Marriage Over - is it my fault ?- what can I do?

[LtEveDallas]

Well, it looks like my marriage is over, and I dont know how to feel. I've no-one really to talk to - cant talk to family, girlfriends would be biased. I dont know what to do.

Been married 5 yrs, and with H for another 3. We have a DD (4.5). I also have a DSD (14) from H previous marriage.

It all kicked off this weekend. It was my leaving 'do' from work (we are moving back to UK in 2 weeks). H was invited and I was geared up to get a babysitter, but he decided a week before not to go. He has done this a lot recently, not wanted to go out, stopped going to a weekly quiz night, stopped going to the pub on Fridays. Nothing at my instigation.

Well I was late, and I was drunk. I admit that and I apologised. I had said I would be on the last transport - so home by midnight, but didnt get home till 1am.

He has accused me of having an affair. He says I dont know when to stop drinking and that I cant control myself when I am drunk.

Yep, I can (and do) go over the top, but not often, hardly ever (prob why I go over the top when I do). He drinks every night and is usually slurring his words by 8 and in bed by 9 - even if we have guests.

I have never ever cheated on him and wouldn't. He says I have. Cited 3 incidents where he says I was doing 'the closest thing to cheating' and that I had reached '3 strikes and youre out'

First one was in 2001. He was overseas, I was working away from home. We had been 'a couple' for 2 months, but only in the same country for a couple of weeks. I was pissed off (and pissed up) on my birthday and had a 'birthday kiss' from his mate - I told H the next time we talked, I didnt see it as a biggie, he certainly didnt say anything at the time. He now says I snogged him. I probably did say that when I told him, but that really is a word I use - I dont mean that I was sticking my tongue down his throat - and I wasnt, but H says that was enough. TBH I didnt even remember this 'incident' until H mentioned it tonight - thats how much it meant to me.

Second incident was a few weeks ago. We were having a BBQ party - lots of mates round, lots of booze. Male friend (of both of us, wife is my BF) made some suggestive joke when I got squirty cream out of fridge. I sprayed it on him and licked it off his nipple . Wife was peeing herself, so was everyone else. I accept now that was prob very unacceptable behaviour. H is now saying that I looked at friend 'sexually' and that friend said 'oh I'm going hard now' I certainly dont remember that and didnt hear any comments. Again, nothing was said at the time and I didn't even think about it after. This couple used to be really good friends - but in the last few months H has been saying he doesnt want to keep in touch with them - I am gutted, she is my BF.

3rd incident is laughable, but not it seems to him. On Sat I was 'punished' all day. he went out to 'be on his own' four a few hours, when he came back he sat in garden on own for almost 2 hrs because a friend had come round to say goodbye. We had a steaming row at the end of the day which culminated in him saying he would help me and DD move back, but then he was leaving.

He's done this before so in the end I didn't defend myself, but agreed it was best option. He asked for an amount of cash as a 'pay off' and I agreed. He then turned it all around and said 'You planned this - you are going to make me out to be the bad one when its all you'. Kicked off a few more times then went to bed.

Any way on Sun he 'made up' with me, asked if we could forget the last night. Later that afternoon we had sex (he gets very sulky when we dont, we average once a week but recently have had lots of visitors / DD sleeping with us) It had been just over a week. Prior to sex I had a call on my mobile. It was a wrong number, he says he answered it and bloke said sorry mate, wrong number.

Later Sun evening after he had been drinking he suddenly blew up again and accused me of having an affair. We had been fine all afternoon. Says I had given my number out to bloke on phone. I hadn't, it really was a wrong number - bloody rotten coincidence. I really shouted at him this time (and in front of DD - I am ashamed of myself) and I think he knows he went too far. I took DD and went to bed early. He drank some more then went to bed himself.

Tonight he now says that bloke said my name first. I cannot see how that it true. I even phoned bloke back in front of H but he still doesnt believe me.

I just dont know what to think. Am I so bad? What on earth can I do to put this right, when I'm not sure what I've dont wrong. He is constantly sniping at me now and made some comment tonight about how his 'terms had changed'. But he never says what he means. I have been stewing over this all day, and wanted to talk to him tonight but he went to bed before DD, and I cant talk to him in front of her (last night as I was walking up the stairs with her she said 'you and daddy have been shouting, you should say sorry' and I snapped 'Daddy never says sorry'. I know I shouldnt have, but he really doesnt - I dont think I have ever heard that word. Well tonight she said to him, out of the blue 'why dont you ever say sorry daddy' and it started him off again')

There have been loads of things wrong with our marriage, but I cannot believe it is all over. I'm about to move countries, leave friends, new home, DD starting school 2 days after we get to UK, new job in 4 weeks and now I've got to factor in childcare / single parentism / weekend access and everything.

I feel like I'm going mad. Christ what do I do?

An average of five cans of lager a night will mean he's doing between 70 and 100 units of alcohol a week depending on the size of the cans and the strength of the lager. That's a lot of booze. When my ex was regularly drinking at that level it noticeably changed her personality and not for the better.

I can't say if your H is an alcoholic right now - that will only become apparent if he tries to stop but can't - but if he's not addicted already he's most definitely heading in that direction. It's also quite possible that he's drinking more than you are necessarily aware of (eg, before he comes home or while eating his midnight snacks)

More importantly, whether your H is an alcoholic is somewhat irrelevant to you. Living with someone who's in bed, drunk, by 9pm every night means that there's little opportunity for spending quality time together. There is most definitely a drink problem in your relationship in that your H's drinking is causing problems.

The tough part for you to appreciate is that there's sod all you can do about that - his drinking is his choice and his responsibility. Your choice and your responsibility comes down to deciding whether you want that in your and your children's lives and under what circumstances, or if you don't. I'd agree that some personal counselling for you would likely help you enormously in deciding what to do next.

There are ways of protecting yourself from the affects of someone else's drink problems while still maintaining a relationship (Al-Anon, the friends and family spin-off of Alcoholics Anonymous is a good start for this, as is Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependent No More") but it can be very hard work and you always need to bear in mind that it's about emotionally detaching from the drama rather than getting someone else to stop drinking too much. But I do think you do need to talk this through with a counsellor first.

It really doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of this relatinship. Whether he's an alcoholic or not, he is making your life miserable (ie it doesn;t really make a difference to your wellbeing whether he is 'ill' or just lazy and selfish and unkind). It is possible to maintain a working co-parent realtionship that means your DD still sees her dad without you having to put up with him snoring away on the sofa, raiding the fridge and ranting drunken nonsense at you all the time.
I think you should definitely see a solicitor and get some advice about the practicalities of getting rid of him - even if you decide that;s not what you want to do right now it is very handy to have all the facts at your fingertips (tiresome men are very fond of making threats to leave you penniless, take the children, make your life hell etc so it is good to know that they can't actually do this and how to stop them).

Well I've tried to see if there is any way to get counselling before we leave, but no joy. Most Counsellors are on hols and those that are left have full schedules.

I have got the names and numbers of services back in UK tho' so will look again once we have moved. Hell, it's expensive isnt it?

I've never done this before. Should I be going through my doctor? I will be registering with a new practice once I get to UK, but wont that be a bit much "Hi my names LtEve, I'm new and I need counselling already"

It's hard to ask for help.

I've had a look at the Al-Anon website, and it scares me to see I tick almost all the boxes. Especially the "covering up someones drinking" type statements. There are 2 meetings a week easily accessable from where we will be living, so its another idea.

I dont know what to do now. Do I approach him and risk it all blowing up again, do I do nothing and push him into leaving, do I back down completely and try to see a counsellor before making my decision.

(You wouldnt believe that I run a department, deal in £10000's and am considered very senior would you? I sound like such a bloody wuss - I would have given me a slap by now)

What a nightmare. His behaviour is totally not ok. You being an hour late and being drunk is not something any reasonable person would be angry about. He is paranoid and unreasonable, immature, sexually demanding and inconsiderate of you, bullying, spoilt, selfish in his behaviour, drinks far too much, doesn't consider your feelings, controlling, unpleasant to and about other people, need I go on?

Yes, the cream thing was OTT. My DH would not have liked that. But it was a small transgression, and if it's part of your personality he should have brought it up with you long ago if he didn't like it.

You can contact relationship counsellors directly, the GP prob not the best route. So is he saying he won't come back to the UK with you? When do you start work? Sounds like you have a financial cushion so you should be able to sort childcare quite quickly. You then need to look at your housing options etc. Being a single parent is hard, but life with a prick like this will be harder, and your daughter won't thank you for it.

Assuming you're paying for counselling (which in this situation you'd have to anyway) then you don't need to go through your GP.

I think you need to stop blaming yourself and stop looking at what you did wrong.

He is trying to control you through guilt and making you question everything you do - you can't live like this going forward - if you imagine a life without him, without treading on eggshells, without him drunk in bed at 9, without him demanding sex - how does it feel?

What made him start drinking so much or did he always? was he better when you lived elsewhere.

Counselling can be expensive although it is (in my opinion) money very much well spent. Al-Anon is free bar a voluntary contribution of a couple of quid towards the tea kitty. Al-Anon helped me somewhat in coming to terms with the realities of my relationship with my alcoholic ex; one-on-one counselling worked a lot better for me.

I'd say that confrontation is utterly pointless. Instead, I'd recommend looking into the setting of boundaries - a good overview is available here. The point of a boundary isn't really to do with getting someone else to stop doing something that you don't like. What someone else chooses to do is fundamentally none of your business. The point of boundaries is to make it clear what behaviour you will personally accept from anyone and, if that line is transgressed, to have an escape plan to remove yourself from behaviour you find unacceptable.

Thank you for all your messages, sorry I haven't been back.

It all got worse yesterday we argued most of the afternoon and into the evening and ended up in a slanging match at midnight in which I was called an unfit mother amongst a lot of other things and he said he was going to take my DD off me.

He reckons that he would easily be awarded custody. First he said he was taking her now (demanded I booked him a flight for the weekend - I refused), then he said he would get us into our new house and 2 weeks later leave with DD. I tried to keep calm and said something like 'The law states the child has to stay with the mother until the court decides otherwise' and he believed me. He ended up saying he would have loads of people in court all able to say he should have her.

Logically I know this is all bullshit. I know he doesnt even want her, he just wants to hurt me, but christ it really does hurt. He also scares me - some of the things he is saying sound completely deranged and off the wall. He actually said that he thought we were going to have sex yesterday afternoon, but that I let him down ("You had a chance to appease me and you blew it"). Sex? He asked for a divorce the night before, had snapped at me and put the phone down on me the next moring, we had barely spoken 2 words since I had been home - but I was going to have sex with him? In what world is that likely?

I suggested counselling to him. Exactly as suggested here and got the answer I was expecting - not a chance ("People like you need counselling because you are stupid, I analyse people all the time and know more than them").

I still think I might need it though. Its only now that I have realised exactly how muuch he has been able to isolate me, and how conditioned I am to the way he talks to me etc. I think I need to know how I have let that happen - for my own piece of mind.

I'm sad, tired, scared and lonely - but I think I have a plan, just need to see if I've got the balls.

Was he pissed when he did all this ludicrous threatening?
He's now lashing out wildly, because you're beginning to stand up to him, and he doesn't know how else to carry on controlling you.
It sounds like what he's saying is now just completely bonkers, so there's little point in listening to it or worrying about it, unless he starts physically threatening you.

I'm not sure if there are any practical reasons for you to still be living there, but if I were you I'd get the f78k out of there (tomorrow!), set up home on your own and limit your and the kids contact with him. He sounds like he's spiralling out of control.

The money and legal stuff aren't the issue, and there's no point in worrying about them now. The most pressing point is actually getting away from him.

Of course you've got the balls. This is all wrong, and we'll hold your hand if you can't afford the counselling.

I cant get out of here until after next week - flight is booked. I've decided that until I am back in UK I am going to go back into my shell - "Yes H, no H" - because the atmosphere around my DD is poisonous and I can already see it affecting her.

I dont want to - Its like the scales have fallen, so I dont really want to blind myself again, but what else can I do? I can't have DD feeling the way I do.

Once I am in UK I can look at childcare / counsellor / solicitor. Cant do that from here. I will feel safer in UK and it will be easier to get away.

Following Mondays scene I am more scared that he will get physical, but I could cope with that if I have to (I think). I couldnt cope if he snatched DD so have taken her passport and my credit cards to work and left them there.

Sounds melodramatic, but he has actually scared me and I dont think he is altogether rational. He has started saying that I have been controlling and abusive to him but 'now the worm has turned' - I am so confused, but maybe that is the point? I'm finding it hard to keep up the facade, and am dreading him asking for sex (which he will, he is already hinting. What will I do, say yes just to keep the peace or no and risk rocking the boat again).

My Internet is getting cut off at home tomorrow (although will still be able to get on at work for a few days) so I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has posted here. You have really helped - I am to think how much - it's almost like I have been walking through a mist for all these months.

I am sad, really sad but DD comes first. Just gotta keep going for a while.

Thank you - really

Good move with the passports and credit card. I think you're right to focus on getting back to the UK and sorting things out then.

Re the sex, if you bear it, it might be as well to lie back and think of England (literally!)

Can you get the flight brought forward, even if you have to pay extra? Buy a new ticket? It would be worth it to save yourself a week of hell.

Please report back when you can.

I wouldn't have sex with him, wouldn't it be soul destroying?
He would be completely using you!
I would bring the flight forward for you and your dd only and not tell him.

Cant bring flight forward, work pay for it. They pay for everything.

Sat at listened to him talk 'at me' for 2 hours last night. All a total re-hash of everything he has said before, over and over again.

I was completely passive, barely spoke except to agreee with him. At one stage did say - "Look, you obviously cannot drop this, shall we just admit that it's not going to work and go our seperate ways amicably?" Wrong thing to say, got another lecture on how Me and DD were his whole life, he didn't need anyone else, He was loyal to his friends and family and that I had betrayed that - It was my fault all this has happened and it was up to me to appease him and make it all better - I should show him enough loyalty to try harder and not just give up.

I told him I was scared of him and that since the weekend everything he said sounded like a threat. He said 'Good, maybe that is what you need'. He also started raving about how he had 'killed people for less' and I should 'consider yourself lucky I'm a gentleman'.

Eventually I was allowed to go to bed, but he ordered me to cuddle him. Thank god DD was there or I think he would have wanted more (not that he would have got it up!).

Crap nights sleep and when I got up at 5 he was already downstairs. Felt my heart sink. Faffed about for as long as poss, but eventually had to go downstairs. Made cuppa and sat down and he said "We forgot to do something through our troubles - my mums birthday" (it was on Tue) I said "Well you'll have to phone her then, and quickly before phone is cut off" he said "Well I will have to tell her what you have done then to explain" I agreed (wrong thing to do) because I then had another half hour of "We need to put this to bed, you dont know how I feel" etc etc and a rehash of EVERYTHING he said last night (and the night before).

Was a relief to come to work - but now I am knackered, grumpy and totally out of sorts.

So, no internet this weekend at home. Should be able to get on at work next week, and if I can find a WiFi signal. Flying out of here next weekend. Reckon it could be 2 weeks till internet set-up in new house.

I'm going to come here whenever I can, and promise to let you know when I escape.

Thanks all xx

so what if work pay for your flight - can't you buy another one? Confide in HR that you urgently need to do so for personal reasons? Invent a sick relative at home if you don't want to discuss the real situation (although it might be good to tell them - secrecy feeds abuse).

I don't want to get too bogged down on this issue, but I don't like the sound of what's happening at the moment.

Sounds like hell, the lectures etc ffs, try and switch off mentally if theres no way if you can get out of there sooner.

Just try and stay out of the house as much as possible, grit your teeth and act smiley and breezy (if at all possible) until that damn flight.