am in such a mess

[candlewick]

what do you do if your dh loves you so much that he smothers you, is practically obsessed by you but you no longer feel the same? I been with my dh since i was 18 am now 42. He works away a lot but when he is home he wants to be with me constantly, comes clothes shopping with me, spoils me, but i get texts if im ten mins late from work, he tells me what shampoo to use, likes other men looking at me but he does really love me says im his life.
We have 2 dcs 14 and 16 but i bt them up a lot on my own.
The trouble is i have fallen hopelessly in love with another man. He is not married but was with someone 20 years bt no longer. I have tried to fight it so has he. He went away for 3 months to work give me space,I booked romantic holidays for me and dh but I cannot get this other man out of my mind. He wants me to be with him marry me we hav talked and talked. He tells me what Ive got to lose is he worth it and should he go away again for me to make mmy marriage work?
I have tried and tried but just dont feel the same abt dh anymore. I love him and care abt him but not the same. I think abt this man from morning til night if i had no kids I wd be gone tomorrow, I have given this so much thought.
It wd be awful but i cant go on like this. I dont want an affair. I feel like i shd leave our home but cant leave the children. They used to being without their dad but it wd be awful. I also cant get dh to move out because that wd be awful.
I love this man there is no dbt but what on earth do i do? He said he'll wait for me til kids get older but i cant live a lie.

[mustrunmore]

It doesnt need to happen quickly. If it happens it happens, its meant to be. If you both want it to, it wont hurt to wait till the younger one has done exams, its just a waiting game. And you're right, you cant be with someone just from kindness or pity or because they send you flowers. But this will be a good chance to see why you are together and if anything can be salvaged,and see if time fades and heals with the other man. As long as you're prepared for it to really hurt at first, you can then look at it more objectively. Just remember that even the ending of films can fill you with sadness, and make sure your feelings for the other man arent just like this.

[candlewick]

You are so right everything you say makes such sense. It does hurt badly i feel heartbroken to be honest. I just cant see a way out. If I did leave dh I just think of all the upheaval in the childrens lives. How could I ask dh to leave when this is his home he has had for 20 years and he has put his all into it. If I had no dcs I would leave and I wouldnt look back but they also love their home so do i move out and take them with me? I just dont know. Poor dh is totally oblivious to this, he knows I am distant. I am a rubbish wife and mother at the moment am trying to shake myself out of it but am in a dream. It would break him if i left him but i cant live a lie.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I'm not surprised you have had enough of your DH. He sounds controlling and stifling. Put it this way - would you be able to stay with him if he lost his job and had to work near home?

That's slightly separate from the issue of your OM though. Maybe you do love him, who knows, but it's very tempting to look elsewhere when you aren't happy in your marriage.

IMO you should probably be alone for a while. It shouldb't be a choice between one or the other. If OM really loves you he will wait 6-12 months for you to be on your own. But you probably won't will you? If you leave you will move right in with OM. That would be amistake.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

You may have seen my posts a few months ago when I felt like I was in love with an ex and saying I would be with him now if I could. I started seizing on every tiny thing my DH did that I could use to justify me wanting to be with another man. I never stopped loving my DH and I think now I wanted the fairytale of being back with my first love.

I had a real chance to meet up with him but I decided not to and I am so glad I didn't and I no longer talk to him.

I have my fairytale right here in my husband.

I think you need to have some time with no man to see how you really feel and be sure you are not looking for bad things in your husband to justify going off with this other man.

[candlewick]

yes I know what you mean about looking for bad things in dh. I would hate to devastate my family. How selfish. Feel like I just want to hibernate for 6 months and not see anyone at all. My dh is away at the moment home in a couple of days and am dreading it. Feel so guilty having strong feelings for someone else. Even though he is controlling he does really love me and i can depend on him. He is very different to me, he is quiet and steady. I am more open and outgoing. When we go abroad I love meeting other people. He doesn't says that its time to spend together.
I am dreading him coming home truly. The thing is I probably wouldnt leave him if not for om life isn't too bad and he is away half the time at least. Just feel that how do you stay married if you are thinking of some one else. And om and me may not be right together in the end and I would have devestated my kids lives for nothing surely. All i think is that time will tell in the meantime i feel so sad its awful.

[mustrunmore]

The logical but very very bad solution would be stay with the family life but see om for your own happiness when dh away
Like I said, there's really no rush to decide what to do. It might well be grass is greener etc. But you really do have to leave for yourself, not for someone else, if you do decide to go. Not least because if it all goes wrong with other man, you're back to square one then.

[candlewick]

I know i dont really want to have an affair. That is awful. om is going away soon for a few weeks which is good. I have seen him around and he has said that he would wait for my dcs to leave school. He loves me so much.
Poor dh though I feel so sorry for him as it is not his fault i have strong feelings for some one else and they are so strong. Can you split up a family just because you love someone else and would I ever have the guts to do it? I really am unhappy feel guilty and sad but am going to try and snap myself out of it. They will both be away soon which is good as i just feel like being alone. I must have been stupid to allow these feelings to develop, but too late, they have.