there, the more you try to change yourself, the more you cry, the more you talk about the relationship the more reasons your partner will come up with to leave. So although you don't feel like it (act if you must) to show even if he is dis-satisfied with aspects of you and your life that doesn't mean its true. And most importantly realise and believe this isn't about you, you could change every aspect of yourself and it wouldn't make any difference because it's about him.

Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 30/08/2009 09:35

Thanks - we have talked about deeper issues...and I know that the grey and the tea are surface issues. TBH we talked about appearance/grey 3 weeks ago - which obviously was about him trying to talk but not opening up deep enough - which he did a couple of days ago.

He is 38...so yes I am certainly thinking Mid life crisis.

I just wish he would consider ADs...so we could at least try abd make this work when he is in a place where he wants to make this right....which I really don't think he is ATM.

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zookeeper · 30/08/2009 09:40

Is he seeing someone else do you think? IME men don't talk about leaving unless there is someone waiting in the wings.

Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 30/08/2009 15:42

90% sure he is not seeing someone else.

He is definately not having a physical relationship with anyone as he has had no opportunity to see anyone face to face.

Can't be 100% sure that there isn't a text relationshiop developing but I don't think it is likely.

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Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 30/08/2009 15:43

I have told him quite clearly that he is free to go. I won't fight it any more.

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BubbaAndBump · 30/08/2009 17:10

How are you feeling? Can you get away for a couple of days?

Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 30/08/2009 17:50

Have told a friend via text. I may be able to get out for a couple of hours after DTDs have gone to bed tomorrow.

I really can't leave the DDs with him. He is really short tempered ATM and taking it out on them for the slighttest thing. I can protect them whilst I am here, I can do nothing when I am not.

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BubbaAndBump · 31/08/2009 18:39

Are you there? Have you made any decisions?

Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 31/08/2009 19:58

I am still here.

We had another long talk last night.

He wants to make changes and see how we go. He was sincere. TBH he was much much more relaxed with DDs yesterday afternoon after I told him I wasn't going to fight and I thought that was because I had given him my blessing to go IYSWIM. But no. He dropped - what felt like a bombshell at the time, given that I had resigned myself to losing him - the fact that he does want to try.

I am still very much in termoil. I am pleased that he is not going - obviously. But even with the "improvements" we discuussed last night I am not sure that is enough to fix the problems he has been describing. I am also concerned that he has been looking at 4 bedroom houses today. He tells me that a new start in a bigger house with room for us all to hae our own space is why he is thinking of it....now I still can't relax because in my head I think that this reaction has a number of possible scenario's behind it.

We do need more space
I caught him on a estate agents website this morning - he was really looking at rentals/whatever (which I have no evidence to support...it is just an argument for this scenario) and when I caught him he quickly flicked to 4 bed houses as a cover story
He is looking for a 4 bedroom house for him and an undisclosed fancy woman blah blah blah...
This is a kneejerk reaction to give him something to plan/think about and cover up everything else that is going on in his head (and that this problem will just reappear in a couple of years when new house is no longer new).

Now actually I do think that option 1 and/or 4 are most likely as I think he could definately have closed the browser quicker when I walked in this morning rather than doing a new search for 4 bed family houses IYSWIM. And I don't think it is option 3 as I genuinely don't think there is anyone else involved. But I can't help but wonder.

I am NOT planning on going through with new house - at least not for a few months as I am very worried about the timing of it. It was only4 days ago that he was trying to convince me to let him leave.

Anyways...short answer, I am still here. He is still here. He appears to be sincere when he says he still wants to be here. I am trying to be cautiously optimistic rather than full of false hope. but it is ATM one day at a time...

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Original poster

PleaseMrsButler · 31/08/2009 20:00

Oh and I want to thank everyone on this thread for their support, understanding and kind words. This is the first time in 3 years on MN that I have had to call on such support and it really has touched me.

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CarGirl · 31/08/2009 21:55

Can you persuade him to go to Relate, because YOU need their help to understand him?

He does seem to have the classic "stay at home parent" feeling undervalued, trapped, unappreciated, end of summer holiday can't take much more type issues?

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