Does anyone else's marriage feel like bloody hard work most of the time?

[costagirl]

Is it me? I just feel irritated and crabby with DH most of the time. Essentially he's a good person, if a bit selfish, and I know he genuinely cares about me and the DC, but I just want to scream "oh for fxxx sake!" most of the time when he's around! That can't be normal, is it? Classic example, he's always telling me to "chill out" (ha!) so last night was relaxed on sofa, glass of wine, watching that Timothy Spall programme and really enjoying it. He comes in after faffing on the computer for the evening, and during the ad breaks, starts flicking around channels. Finally found Match of the Day, so returning to Timothy Spall was a slow process.....I felt like hitting him. Feel like this a lot, just exasperated most of the time. I know one friend who feels like this with her husband, but are we just intolerant crabby oddities? Should it be this much hard work?

What's the issue? Do you feel that your DH is occupying a lot of space but not contributing?

is he not listening? Changing channels is a bit rude. Does he do this with other things?

Yeah, he's on his own planet a lot of the time. Means well, but doesn't think. Just drives me mad at times, but I know I'm lucky in that he doesn't drink alot/gamble/play away/play silly computer games etc. Like 'forgetting' to give DS1 breakfast yesterday when I asked him to, as I was getting packed lunch ready for day out. DH had breakfast, but forgot to make some for DS. Typical! AAARGH!

He shouldn´t be changing channels if you´re already watching something, IMO.
He was on the computor when footy started, so tough!
Seems a bit self absorbed!

how can you forget to make breakfast for your child when you are making it for yourself

changing channels is rude

so what if he doesn't drink/smoke or gamble ... if he is being selfish then you need to sort it out

To answer the OP,though.
No,I don´t feel that marriage is hard work most of the time.

Oh yes. Mine was just like this and in the end I left because I couldn't see a way to fix it. We've been for counselling since, but it actually boiled down to a total mismatch of personalities. He just plain gets on my nerves even when he's doing nothing 'wrong' (and he's monumentally selfish, but that's another story).

Although, I feel really bad because people live in worse marriages. He never laid a finger on me (nor would dream of it), was never abusive, adores our ds, is a wonderful father and really, really loved me.

However, every day was a constant struggle because he did my head in and I was constantly irritable. I was starting to not like myself much either. I am sure marriage is not supposed to be like that.

So - in reply - I don't know for sure never having been in a marriage that isn't hard work all of the time, but I have enough faith that I'm willing to try again if the time and person is right.

I am, obviously, not suggesting this is what you do too. We did try for years to fix our marriage and it may have worked.

agree diddle.

I feel that marriage is hard work a lot of the time, and if it isn't hard work it is 'is this it?', but then everynow and then you get a wonderful bit that makes up for all those rubbish bits - if I'd known how hard it is maybe I wouldn't have done it.

My DH is wonderful in many many ways, and we irritate the heck out of each other in many ways, but isn't that just life?

We have been for counselling recently - he was suffering from depression which was really affecting our lives and the children's lives, and it was a good thing to be reminded of all the positives that are there, they just get lost in the day to day humdrum that is life.

Remember the positives, and the other thing worth considering - if you're married for 40 years, then 1 or 2 years of horror in that time only adds up to a tiny proportion of the 40 years!

Consider counselling - everyone should do it, as often as you can afford, go together and have your eyes reopened to your partner's good bits.

Marriage is hard work. It can be difficult to keep a relationship going. Over the years, we change so much.

No relationship is perfect, the difficulty is deciding how much imperfection you can tolerate!

I think marriage can be hard work depending on extenal circumstances sometimes. A few months ago (early pregnancy) I was being driven insane by my DH's seemingly incompetent ways. There was more to it than this, but my point is that with some counselling and a few changes to life things drastically improved. I needed to step back to find a way forward. It worked for us.

Mmm, thanks for the messages. We have been to Relate several times over the years (!), at which even the counsellors seemed a bit shocked by his self-absorption! I've felt like calling it a day several times in the past, but he just cannot see what the problem is. For example, if I told him how selfish it was to make his own breakfast and not do the kids', or to endlessly go off for days/whole weekends to pursue his sporting hobby, he will regale me with a list of what he HAS done - eg, mowed the lawn (twice this year), emptied the dishwasher, looked after DS2 while I took DS1 to London for the day. He thinks he is pretty good at the family thing! I don't deny he is great with the boys, has loads of energy for them and they adore him. I love him too, but find him incredibly hard to live with at times. Just hate feeling so ratty with him all the time. we went away for a weekend last year, just the 2 of us, and had a fab time, really rediscovered what we originally liked about each other. A year later, I could cheerfully throttle him again....

It is very hard work to live with a man who doesn't shoulder enough responsibility for the household - and even expects the household to revolve around his wishes and desires all the time. You end up being exhausted just defending your own position.

well maybe that's your answer. You need to spend more time together away from the family so that you remember that you do actually love him. I had a conversation with some friends when I was thinking about ending my marriage. They all said the same thing: Thier dh's irritated them to distraction. They have all fantasised about stabbing them in the face with a fork or electrocuting them in the bath...but underneath it all they loved them and wouldn't be without them. That's when I realised I didn't feel that way.

It sounds as though you do, although your dh needs a serious wake up call about his self-absorption. Filling the dishwasher, doing the lawn and taking care of his own children are not favours to you, by the way, and he shouldn't be keeping a mental tally of the things he has done to 'help out' when they are things he should do automatically as a part of being a responsible adult and parent!

Could you imagine being without him?

I have vowed to not allow my son to become a self absorbed, self centred cretin and am training him to be a good husband/person.

Its just that this kind of trait can make a partners life a misery.

It is at times hard work. Compounded by my inability to see any relationship lasting from my experience.

My dh is lovely, kind and not selfish but at times he gets "engrossed" and cannot see further than the end of his nose. He has forgotton on many occasions to feed my son...so i leave food for them or text him to say dont forget.... blah blah blah.

In the every day grind, i get incredibly irritated by him, and he does by me too.

Internet Chess - AAaaagh, falling asleep on sofa when he has dictated what to watch on TV, conveniently not getting up first on the mornings senile dog has had accident, putting my good clothes in tumble drier. Internet chess is the worst though.

bump - because I have a habbit of killing threads!

Doesn't sound like it's just you being intolerant, but haven't heard his side of it. How can he make breakfast for himself but not your son? What we he do if you went away for a few days and left him looking after DS? Would he look after him properly? Perhaps then he might realise how much you do. Is he just like that when you are around to be responsible? Is he on any medication that could make him spaced out? He sounds very childlike.

To answer your question, yes my marriage is bloody hard work. Probably about 50/50 happy/unhappy. We've been together 19 years, split up a few times before we had DD. Feels hard to leave now. My DH does do jobs around house and takes care of DD but tends to leave me to responsible a lot when I'm there to do it. My head is constantly full of things to be done, important stuff which doesn't seem to occur to him. I do most of the organising and its draining me. If I complain, he says "but you like to be in control" which is just an excuse! We've always argued- it's hard to find a solution.

Does he have good qualities that make it all worth it? Have you looked at why you stay with him? Are there things he is better at or more willing to do, that you could ask him to do more regularly? How about hiding the TV remote when your programs on?!

Tell you what though, my DH is very touchy about how I ask him for things- I have to ask directly, not hinting or complaining, and make sure I 've got eye contact so I know he's really listening.

Ohjustgrowup- I feel that way about my DH. If we spend more time alone I feel worse as I get him 100% with no break. A recent holiday almost drove me mad living with his habits 24/7.

I feel I am intolerant, but perhaps I am just picking on the obvious daily irritants cos I am basically with someone who is not right for me.

Phew - so it's not just me that feels like this....
I'm putting it down to lack of sleep on my part for the last 12 months coupled to intense irritation that he has never once got up in the night for DS, or even offered to let me have a lay in to catch up on sleep. Simmering resentment is currently colouring me perspective

Thanks for raising this issue costagirl.

The reality is there are so many of us feeling as you do. Men and women function so differently it is no wonder we clash and life gets hard. I find i harbour resentments against my hubby for things he doesn't do or has done and that creates a wall between us. We have four kids and so very little time for us as a couple and we have grown apart and it is how to get back together. We have been to counselling to try to help but I wonder if we have left that too late. No-one wants to imagine hurting their kids by splitting up and i know I put them first above how I feel, whether that is right or wrong. It is a scary prospect to imagine being on your own but it is hard also to live with someone if you aren't happy. It is a difficult position to be in and to know what best to do. I wish you all the best. x

Thanks for all the messages, it is comforting to know I'm not alone! I know I must try to think about his good qualities, of which there are several, but at the moment can't see beyond all the crappy stuff. Doesn't help that DS2 is up every night with nightmares, + the cat keeps bringing me presents of mice in the night, so not sleeping well. I know, I know, shut the cat out.....

Just wish he would wake up a bit, in all senses, and think a bit more about the rest of us. Can't see how it will happen - at Relate they gently suggested he has no ability to empathise whatsoever. Totally true, no malice, but not able to see things from anyone else's point of view. Product of his upbringing, I'm afraid! Ho hum.

Veryconfused, I do think the internet chess sounds a bit grim and am now thinking myself lucky....