Kicked dp out because i cant stand his drinking?Please help.....

[shatteredmumsrus]

We have been together for 5years and have a 4yo son and I have an 8yo from previous relationship that dp treated as his own (still does). He has always been a big drinker eg. drinks fast and has a drink nearly every night. Lager nothing else. He HAD to have a drink on a Sunday afternoon. In the early days he used to stay out all night drinking, only stays out half the night now (3am maybe). I should of seen it from the eginning, plus his dads and alcoholic so is his brother and cousins all 'like a drink'. It got to the stage where it ruled our lives. If the bar shut he would go in a mood, we had to go to a bar every night on holiday etc. He would get massive mood swings and I could see a big session coming a mile off. Anyway he has acknowledged the problem several times includin me finishing it and him being out the house a couple of nights. This time feels different somehow. Night before we went to Majorca he stayed out til 3 am so I had a go at him saying he will be moody as we had to get up early to catch plane - and he was. He said sorry. Then while we were away I found myself in a kind of bubble, I didnt even want to talk to him, it was a strange feeling. Then night we got back he went out again til 3am.By the way there isnt another woan involved - he would rather drink!! I let it all out and said I wanted him out. He didnt really put up a fight and moved out to a friends. He has said sorry a million times, he loves us and he has messed us etc He is at the begging stage that does upset me but not enough to have him back. I dont know how I feel, im enjoying being on my own with the kids. He said he is going to see an alcohol councillor, however he was at the local club drinking last night! I dont know if he needs to give up or whether he can 'control' it.Should I have him back.He said he needs me to help him, he cant do it on his own. He is a good man generally and loves me and the kids very much. Its a really sad situation. Any partners or x partners of big drinkers out there?????

Hr probably does love you in his own way - but his primary relationship at the moment is with drink and has been for a long time. Everything and everyone else comes a distinct second with an alcoholic even if they are on his list of priorities. It does not do children any good at all to be seeing all this even if he is a good father to them. They pick up on all the unspoken tension and inherent unhappiness and learn from you both.

You are only responsible for your own self and that of your children. Not him, you are NOT responsible for him in any way, shape or form. Don't let yourself become responsible for him. You have to get that into your head and keep it there.

You're right actually in that you should have seen it from the beginning (his father being an alcoholic as well and his relations are heavy drinkers) but it is still not your fault that you entered into a relationship with this man.

Many women in these situations end up acting as their partner's enabler - how many times have you covered up for him or made excuses for him either verbally or in your head?. Probably more than you care to imagine. Who else as well knows about the extent of his drinking - perhaps very few. You also are playing a role in the merry go around that is alcoholism.

If he is serious about stopping drinking he needs to do this on his own without you being around as well. Attempting to do this for you and or your children solely is an approach often doomed to failure. If he cannot or will not admit to himself the extent of his problem (many alcoholics are in denial of their situation and often underestimate how much they are drinking) then you can only protect yourself and your children. It sounds like he is also telling you what you want to hear re seeing an alcohol counsellor - he was at the local club drinking again. If he is an alcoholic then he cannot control his drinking full stop.

There are three C's you need to remember re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

You may also want to talk Al-anon (I would recommend that you do so) as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. It is important that you get real life support for your own self. I will put up their details for you.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

Email: [email protected]

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Thankyou Attila you sound as if you know what you are talking about. I wish to gos I could cure him but have realised that this is impossible

My dh is also a big drinker as you put it. he drinks only lager but every day after work, and totals about 70 to 110 units a week, every week. His family are all big drinkers too, mine are not at all and nor am i so have always found it hard to get a clear view about how much is too much.
What stands out to me in your post is that you seem to have a detached feeling from him with this last incident - i have also had this , we have now separated btw , not just the drink. I think it is the sound of realisation . Anyway what always helps me to eveluate things is thinking of how i would feel if these sort of things were happening to my girls, would i want them to put up with this type of behaviour. Good luck to you.

No, you cannot cure him. Don't even go there with that one.

The question remains: what are you going to do in the long term?. You actually have a choice as to whether to stay with him or otherwise, your children do not. It will do them no favours to grow up in a household where one parent is an alcoholic; it will emotionally harm them.

Do seek support from Al-anon; they are helpful to family members.

Yes i am detached, I have told dp i feel numb towards him

Attila - i wouldnt want to go to a meeting but i would be interested intalking to someone? Do they offer this?

Their helpline:-
020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year. They also have some helpful literature.

Thanks a million - let you know how i get on

good luck SMRU

attila gives brilliant advice

doesnt she just.Love the name btw!

just rang alanon and they are closed even tho it says 10 til 10 on their website. I will try tomorrow. Got so many questions - do i help him, is he ever going to change. I know they cannot answer these questions but i need to talk them through. He is sitting in a friends room atm crying and breaking his heart.I however have not cried and feel numb

Shattered I am sorry you are going through this. I phoned Al Anon once and they suggested I went to a meeting, although I, like you, did not feel ready for that. I don't know if that is a typical response when you phone to speak to them. Depends on who you get I suppose.
Have you asked your DH to go to the GP for a liver function test? That prompted the first breakthrough moment for my DH.
Good luck by the way.

I might suggest it. What happened to you if you dont mind me asking?

Shattered - my DH doesn't sound quite as out of control as your's but I can recognise a lot of what you're saying.

After a lot of good advice on here, I went to my first Al Anon meeting last month. Very emotional, very helpful, not least because the majority of people there were partners of people who had stopped drinking some time ago. It was good to get the reassurance that some people do come through this with their marriage (and sanity) intact but also that I have a choice. Lots of leaflets available from them which were also very interesting.

Please do make contact with them - this is no life for you and your Dcs. x

Can I explain a usual week for me as im confused as to if im over reacting. Mon he goes footy, no drink. Tues may go to the club for a drink, maybe 6/7 pints. Footy weds, no drink. Thurs maybe a drink maybe not. Fri, sat and sun definately drinking, maybe 6/7 pints a night sometimes more. It makes him snappy and short tempered and he looks haggered and unattractive?Well??? After reading that it seems a silly question

Hi, sorry I went away for a bit. I think that drinking that much is a problem and especially when it impacts on your family life and he gives a high priority to drinking, over you and the DCs.
The GP went through a questionnaire about drinking with my DH and of course drinkers always downplay the amount they actually drink, but it was clear to us all that it was a problem. When the test came back it showed that his liver is under strain and that the drinking - which he kept saying wasn't a problem - was in fact damaging his health. He understands that his liver could start not working.
The breakthrough came between blood test and getting the results when he finally admitted that he knew he was drinking too much (I was finding empty bottles, he never went a day without a drink, caught him drinking in the early afternoon, smelling of drink after work, his stomach was all swollen. I never see him drunk though - I think his tolerance is too high )
Anyway he agreed to cut down. He as yet does not accept he is an alcoholic . he has a repeat test in about a month - this will show whether he has been able to cut down and have days without drinking. We are halfway there...some way to go yet!
Well that was epic...hope it helps.

you can be supportive but he shouldn't be back in the family home until he's stopped drinking and is properly in recovery...

has he admitted fully his problem?

would he agree to a rehabilitation programme?

has he tried AA?

you need to put any relationship you have with him on hold while he sorts this out.

also be careful your actions don't centre around trying to get him to stop drinking. he needs to come to this decision himself in order to fully take responsibility. make sure you give your kids lots of attention and encourage them to talk freely about their fears etc.

Sorry to hear you are going through this and Attila as you already know is giving excellent and informative advice. Just wondered about another tack. Your P is saying he will go to a counsellor but that could just to appease you and get you to take him back. How about telling him that actions speak louder than words. One of the best organisations for problem drinkers is AQUARIUS. They will be in the phone book or on line. Why not tell him that you will not even begin to consider taking him back until he has contacted such an organisation and has embarked upon a treatment plan with them. (You will need proof of this obviously) This will test out whether he is motivated to address the drinking issue or whether he is just trying to get you back by making empty promises.

Shattered - sounds a similar pattern to mine. There are days when he doesn't drink - I can no longer tell for sure as he never appears drunk - and days where I catch him drinking straight out of the bottle first thing in the morning. The main giveaway for me is that he falls asleep all the time - he rarely eats.

In 26 years together, he has never admitted that he has a problem and I'm embarrassed I've let it go this long - probably a measure of quite how deceitful alcoholics are that they can make you feel that you're imagining things!

Please get help for you and DC, the others are right, you can't fix him

Thanks all, he said he has got an appointment at aquarius and they will set p a rehab programme if neccessary. He tried aa before but found it too spiritual altho he said it made him think

Shattered

Sorry to hear this sadly familiar story.

I am a recovering alcoholic myself.

your husband is drinking a vast amount of alcohol (that he tells you about) and you are NOT over-reacting.

He CAN do it without you, you are unlikely to be able to help him and, if you do, his sobriety will then be dependent on you and you will be subject to emotional blackmail for the rest of your time together.

If he wants to sort it out, let him sort it. Be there for him, be a friend, listen (if you're able to do so0 - but you can't and shouldn't do it for him.

AA worked for me (after my girlfriend chucked me) and it might for him.

Happy to talk further if you or he wants.

PS re AlAnon and closing times - if it's anything like AA, some regional offices are less well organised or rostered than London or Edinburgh. Don't be afraid to phone one of the capitals or the national helpline if you can't get through locally - they'll still speak to you and help if they can (though, as the whole concept of recovery is based on meeting people in the same boat, don't be surprised or upset if they suggest you attend one. Just say no thanks and stay on the phone!)

Thankyou so much MIFLAW, glad you are ok now. Its such a shame because he is a really nice and loving man and if I could have that part of him all the time id be very very happy. Thats whats hard to admit, the fact that he isnt like that all the time and when he has a drink is a completely different person. Friends and family have described what I knew, he is a great man but he makes people feel uncomfortable and nervous and I can see that. He would shout no matter who was there and has no tact whatsoever. Anyone got a magic wand?

he has just been round to see the kids and has left to go to the club to watch the football(a drink will be involved) Im confused I though he was gonna stop but he said it as tho nothing has happened and now he lives with a friend nothing will stop him.It makes me sooooo sad cause it confirms that we are never gonna work it out. He can drink sensibly for a bit then it all ends up the same