So that's it then - I am destined to live the remainder of my life in misery.......

[k850plus]

I have posted before re my miserable marriage, and my struggle to gather the courage to escape it. I have plotted and planned to the ninth degree, have now established what benefits I would be entitled to if I up and leave, and even came quite close to viewing a property to rent!!

This evening I manage to start a conversation regarding how we can't possibly carry on living like this - which of course quickly turned into a bitching session over who had done what to get us to this point; turns out it is all my fault cause I had post natal depression and that's where it all stemmed from ( must check that out with my Mum and sister, cause it was certainly never medically recorded and I don't recall it !!!!!)

Anyway upshot is (according to him)

a)if I instigate things and it ends up with him loosing everything he has put into this home of ours I will live to regret it
b)I couldn't posibly manage on my own
c) If I pursue this he will end up killing himself because he really couldn't bear to part with the house he has worked so hard to hold onto or the car that is soo precious to him - how would I like to have that on my consciounce he asks.
d)It's alright for me cause I will have an inheritance when my parents die and I will be able to start again - he isn't in that fortunate position
e)Why should we both be miserable living at a lower standard when we can remain miserable together.
f)I am a miserable person in general it has nothing to do with him

So it seems I must remain living like this - I have to be selfless and put up with this in order not to make his live any worse than it already is!!!!

This is exactly what I expected him to say once I plucked up the courage to have this conversation, exactly why I have been putting it off becaue I knew it would all be my fault and I would end up having to be the complete and utter bitch who wrecks everyones lives just to be happy myself.

I just know I am not strong enough to see this through with all this hanging over me.

I had a bf years ago who threatened. I said matter of factly: "Well, do it outside and try not to make too much of a mess, ok?"

He never brought that up again.

I believe, generally, that adults who are seriously going to do it, don't talk about it first. Exceptions, of course-teens. So such a dismissive response shouldn't be a default strategy.

After a certain quantity of verbal crap that is offered, I think it can be ascertained pretty accurately that this is just more crap.

I would agree with you, toomanystuffedbears, and I think your response was wonderful! If they insist on behaving like a small child I think you have to treat them like one. Don't give them the response they want.

Amused by the Walnut Whips. Oh, the reproaches I got when I left H after he had bought me flowers from Aldi! How could I be so ungrateful!

It sounds like he wants you because misery loves company - he's misery, you're company. When you were a little girl dreaming about your future life, is that what you wanted to be? Honour that little girl, and be something better!

Your DH knows that if you leave him, your life will get better. He doesn't want that to happen, he'd rather have you where he can see you, with you both being unhappy.

This is appalling selfishness. He doesn't want to actually be with you or work on the relationship, he just wants to ensure the sad old status quo in which nobody's dreams are realised and everybody is miserable.

Please find the courage to break free from this. I can almost guarantee that if you do, within a year your only regretful thought will be 'why the fuck didn't I do this years ago'.

This is your life - live it for yourself, not for misery man.

... and yes, the walnut whips were a masterstroke eh. Be sure to keep a walnut whip in your handbag from now on to remind you of the paltry nature of this man's efforts to make you happy.

Oh well 3 walnut whips - that must change EVERYTHING for you! Bet you didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Stay strong and sending you support.

You are still waiting for his "permission" to leave - for him to suddenly say he understands and agrees you should not be together. From what you've said I don't see that happening - do you? Like you say, you'll be there forever, miserable, because he doesn't see there's anything wrong other than your refusal to be happy. Just pin this above your bedroom mirror or whatever:

YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION

You can and will leave when you are ready for yourself. And you will fight for what you believe you should have, not what he feels like letting go of. You can do this, but maybe not quite yet.

Yes, as you've probably guessed, I've been there. And I too am a sucker for Walnut Whips. Thing is though, my ex didn't earn, so everything he bought for me went on the credit card which I paid off. He'd look at me with an expression like a puppy who'd just brought me a slipper, while I'd be thinking "I'm on a diet, dammit, and we just had a row about saving money... ah, but he means well". Eventually I began to realise he didn't mean well at all; he just knew what worked on me. Sometimes it was the puppy thing, sometimes the self-pitying depressive act, sometimes the hectoring and bullying. Once I saw it all as the manipulative behaviour it was, it was so much easier to get out of there.

I think you need to get that shift of perspective before you really feel it is right to leave. Not his shift to "oh all right then, let's split amicably", because that ain't gonna happen. From my experience - and what my solicitor observed from his years of family law practice - is that most of them give in and start offering to be ever so amicable when you're looking at them down the barrel of a loaded lawyer.

Once again - thank you all.

Feeling sorry for myself tonight - kids are both out, hubby is here but gone to bed already!!!! That is not a bad thing, at least I have my own choice on the TV whilst also sitting on the sofa with my laptop usually I am perched in the kitchen with the mini TV or upstairs!! He of course always has control of the TV everynight.

Don't get me wrong, I am not hankering after an exciting night out - that's not my style anyway, it's that sad feeling that I am not strong enough to see through what I feel I want to do, what I feel I owe myself.

He has said no more - and neither have I. But I got to thinking about the "2 other things I needed to know/consider" - perhaps he meant the kids, and doesn't think it necessary to discuss things further cause I will have twigged that is that he meant and will have reconsidered the situation.

The kids are of course a very big part of what is holding me back, along with my own uselessness of course. There is no great relationship between him and them, he favours our daughter much more so than our son who is the eldest. Son cops for alot of hubby anger cuse he is your typical selfish, lazy 17yr old who expects it all and gives nothing!! But then he hasn't had a very good role model has he, either in his father or his mother who takes the verbal abuse from hubby without having given much back in return until more recently. Hubby has been known on many an occassion to blame son for most of our problems., He gets very angry with son when he swears and is cheeky to me, wading in and threatening to "lay him out"!! Son now answers him back when he speaks to him like that which is not helpful, but in many ways understandable.

Despite the lack of a close relationship, and the bad example that he ( and I suppose me also) sets for the kids I keep telling myself it's not a good thing to take them out of his everyday life. We spend very very little time together as a family, but I can;t imagine hubby making any effort to see them if we weren't all under the same roof and that has to be a bad thing. I feel that they would see if as my fault, even though there is not much input from him on a day to day basis in their lives, for us leaving because I am not happy. They would then see their Dad angry and even more miserable and it would be as a result of my selfish actions!!

How do I get to the point where I see it for what it is - in fact is it what it is? Sometimes I do wonder if it is mainly my fault and I am the one who makes life difficult but am blaming him! May be my behaviour is what drives him to be the way he is - unpleasent to me. OMG there I go, taking the blame cause it's easier than having to do something about it

Has nobody invented a tablet that I can take to make me see the light and do what is necessary?

First of all -you are not useless-you have merely lost confidence and this is holding you back.
Also you are not responsible for your husband having a daily relationship with his DCs.You say that he wouldn't make any effort to see them-but that is his problem and not yours. Your DCs are at the age, or getting to the age, where they can make their own minds up, they are not small children. He is already favouring one DC over the other which can't be good for your DS.
You are not responsible for your H, but he seems to have forced this responsibility on to you-hand it back.
If you are not strong enough to make the break I would develop a life for yourself, join things, take up interests and get out and about-time for you will give you confidence. Your DCs are getting to the age when they will be leaving soon anyway.

k850, I was in a horrible marriage until 3 years ago but didn't have the confidence to finish it either. Luckily my ex did it for me and walked out. I am so grateful to him now and life is great. But I just wanted to say how hard it can be to disentangle yourself, even if you know it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Do what pisces says if you feel ultimately that leaving him won't be possible and remember that everything he's coming up with is emotional blackmail. I do so hope you manage to make the break though, he's just bleeding you dry and giving you absolutely nothing. Your self-esteem is sure to rocket if you leave him.

You will only make the move when you are ready to do so k850 - unfortunately there is no pill that you can take, but trust me when I say you will wake up one day and KNOW it's time x