having trouble seeing my way through this situation

[toolatetobackoutnow]

I have lurked and avidly read other's threads trying to make sense of my relationship and it seems like time to ask for your help, insights, advice. If I tried to write about our 11 year relationship I would be here all day so I'll try to be brief.

Been together since I got pregnant (unexpectedly) with DS1, now have DS 10, DD 8. Has never been right, there have been arguments, money problems, unhappiness all the way.
We are not married.

Last year he lost his only contract (self employed) but did not disclose it to me for weeks (he works from home at times) then tried to say it was his choice. He has not earned any money since then and despite repeated efforts by me to motivate him, lately increasingly desperate, has shown remarkably little concern. Last week he floored me by saying the last 16 months have been the happiest of his life! He has assumed the stay at home Dad role but has not taken on the cleaning, paying bills etc elements of it. I work (now) virtually full time in a demanding but satisfying job but I had previously jiggled my hours so I could collect the children and take them to their various activities. I increased my hours from necessity and to develop my career but none of this was ever discussed. At least I would try and discuss it and he would grunt "urrgh" which serves for yes, no, I agree or piss off and leave me alone.

He is usually silent with me but loves the chat and banter of the school run- we live in a gorgeous friendly neighbourhood. Lately he has been acting like a dormant volcano. Staying with friends on holiday the first thing they said was "whats's wrong with him". Silent, disconnected, playing no part in child care only rousing himself to discourse on his favourite rants about education in the UK, how DS is being failed by his school etc.

Got back from holiday and he told me the next day he had a court appearance to plea not guilty to a charge of common assault. I don't want to give details in case RL people read this. Its not straightforward. I felt sick, betrayed, angry that he had not disclosed this (incident was in spring). I asked him to leave the house and he said "that's why I didn't tell you, I knew you would say that".

He's staying with friends short term but seems to have little insight about the extent of his problems. I can't sleep, feel numb and in shock and can't make any plans right now. he has been referred for therapy and is waiting to go, may need a psychiatric opinion too (I think he does), He is obviously depressed but there's more than that wrong I think.
I have accepted that I will probably have to sell the house which we own jointly but I have no idea how to manage, I can't even afford a lawyer.

I have wanted to leave for so long and I don't want to leave him homeless and penniless but I feel like its the end this time. he is visiting the children regularly and thinks the staying with friends is short term for me to get my head together.

Oh my goodness, poor you, what a dreadful situation. It sounds like you know what you want to do.

I think your responsibility is to yourself and the children, not to your partner. He has to sort himself out, but from what you write, the depression is not the only problem here. If it has never been right then you owe it yourself to get out and start again.

From what you write, he hasn't been contributing much outside the school run - I am sure that you will manage without him. It may be tough at first, but I suspect you will find it far easier in the long run.

Good luck - you will cope.

PS You may well find that counselling on your own helps you to work through some of the emotions you must be feeling. I know it was a great help to me when facing the future as a single parent, and made me feel far more optimistic and positive about things.

"thinks the staying with friends is short term for me to get my head together" implies that he doesn't realise the gravity of the situation, being that it's he who needs to get his head together.

You say he's "like a dormant volcano": what do you think would happen if you told him you didn't think it was short term?

"that's why I didn't tell you, I knew you would say that" - he's leading a double life so that you cannot make an informed decision about yours.

thank you- it feels strange to be "writing out loud" I have been keeping all this to myself except for my local friends who seem more keen to keep the status quo- maybe have him back when he gets his act together,,,But I am sick and tired of the lack of communication with occasional violently abusive tirades and feel that my life is slipping away. there is much I didn't disclose in the first email but it is lovely that people take the trouble to post links and give advice. Stewiegriffithsmom I will contact gingerbread and get a lawyer, I also need to stop paying my salary into our joint account. TheDMHatesMe yes to counselling but I need time and space for that- I can barely get dressed in the morning and still need to drag my sorry ass into work. NotPlayingAnymore- you have insight- he will erupt as he has before and scream shout, call me useless, fat, lazy and an unfit mother and threaten to take the children away. The difference is. this time he has blown it by being aggressive outside the home and he may well end up with a criminal conviction which would presumably undermine a custody claim.

"he will call me useless, fat, lazy and an unfit mother"

This is abuse. You poor thing. I am not an expert, but I would have thought that it is possible that it could also turn into physical abuse. You MUST protect yourself and your children.

It would be well worth talking to Women's Aid - they will be able to help you. Their phone number is 0808 2000 247

You are quite right to take this extremely seriously, whatever your friends say. I think it can be difficult for friends to advise, as they don't have the full picture.

You have the right to a happy life, free from the sort of fear and anxiety a relationship like this brings.

Take care of yourself - it might be worth going to see your GP if you are feeling very anxious and down. You need as much support as you can get. Is there anyone in your family you can confide in?

"NotPlayingAnymore- you have insight- he will erupt as he has before and scream shout, call me useless, fat, lazy and an unfit mother and threaten to take the children away."

Oh gosh - so sorry
To be honest, I had a feeling there was far more to it than your OP but didn't want to put words into your mouth by barging in with my assumptions.

You do sound as if day to day life is a struggle for you (absolutely understandably) so one day at a time is the key. By all means get a lawyer etc. in place, but don't worry too much about things like what will happen with the house yet. Concentrate on being kind to yourself and DC, because TDMHM is right - you do have the right to a happy life, with or without him

notplayinganymore- thank you, I am new to this posting thing and its hard to get the essence across but yes- there is more. I have just had a lovely evening with friends and feel so much better but there's a battle ahead.
I have no doubt that my ex will get angry- he already is. What is new and strange is the quiet- this is new. he came to take the children out for a few hours today and there was no anger, name calling etc but I can't believe it will be this simple- where are the threats, refusal to leave, name calling. I can't imagine the anger has gone from him- but where is it now?
I have definitely had too much wine tonight but the feeling of freedom and affirmation from posting my story is fab. I have been feeling so ashamed, such a failure and I still do but I have had a break, thank you for hearing me.

Keep posting - it does help to express one's thoughts.

Oh my word - there are so many of us that deserve to be happy but spend to much time considering the feelings of those that make us unhappy, and I am one of them. I am sorry that it has taken such an awful event to make you see the light - but I wish you all the luck in the word. Take heart from all the things said by those wise ones who have been there and done that so to speak - they are proof that it can be done and you can be happier after the event.

Update:

6 months later, not much further on. I waited until the court case had reached a conclusion- he has been convicted and given community service. During talks with his probation officer he "disclosed" the fact that he was living in fear of my violent temper. result is that social services have been informed and are coming for an initial assessment tomorrow. They have told me that the visit was triggered by this disclosure not the criminal conviction, nor the 2 previous police visits following his violence against me. They have waited 4 weeks to visit and cancelled a visit last week at one hours notice, I am complying only because they have threatened an s47 child protection if I don't cooperate. I feel sick to my core this is so unfair and unjust. I have been keeping things together at home and work and I just feel like screaming. I asked him why he had done this and he said- quote "its not fair that I should get all the blame". I have seen the bank manager and a solicitor, offered half the value of the house if he will leave. he said he will take it but also wants custody of the children. We are not married. Do you think he is playing games and how much do I disclose to the f*ing social worker. I am so angry and upset and so are my bright sensitive kids.

OMG this is horrendous and I am afraid to say I relate very much to a lot of what is in your thread. Won't go into too much detail but it is a very similar situation or was, I fortunately am out of it now.

My ex attacked me for the final time after me asking him to leave for months in front of our children. I called the police, who came, took him away and made a SS referral. It was a horrific time. He too during our marriage was arrested and charged with various, a year long court case followed the whole time was horrific.

Anyway I can only tell you what I did but I am aware that others may not agree. I told the Social Workers nothing, when they came for their initial assessment, rightly or wrongly all I wanted was them OUT of the equation. I know they can be helpful but I didn't need or want their help or any more stress should their input have developed negatively. The only thing that needed to happen was to get ex OUT, I knew things would improve from there. Can give you practical advice of what they will be looking for if you would like. Also to reassure you, you are clearly not considered a huge priority if they are cancelling visits like that. Let them come, your house will be immaculate and your children happy with you, it is of course up to you what you tell them. I would emphasise your ex's criminal conviction and the fact that he is feeling bitter as you have ended the relationship and this is why he is making these allegations, be calm and co-operative. Their big thing is your ability to protect your dc from a potential domestic violence situation, which is classed as abusive and lets face it is.

I don't think for one moment he will get custody of your dc but you need to get a solicitor immediately. My ex was an awful bully but subsided under the threat of solicitors and police. However I did offer him 60/40 access as whatever else he is, he is a hands on, patient Dad, just hopeless in other ways.

He is behaving like this because he no longer has the power, it is fair he should take the blame because it is his fault. My ex was so like this it is uncanny. Right down to "why should I take all the blame?". Also totally discounted why I called the police as he attacked me "you knew I wouldn't really hurt you, you just like the drama". Please post back if I can help you with anything else.

thank you so much for replying. I am sitting here at work shaking- I don't know if I can go through with the visit- my house is certainly not immaculate! But the children are fine albeit confused about why we are having a visit from someone who might look in their rooms and the fridge to see if we have any food. It is just so ridiculous that they are taking him seriously and I don't know if he is being clever trying to discredit me as a parent or just didn't realise what the implications of his words would be. he has been referred several times for counselling but hasn't received any yet though his solution is that as I am the one with the problem I should have the counselling! In fact I did attend as assessment and the counsellor felt that practical action such as finding a lawyer would be more helpful at this stage (may have some later- as I said I am holding it together,just). The NPD thread rings bells with me. Thank you for your reply its great to hear that you got through it. I have made an offer of 50% equity and can increase the mortgage to cover- but he wants the children too. Next stage is court for residency order or forced sale of the house if he won't leave. If I don't leave the country first!!!!

Oh and I have already made up my mind to disclose nothing to the SW- just get them away ASAP. Their sort of help comes at far too high a price (I work in the NHS and have some indirect experience of the good the bad and the incompetent SWs)

Ok, well you seem pretty clued up already. Remember SS are busy, busy, busy, they just want to be able to cross you off their list. I am not saying they are not a neccessity in some cases but certainly not in mine and not yours either from the sounds of it.

The only thing I would say to you is as far as you are able without compromising yourself or your dc give him what he wants. Let him feel like he is getting something out of the situation, you know the truth. He will not get full custody of your dc, he is ridiculous, I doubt he even really wants it, he is just clinging on and on an on. Arse.

As for the visit, it will be fine, I said to myself when the SW arrived this will be over in an hour and it was. He sat down, made notes, asked me questions, interested in my support system, what I do with dc etc, playgroups, activities etc. I would personally advise you to give your home a thorough going over, yes it is only surface but it makes a difference. Mine did look in the fridge but made a joke out of it and it didn't really feel that awkward. He spoke to my dc alone, which stressed me out but got nothing out of them because there was nothing really to get.

I personally would recommend you get a solicitor as soon as possible, I immediately felt more in control once I had filed for divorce. My financial and housing situation very messy but just talking about it to someone really helped.

SS will jsut want to see hcildren are happy and well cared for - you shoudl not worry too much - he is the one with criminal conviction. you ahve nothing to hide - they not going to take dcs away from a nice home etc.

i have SW involvement anyway as have disabled son and have had nothing but support from them in similar circs....

do you have a violent temper at all - is there any reality in that?

court takes a long long time....you will have various hearings etc...

one thing will be children/contact - what sort of contact would work best for dcs? is he still in the house with you at present?

for the finance side/sale of property you might need to use trusts of lands act to force sale (eg him to sell you his share)

speak to solicitor.

toolate....... "It is just so ridiculous that they are taking him seriously"

You're damn right it is, but do you know what? They're only doing their job which is to take allegations of violence seriously and to protect your children and that's how you should see it.

Don't dwell on it, this is a cheap shot at you by your DP and he knows it. They'll be out of the picture before you know it.

Can you get legal aid for a solicitor? Or any other financial support?

Thanks for your comments- i don't have a violent temper but have in the past reacted to the bullying by making threats- you would have to be subjected to that level of abuse to understand- but that was years ago, his allegations were recent and totally unfounded. He is still in the house- wants me to leave, its with the solicitors but will take months of this hell to resolve. I have read Lundy Bancroft and counter accusations of abuse I believe are common in these situations.

Social worker has been and gone, I was very upset but he was satisfied that the children were well cared for. However I still feel that my home was invaded and my son turned up with a fur hat, scarf and toy gun to speak to him- to make a point. Glad its over and I do realise that its their job but its best to keep away in my particular circumstances, they have no help to offer me.

Sadly I am not eligible for legal aid as I work full time but I will not let that stop me so am prepared for the £££!!!

Goodness, toolate. Well done for breaking up with him, that took strength. Glad you're seeing a solicitor - if you keep custody (which you should easily do) there's no way he'd be entitled to half the house and assets.

So sorry that he's digging his heels in and refusing to leave the house. Amazing how people can start off as decent human beings and turn into this, isn't it?

toolate

I'm so glad that the SW visit went well. It seems so wrong that your partner is making malicious allegations on such a serious matter - I do hope that its all over now!

Like tortoise, I'm glad that you're seeing a solicitor. It sounds like this man is going to force you to work hard to get rid - but you've done so well in the six months or so since you first posted that I'm certain that you have the strength to see it through. It will be so worth it!