Hello, I've never posted here before and was directed here by a friend who's a regular visitor.
I'm not really sure where to start or what I'm expecting but I'll try to give as much honest & open information as I can
I've been with my dh for over 20 yr married for 15 and 5 beautiful dc but I feel something is seriously missing in my life.
I do love & care for my dh but I'm not sure if I'm 'in love' with him anymore?. I have suffered from depression for many yrs
which is controlled with meds but sometimes I still get really down.
I've tried so many times to discuss this with dh, unsuccessfully I'm afraid, and tried to tell him that things get
on top of me and then I get really upset and feel that everything is out of my control. We're very different in our ways.
I was quite fiesty and would stand up for myself in the earlier yrs but it seemed to cause many rows and dh said I
needed to change my ways if I wanted things to improve. I did, and now I'm very laid back about stuff and don't like
to row if it can be avoided.
If I need him to do something I'll ask then wait a few days before reminding him but it just goes on for months on end
at times before it gets done or not at all. I've tried to be more assertive but that doesn't get me anywhere either.
If anyone asks me to go out or do anything with them I'll always check with dh first to ensure it doesn't clash or
interfere with any plans he has that I'm not aware of. Where as, dh does as he pleases without running anything past me.
We've recently heard that our close friends are emigrating and during a discussion I said it would be nice to retire
somewhere possibly in Europe when all the dc have grown & left home but it's not something he would consider. It's not
a big issue but it just got me wondering what had happened to us. We used to both want the same things in life but
it now feels we both want totally different. It isn't just the emigrating thing theres so much more that I don't want to
bore you with.
We have our up's & downs but it feels like the downs are longer and more frequent and the up's are quickly knocked
down again. He's quite a lazy person and doesn't help much (if at all) around the house unless we have planned guests
then he will help at the last moment because he can see I'm getting stressed about it all.
Each time I attempt to talk to him to try to sort things out and get things off my chest, he either blames it on
my depression or promises to make changes but never follows through with them. I don't want to throw 20 yrs away
but I just feel so trapped in a marriage thats more like a houseshare. Romance is something way in the past and sex
is very rarely shared but is fine when it is. I have no interest in anyone else or wish to go through the palaver
of starting over again with another man, I feel too old for all that and tbh wouldn't feel comfortable or brave
enough for that.
He says he loves me and would never want us to split, but the words just don't match his actions. He will jump for
a family member or friend if they ask him for anything, yet me, his wife can wait for weeks, months, yrs before he
gets around to doing something I've asked for. I just don't feel like I'm important at all. I'm not asking for the moon,
it's just general jobs around the home: replacing a broken tap, finishing off the fireplace he started to build over
2 yrs ago, stuff like that. Yes, I could attempt it myself or get someone in to do it, but A: I shouldn't have to and
B: I can't really afford to pay someone to do it.
I feel like we've been plodding on for so many yrs and things just won't ever change. He's set in his ways and I
don't think I matter enough for him to change, or at least thats how it feels :-(