Dc met OW and really like her

[whatdoyouallthink]

Thats it really. H decided at last minute yesterday to introduce her to the two eldest dc(aged 8 and 4). I was fine with it all day but when they came home wasnt prepared to hear them talk about her so much and in such a positive way. They was 'ow this, ow that, ow is lots of fun, ow played this with us, ow is really nice.' They was bought home much later then normal contact weekends as they was having 'too much fun' and didnt want to leave. Felt very strange and weird for me despite having moved on with someone else now myself.

Does it ever get easier to hear your dc talk about ow/om? I feel like my feelings about how much they liked her are unreasonable but as they was talking about her my stomach was in knots. Managed a very weak 'thats nice Im glad you liked her and had so much fun' but felt like such a fraud.

I love how being truthful to your children about something they will have to deal with one day is "badmouthing their father". You don't have to involve them in the hurt (although I think it is ok fir kids to know their parents are sad sometimes) but neither is it your responsibility to tell them lies about what has happened.

Having an affair while your wife is pregnant and then walking out on your small children is not "shit happening" it's one person treating people he has a responsibility to like shit.

Relationships break up for all sorts of reasons, but when one of the parties acts appallingly to the other this kind of neutrality is a rogues' charter.

"staying out of it" when one person has been done wrong to and hurt by another is taking sides.

shineoncrazydiamond has excellent advice. DCs aren't stupid-they work things out for themselves-they are very astute. The last thing they need is a parent pointing it all out to them-under the guise of 'truth'.
The fact that she is so young is a good thing from your point of view, I would have thought, she is more likely to have an older sister role than a mothering role. It is easy to 'wow' DCs on a first meeting, maintaining it through good times and bad in a consistent way is far more difficult. However it is much better for the DCs to have a good time when they go, than to be miserable.
I would just remain neutral in the background-no need to be friendly but equally no need to be obstructive. If you think of her as a teenage babysitter I think you would find it less upsetting. (unless she is a very mature young woman I can't see the relationshop lasting anyway).

The reason that I don't think it will last is that I am the mother of a 19yr yr old and I can't imagine any of his female friends wanting to take on an older man and 3 children-she will find it isolating once the novelty wears off. If I was her mother I would be very unhappy. It may well last, but I would say that the odds are stacked against it.

I went out with a man whose wife had gone off with a 19yr old man, taking their DD. It didn't last long! The 19yr old will wake up to the fact that she is wasting her youth-especially when her friends are out and about having fun. I have a friend who married a widower with 3 DCs when she was only 22yrs. They are still together but she admits she was naive and they had some tough times-I don't think she would want her 19yrold to do the same.
If you want to be really mean,whatdoyouallthink,send the DCs as often as possible!!!!

You did brilliantly, OP, particularly as you were caught unawares by it.

As others have said, it is better that they get on with the OW or new GF - I have been in both situations; my ex got together with a woman who clearly resented the time, effort, money whatever that XH spent with our daughter, and she was very hurt by it.

Luckily, his next GF (and subsequently NW) is much nicer, and the relief that this woman was pleasant and loving made it much easier to deal with...mind you neither of these women was the OW in my case.

I think 'being truthful' with your children should not be used as an excuse to place children in the middle of adult situations. You don't go along to the queue for Santa and start telling 4 year olds 'the truth'. What does it achieve?

Look, when a relationship breaks up, whatever the involvement of other people, then that relationship was not working. Even if one partner thought it was wonderful, if the other didn't, then it wasn't working. Yes it hurts, and you need support, but that's what your friends (and MN) are for. Not only is it unfair to dump it on your children, but behaving with dignity actually helps you feel better faster. The OP in this case has a new partner she is happier with so things have turned out well for her: exactly who is supposed to benefit by her taking a punitive attitude to her XP's relationships and passing that on to the DC.

The thing to remember is that the dc aren't talking about her to upset you - they are innocently telling you about their day and the new person they met. They are unaware of who she is or why she is with their dad.
When my parents split I had to go and see my dad's slut OW and I can remember at first when she was making tons of effort and buying me clothes I thought she was great and I broke my poor Mum's heart parading all the stuff she'd bought for me but that soon wore off and I saw her for the manipulating cow that she was - by which time my Mum had remarried and didn't give a toss about her or my Dad anymore.
Remember she was putting on an act yesterday so they are sure to like her - wait until the novelty wears off and see how much they like her when they are old enough to figure things out for themselves.

... and just because they like her, its no detriment to you. You are and always will be their Mum and will always be number 1 in their lives.

My children particularly like their dad's new girlfriend. They haven't linked her to the dramatic drop of interest he has in them, and I hope they don't. She's nice to them and it's not her fault their dad is a childish prick who has dropped them like a hot stone now they aren't convenient.

I think you handled it brilliantly. No wonder they had a nice time - she is only 19, only 11 years older than your eldest!!! no wonder she was able to play with them!

And hard as it is, it is better that they like the OW - and hopefully she likes them, if she is going to have regular time with them, as it would be so much harder otherwise. Its hard for you but your children will respect you as they grow up and see how well you handled it.

Much as vengeance on the ow would be nice, its just not viable when you have children.

At 19 has the reality of being with a man with 3 young children really set in for the ow? once it does - she may very well up and leave.

Like Ginny said, you are their Mum and you will always be No. 1.

be proud of yourself - you sound a credit to your kids and they will be proud of you too!

my kids have mixed feeling about dads ow, but they all seemed to get on ok.He told her it was over between us, lie after lie after lie.However he ended up cheating on her, lied to me as to why they'd split and i ended up calling her. We got on, had a bit of a bitch about him, spoke for over an hour. What I'm trying to say is just don't dislike her because of your feelings towards them,he was the one in the wrong! did she know the whole truth( men are good liars) be glad that the kids like her, imagine how hard it would be if they didn't.They need to maintain their relatiosnship with their dad, other woman and all.Also their accepting you aren't together anymore, so should be easier for you to introduce your new man.

Thanks for saying I said the right things to my dc .

I am glad they like her as it does make things easier in the long run when they visit their dad. By not 'badmouthing him' I meant I am not about to sit my 8 and 4 year olds down and tell them the ins and outs of the marriage breakdown. As some have said when they are older they will figure it all out for themselves I am sure.

As for if their relationship will last I dont know and am beyond caring. I hope it does deep down as I want it to be worth breaking the family up for. Someone said about the OW's mother well her parents threw her out when they found out about her relationship with my H and they are barely on speaking terms. So their relationship has managed to break up two families.

Does she know the reality of three children? I doubt it I am sure its probally a novelty at the moment. I dont lay the full blame of all this on the OW I am fully aware that its my H who is mostly to blame. Although it isnt like she was fed a whole pack of lies about his marital status. This girl knew me, my kids and knew we was expecting another baby together. In my book the fact she was still willing to pursue a relationship with him doesnt make her without any blame at all.

I know the dc wasnt talking about her to hurt me or anything like that and were just innocently talking about their day but it didnt stop it hurting like mad at the time. I know I will always be their mum and nothing will come between that.

I actually think now the initial meeting is done with the next time they see her, which I think will be this weekend, will be much easier for me to handle. Will it be for her? Who knows Saturday - Monday with all the dc (including 9m old baby who wasnt included in last weekends meeting) is going to be a testing time surely! Also new man is taking me out lots of lovely places for the long weekend ahead so it has its perks!

Thanks everyone for helping me feel better about it all. Feelings I had Sunday/Monday have faded so much now, thanks for letting me vent away here!!

Think of her as an older sister. When my DS was 8 yrs he had an 18yr old brother. If you think of her as a teenage babysitter I am sure it will take the sting out of it-I think that it would be much more difficult if they had taken to a mature woman, your own
age, who was skilled at parenting. Even if ther relationship lasts, which I doubt,she will always be in an elder sister role, when you eldest gets to be an adult she still won't be 30yrs herself. Anyone can captivate DCs when it is a novelty situation and everyone is on their best behaviour-I expect OW wanted to impress your ex.Whether she can do it 6months on, on a cold, wet February day when they have coughs and colds and feel crabby is another matter!!

Piscesmoon, Yes I think that is a good way to think of it actually and will try that from now on. I hadnt even thought of when dc1 was an adult she wouldnt even be 30!(H would be 44!)

It proablly would be harder if she was my own age etc. And yes 6 months on, on that cold wet February day when they are all fed up and have coughs and colds will be a testing time for her too .

whatdoyouallthink - I just posted on the step parenting page. My DP hasn't introduced me to his DD yet, we've been together 2.5 years. His soon to be ex wife won't allow me to meet her.

I wasn't involved in the break up of their marriage, it happened long before I came on the scene. Having said that, she is very angry about me because she wanted him back and thinks she would have had him back if he hadn't met me.

Your post has really got me thinking. If I ever do meet his DD, I would like it to be with his wife's permission. I absolutely do not want to upset anyone by my presence in DP's life.

If you'd had a say in your DP's OW meeting your kids, how would you have liked it to have gone? Is it that you would just liked to have been told it was happening, or did you want to be consulted as to the details?

Foolio, I think your situation is different to mine you wasnt involved in the break up etc. After 2.5 years together I cant believe you havent yet met your DPs daughter, that is a long time. All I can suggest really is just to take things slow when you first meet her. My dc met this girl last weekend and have spent bank holiday weekend with their dad and the OW has been there all the time. They have come home upset at having no alone time with their dad.

I managed to deal with this weekend a lot better then the last so over time I am sure things will fade. I actually had to pick my dc up and OW was there. She ran and hid in a downstairs room when she realised I was there and I managed to say a hello and goodbye to her. My dc walked straight past her without even saying goodbye until I prompted them to do so. IMO it feels like he is pushing the OW on to the dc and if he continues they are not going to want to go. My eldest rang me late afternoon and asked me to pick him up as he wasnt enjoying himself and had nothing to do as 'daddy is having dinner with OW' although they was all in the same house.

They are home now though and we are going to enjoy the last few days of school holidays together .