young..pregnant..but happy?

[chelsirenae]

Alright so, i'm wondering if anyone has dealt with the situation i have.
I am a few months shy of 18, and my long term boyfriend (who just turned 21) and I just found out we were pregnant.
I am aware 1.) i'm quite young, 2.)he is quite a bit older then me, and 3.) most people look down on me for not being sure if we will keep it or go through adoption, but that's not why i'm posting a thread.

So before we found out... things weren't always the greatest with us.
We fought a lot from how different we both are, have gotten in a few push fights, done some awful things behind eachother's backs, and have said some pretty awful things to eachother.
We have both discussed that we never wanted children as well.
And that i would most likely get an abortion if it came down to it.
But then...after weeks of being sicker then a dog, we find out i'm pregnant.
Of course we're scared, but it's nothing that we can't face.
Well what i'm curious about it, after we found out i was pregnant, he has been nothing but the nicest guy i have ever met.
He took care of me when i was sick, has been running out to the store for me at all hours of the night to get whatever my craving was.
He is nothing but sweet and understanding when my horomones get the best of me
and has told me that he has decided that he needs to grow up and be the best he can be for our relationship.
At first i thought he was just doing it so i would ease into an abortion more... but then he even expressed that an abortion was not an option, as was the way i was starting to feel about it(is it normal to be excited about being pregnant no matter how sh!itty your situation is?)
What i'm wondering is, has anybody had this happen?
To have a crappy relationship, but all the sudden when you become pregnant everything turns around?
And have it be...well...legit?
Not just something behind it?

I know for the moment he is being completely genuine...but i can't help but try to be sensible and analyze it to death while thinking that maybe something sketchy is behind it, you know?

Any suggestions??

You do sound your age. I'm older than you and I remember being that age and thinking that my BF was great, and that his actions didn't matter or count becuase his intentions were so good.

We grew out of each other, as most 17 year olds do.

There's no way of telling if your BF is one of the ones who will be transformed by the responsibility of parenthood, or one of the ones who struggles with the reality and ends up walking away.

Bottom line is, take care of yourself at all times. He isn't your best friend - you are. Have a 'worst case scenario' plan in case it doesn't work out.

It may all be brilliant but equally you may join the ranks of mums whose partners couldn't hack it.

Good luck.

I think people are being a bit harsh dismissing this guy as a loser who will never amount to anything etc etc. He's only 21. A huge amount of 21 year olds are a bit useless, not that driven to get a job and haven't acheived much (I definitely was). It doesn't mean its a blueprint for the rest of their lives. I wonder if people are applying a standard of behaviour you would expect from a man in their 30s, while a baby might be the thing that drives him to make something of himself.

OP, I think the best thing that you can do for yourself and your baby is to make a plan of how you and the baby are going to cope. You've spoken to your college and hopefully they will help you explore options for continuing education during and after the pregnancy, including childcare and so on. If you have a plan in place of how you will cope it will actually take a large amount of the pressure of your relationship with your partner, hopefully he will rise to the challenge and be supportive, but if he doesn't you aren't dependent on him, so you can assess the relationship and decide what you want. Either he's someone you want to be with, someone you don't need in your life, or even someone who you are happy to have involved in your child's life and upbringing, but not necessarily someone you want to be with in a romantic way. All of those decisions are absolutely OK, and only you will be able to work out which one is right for you, but it will be 100 times easier to make that judgement if you aren't dependent on him for financial support or housing, or have rushed into getting married for the sake of the baby (I know you're not saying that, but many people do). You don't need to decide now either.

You sound like you are strong, and that you're thinking this all through carefully which is great. I think you're absolutely right to involve him as much as you are comfortable with, just make sure you always can look after the baby and yourself first.

Hope it all goes really well for you

Hello chelsirenae

I'm 18, too, and pregnant with my first. My DP is 15 years older than me, and although we have had a few ups and downs - mainly due to both our illnesses and the whole "Oh shit we're having a baby!" thing - we're very close, and very optimistic for the future. I'm going to be living with my parents and younger brother when the baby is born, because my DP's flat is simply too small for three of us, and he can't sell right now because of the credit crunch. We're hoping to get a place together next year.

If things with your partner right now are good, ride them out. Support him in continuing down the path of positive changes he has started making to help his child. It is a total wake up call for any relationship - my DP and I had only been together a few weeks when I found out we were expecting, and although I was happy with being in a relationship with him then, obviously I wasn't thinking "This is the guy I'm going to settle down, have kids, and make my life with". Give things a chance.

Your age, in retrospect, has very little to do with if you are going to be a good parent. Fifty years or so ago, you'd be expected to have been settled down for a while, with your second or third on the way, at our age!!

It is difficult dealing with people's reactions, but stay strong. You're not alone, and you're looking at this all in a very good way. Find out if your area has a local teenage midwife - seeing mine instead of a normal midwife has been a God-send, as have the teen antenatal classes

I really hope everything works out for you. Stay in touch

You sound great, intelligent and articulate, aware of the pitfalls and not too proud or headstrong to post it all here for discussion. I think you will need for your guy to be more of a support to you than you expect to need, though, when the baby is born. Self-sufficiency seems to be your strong point, and you have your head screwed on regarding continuing your education and making the most of your talents. But you seem to be the main cheerleader and pr person for your man, and you really will not (imo) have the energy to be his everything once the baby is born and you have college to deal with too. In fact, with hormones and tiredness, you may find yourself getting more and more frustrated with him if he doesn't get his act together fast. Apart from the desire to actually have the baby, has he said anything to you about any problems he himself has envisioned, whether practical or emotional, or made any plans of his own accord about jobs, etc. without you bringing up the subject? Are you getting the feeling that you are taking the lead in all of this?

(waves to ErikaMaye )

You've had loads of brilliant advice here and I can't add much. All I would say is that having a baby can challenge the strongest relationship. No couple is immune, it's just one of those things, a downside if you will. Having a baby - and by that I mean actually having it around, not expecting it - puts a strain on the relationship between the parents. Sleep deprivation, no personal space, unsettled routines and not being able to do anything you want to do... well, it would try even the saintliest person.

Only time will tell whether your BF will step up to the plate and be really helpful and supportive. You just have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may not be much use, it could happen that way. And make sure you have a good support system in place so that you are not left holding the baby, literally and figuratively, if he proves to be less mature than you.
Good luck
x

waves back to Vicky Hello there!

How are things going now, chelsirenae?

I think you have to rule out adoption as an option. If you are saying abortion is not an option for you then I think it's very unlikely you will be able to go through 40 weeks of pregnancy, give birth to an adorable baby and then give it away.

Besides the adoption process doesn't really work like that - if you told social workers that you wanted the child adopted they are far more likely to work with you to help you keep and raise it.

The statistics are not on your side - the chances of you ending up a single mother are pretty high.

The question you need to be asking yourself is 'can I do this alone' - because (sorry to say) that's probably the way it will end up.