Friendship - a bit long

[meanmum]

I have just been contacted by a friend who I was very close to about 4/5 years ago. We went to high school together and remained friends afterwards even though we didn't live in the same country. I was chief bridesmaid at her wedding and we were very close friends. I always knew that she was the sort of person that if you crossed her she held a grudge for quite a few years and I always kept this in the back of my mind.

Anyway, whenever I went home to visit family I always caught up with her and eventually when I returned to the same country we went on a three week holiday together which was fantastic.

She then decided, after her marriage broke up, that she would try moving to the city I lived in to see if she liked it. She came to stay with me for a month and I found it really hard. I was basically a very poor friend for the time she was there. She wanted someone to show her the sites and do loads of stuff with. As it was my home town I had my normal life to lead and included her in everything but at the same time didn't really do enough of what she wanted.

It was very tough for both of us as I couldn't seem to change the way I was acting even though I knew it was affecting her and I valued the friendship.

Just before I got married she contacted me, even though I had written emails to her a few times to try to maintain the friendship and even apologised for my behaviour. I invited her to our wedding which was in her home city but she said she wouldn't be there as she was going overseas for a holiday. That was fine and even though I have written emails in the last 3 years to her I have never had a response. They haven't been frequent emails but just newsy ones about what we are doing and the fact we have had a son etc.

I have just received an email from her saying hi and wanting to know what I am up to and how our son is. I have responded to her but am having these mixed emotions. I feel a little put out that she has finally contacted me after all this time and is acting a bit like nothing happened but at the same time am still suffering feelings of guilt at the way I acted years ago so don't know if I have the right to feel put out. By the way, for the last three years we have both been living in London and quite close to each other. She knew we were in London which also makes me feel put out that she didn't contact me before.

Basically, I just want to know if others have been through something similar. Should I just be feeling guilty and rekindle the friendship (which is what I have started to do) or something else.

Message withdrawn

I have had a few friendships like this. Please don't feel guilty. There have been several people whom I have really gone out of my way for and they used to say they didn't deserve a friend like me.

One of them, after already receiving loads of favours and support from me borrowed some money and it was menat to have been paid back completely in ten months. Two years after the date the last payment should have been, I said can you please pay me back cos its gone on long enough and wrote a letter when I didn't get anywhere and she then wrote to me saying she wanted nothing to do with me and if I rang, visited or wrote to her again, she would get an injunction against me.

I know its different to your story but it shows that people make you feel guilty, implying you've been a terrible friend when its them that's in the wrong. I think sometimes we are too nice for our own good

I had a similar thing happen to me some years ago. I kind of fell out with a friend who had been close for years - not really what over but she stopped getting in touch. Then a couple of years later out of the blue she got in touch. I was polite and responded to her e-mail. After a couple of weeks of exchanging e-mail she suddenly asked me if I had any photo's from her wedding - it seems her wedding album had been damaged - so it suddenly all made sense that she'd got in touch because she wanted something!
Do you think there could be something that your (ex)friend is after?

I lost touch with Spacemonkey for half my life over a boyfriend of all the stupid things( I was only about 17!). Found her again on the Friends Reunited site about a year and a half ago, and got in touch because I had always wanted to see her again to apologise for being an insecure teenage brat. Anyway she replied and when we spoke it was just like we hadn't ever lost touch. We talk all the time and I have just come back from visiting her and her kids. I guess what I am saying is that at the time the reason we fell out seemed very important, but in hindsight it wasn't really. It just took one of us to find the other to rectify it. Maybe your friend felt a bit too hurt until now to be able to see you again, but has realised now that life's too short to throw a good friendship away. I guess you need to sit and think if rekindling your friendship would enrich your life in any way or not.

Thanks for all your responses. I'm taking the advice of not rushing in too quickly. I'll leave it now until next week when I said I would call her and do so and see how we go from there.

I did wonder why it was she contacted me after so long. I have apologised on numerous occasions over the years with no response to my apologies and I have once again apologised today but haven't had anything back from her.

Thanks again for the support. It was one of those moments where I was feeling guilty but not knowing if I should be feeling guilty and feeling even guiltier by not knowing whether I should stay in touch or not. Oh what a wicked web we weave.

Meanmum - I'm sure your mumsnet nickname is to put the people who know you in real life off the scent! I think that you have been a very good friend - especially in the years when your friend apparently refused to acknowledge, never mind respond to, you attempts at communicating with her.

If the friendship does redevelop, I think your best bet is to almost see it as a new friendship -after all, you both must have changed a great deal in the last few years. In these circumstances, I'm not sure how helpful it would be to go over what caused the rift.HTH

Thanks Sis. I think you're right. She never comments when I apologise and I can't keep apologising for ever.

I think she will be a very different person now, you're right. Living in London away from her old life will have changed her greatly and hopefully made her more worldly wise. I'll keep you all posted on how it goes if/when it progresses.

By the way. Thanks to all of you saying I have been a decent friend and that my title of meanmum isn't applicable. It's very much appreciated.

oh meanmum ive only just found this thread,i hope your friend realises what shes been missing,i really cant picture you doing something so terrible that she didnt even want to know about your son,i will have another go at the friendship and then decide wether is worth it or not,good luck!!