Please please please help! complicated affair issues.

[Charl75]

Hi,
I posted about 3 months ago to say my husband had told me he no longer loved me and wanted a separation (we have a 16 month old DS). I suggested councelling, going away together etc etc all of which he declined. It's since transpired that he has developed a relationship with a work colleague whom he was constantly texting (and more?) 3 months before he left.This weekend I told him I could get over it and wanted to work on becoming a happy family together. He cried and said he wished he felt differently but he didnt want to try again. Although I've been broken I am accepting this.
My main problem is this....he comes to visit DS most nights but spends approximately 50mins to an hour with him and then spends 50 mins to an hour showering, shaving and generally getting himself ready to go to this woman - he thinks I don't know this. He has sworn blind tonight that no relationship is taking place and that he's stopping with friends/his parents out of the area.I have asked him to be honest with me and assured him that I accept we are over and that I would never use DS as a pawn in our relationship. I have secretly found out where this woman lives and my sister has driven past her house for 2 nights in a row at 7.30 and half past midnight. His car is there. The huge problem is that I am reliant on him to fulfil joint financial obligations such as a large mortgage and joint loans which are ALL in my name due to his credit history.
I want to tell him that I know what he's doing and not to treat me like a fool but there's a chance he could stop paying and leave me in huge financial trouble. On the other hand should I keep quiet and carry on letting him use the place like a hotel. He would argue that he still pays half the mortgage which is true. I really need your help as I'm close to a breakdown

Thats it...
Wine and old fashioned valium just not giving clarity in this mess....sorry.....

Thats it...
Wine and old fashioned valium just not giving clarity in this mess....sorry.....

I have a great job with a decent wage as I am senior management so on around 42K a year. Therefore entitled to little if anything. When/if the house sells I will be free of this mess and if I can keep on top of loan and mortgage repayments for now I will be able to afford a new home on my own with DS. Until then I am reliant on husband's continued payments on our joint obligations that are unfortunately all in my name....2 choices...

1. Go mad/or just tell him I know where he is each night. Stop him from showering here etc but risk payments stopping or problems occuring with access to DS

or

1. Say nothing. Let him keep taking the piss so the financial boat isn't rocked and no issues with access occur.

To be honest he is hopeless financially and I always kept him on track so realistically if the house isn't sold bt Christmas I'm expecting him to stop fulfilling his financial (but unofficial obligations anyway)

Want to just scream at him to F* off as it's killing me but I'm trapped

Think option 2 is likely. Seeing solicitor today

I feel like I've missed something but if you are on 42k a year, why can you not manage the payments yourself and restrict his use of your house? It is in your name anyway.

Obviously, you possibly have enormous mortgage repayments but is this not feasible, even short term?

Does the company you use offer repayment holidays? Some do. This might buy you a reprieve if you can't manage repayments alone.

You have got to think what is the worse possible position will I be in if I pack his bags and tell him to sod off ?

My DH did this to me, actually left me with 4 DC to live with OW for about 6 weeks. Me packing his bags for him (in bin bags) brought him to his senses (he had most of his stuff with me and I knew nothing of OW for the 6 weeks (staying with friends etc )).

We had very complicated and bad financial problems (business etc). The solicitor told me the worse that would happen (I'm a SAHM) would be me ending in a rented house payable by housing benefit living on income support. I could live with that but I couldn't live with him treating me like a piece of s*.

Get angry and take control.

What a hideous situation. He is being an insensitive prick and I can see how telling him to fuck right off must be extremely tempting. I can also see how buggered you would be with your finances though if he stopped paying.

Have you spoken to your mortgage company ? Would there be any way of switching to interest only or taking a mortgage holiday until its sold ? Have you worked out how much your (d)h would be obliged to pay you in terms of child support (CSA website has an online calculator) ? Can you work out the minimum you would need from him per month to enable you to cope financially until the house is sold ...

Tbh, the "risk" here for me would be that you bite your tongue for a while, let him take the piss and shatter any self esteem he might have left you with and then he'll still stop paying his half when the mood takes him . I'm assuming the house is priced for a "quick" sale.

In the meantime, I would try and sort contact out to suit you better (without kicking off or mentioning OW). Perhaps twice a week, he comes to yours and spends time with your ds whilst you go out.

Thanks -really appreciate advice. aRLcat -yes on good wage but loan repayments and mortgage payments are huge.
Will see solicitor today, check out CSA, call mortgage company to see if anything can be done too.
House been on market since we were together -nearly 2 years now reduced it by 30,000 to rock bottom with no equity at all.

Where in the country, roughly, are you?

Self esteem is priceless but I would suck it up for the sake of my son and screw him financially tbh.

Charl, make an appointment with the CAB. Payment arrangements can be made with any loan companies you owe money to so that you can afford to live.

They ask you to fill in a form citing all your utility bills, council tax and mortgage and living expenses, whatever money remains is used to decide how much you can realistically afford to be paying off a month.

I think your self-respect is worth more than whatever bit of money your ex can give you.

Don't make his life easier by letting him use your home as a hotel. You need to agree some proper contact arrangements with your son that don't make things harder for you. He is having things far too easy IMO. I don't mean deliberatley try and make his life hard but I mean start putting your needs above his.

Charl i'd echo all the advice above re: solicitors and CAB. In terms of him, I'd personally play him. Sounds like he's in the heady, excitement stage of the affair that may (or may not) wear off!

Please don't let him him see you moping around the house whilst he gets dolled up so he can go off and have his cake and eat it! I'd ask for at least one if not two nights where he comes round and spends all night with your DS, you get dolled up looking your absolute best and have a laugh with him about your freedom etc, going out having fun etc. One night you even just go to a friends, fitness class, swimming or anything.

He needs to be supporting you in moving on and having fun just as much as you are him! Keep him paying everything but use him to your advantage! get out there girl, new haircut, new clothes and some good friends needed, good luck.