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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner with mental health issues i dont no what to do!!

22 replies

100Janine100 · 17/08/2009 17:13

I have been with my partner for 2 years and im now 29wks pregnant. He has been honest with me from the start that he has mental health issues, and i excepted this.A couple weeks ago we got a puppy and he was staying with him, my partner got into a fight and got beat up, this all happened while he was on a motorway after the fight he chucked our puppy in front of a car and he has died i am deeply devastated by this but i don't no what to do. My partner can't remember anything that happened he had a mental blackout.He has been sectioned i dont whether to leave him because i know what he has done is very sick but i also no he needs help, if i leave him i know for certain that he'll attempt to kill himself.This might be weiord to put this up here but my mind isn't working properly right now and i really really need some advice please help me (this happene a few days ago) thank you

OP posts:
RealityIsDetoxing · 17/08/2009 17:18

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dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 17/08/2009 17:18

If he has been sectioned, then he will be in hsopital and getting some help (which is much needed by the sounds of it). Sorry about your puppy that is awful.

Now you need to thin about whether you wish to continue the relationship and also to find out exactly what his diagnosis is. i.e a chronic ongoing illness or a breakdown of sorts.

rookiemater · 17/08/2009 17:22

Hello, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I can't pretend to be any sort of expert other than I had an ex that got sectioned.
Your first priority must be yourself and your unborn DC.

Perhaps the medical professionals will be able to give you more info about what triggered this and if its likely to happen again, I would be very very nervous about leaving a baby in this mans company.

Do you have anyone in real life that can support you ?

Original poster
100Janine100 · 17/08/2009 17:29

I no that our relationship has been tarnished and it will never be the same but he has absolutely no one and if i leave i no that, that will be it 4 him and i don't want my child to grow up not knowing her dad i never excpected him 2 do anything like this which makes it worst i knew he had problems but nothing to this extent i feel like i have a duty to stand by him n try to help him get through this

OP posts:
dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 17/08/2009 17:31

i can understand that 100j but also you do need to think about yourself and the baby. You need a proper diagnosis from the hospital and then to talk to someone professional yourself.

RealityIsDetoxing · 17/08/2009 17:31

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2009 17:41

Janine

You also need help and support too. Have you talked at any length with the people who have sectioned your partner?. Sectioning is not done at all lightly.

You are not responsible for him and his ongoing mental health issues; only your own self and your child. It is not your duty to try and help this man and fix him - he is not your project to try and fix. You cannot act as his enabler or saviour - think you have tried both roles to date. Are you only staying because you think he will kill himself if you leave?. He has managed to live day to day without you before now and will continue to do so.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 17/08/2009 17:44

I am someone who is very understanding of mental health issues but this sounds like someone I have experience of. (talking in vague terms wondering if the Mail is reading) but you need to pack your bags and leave.

Disenchanted3 · 17/08/2009 17:44

Please don't go back to him, if he is capable of throwing a puppy under a car then he is not someone you should be involved with ESPECIALLY with a baby!

hobbgoblin · 17/08/2009 17:48

You are not duty bound to rescue him. Your first responsibility is to your child and to yourself not him. Though it is tough to be suffering mentally this still does not mean that others are responsible for you.

I've been on both sides of this. My DS's father had mental health problems and was abusive to me, as a result I ended up with severe depressive illness after 5 years of putting up with his issues.

Don't do it to yourself.

Does he have a diagnosis? Also, from my understanding I'd say be wary of allowing him to use mental ill health as an excuse for appalling behaviour. The only real mental health issue that could contribute to killing a living thing unknowingly is psychosis and even then psychotic episodes rarely involve unprovoked violence towards innocent parties. It is more likely that he struggles - perhaps with a mental condition/personality disorder - and the frustration of that is leading him to abuse others in his quest to deal with a difficult time of it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/08/2009 19:16

Echo hobbgoblin. You need to know what he has been diagnosed with in order to make a decision. If he has a personality disorder you need to get out now. Acts of cruelty and impulsive hurtful acts are classic behaviours associated with PDs and sadly, it's 'untreatable' - at least by meds. Life with someone with a PD is awful - trust me. A psychotic episode could be more positive - there are people who experience psychosis for whatever reason that go on to live a healthy life with medication - it's not necessarily bags of fun but it is safe. However, psychosis can be part of schizophrenic presentation which is more complex.

In any case - you are not responsible for him. If he comes out of hospital with a real wish to help himself get better, take it from there. If he appears in denial, or claims he doesn't need his meds, or minimises the affect it has on you, him or his life, you need to leave him. Your child is more important. A person with entrenched and untreated mental health problems is a risky parent - and he has shown himself capable of cruelty in the highest degree.

I feel for you, but your baby, and you, are more important in this.

victoriascrumptious · 17/08/2009 20:00

Having a mental health issues does not make you a danger to others...

....chucking little puppies out of cars DOES.

Leave him. His mh issues are fuck all to do with him being a cunt

warthog · 17/08/2009 21:10

you have to put your baby first.

so he had a black out and killed a puppy. do you want to live in fear that it could be your dc next? sorry to raise the idea, but you seriously need to think about that.

you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for him.

you cannot fix him.

you have every duty to make sure your dc is brought up in a healthy and safe environment.

it is HIS choice as to what he does with his life. it is NOT your problem.

SolidGoldBrass · 17/08/2009 22:48

I would strongly advise you to get some kind of counselling or therapy or support for yourself. I have a strong suspicion that you have been mistreated or neglected in the past: something has certainly happened to make you feel your welbeing comes second to the wellbeing of an abusive loon. It's not possible to maintain a relationship with someone whose mental health problems lead them to do things like kill animals. It's not safe.
ou don't havea duty to stand by him, you cannot help him. Only properly trained professionals can help him. You need to help yourself and your unborn baby.

Original poster
100Janine100 · 18/08/2009 01:31

bump

OP posts:
RealityIsDetoxing · 18/08/2009 08:32

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mankyscotslass · 18/08/2009 08:38

I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone else.

You need to get oout.

Yes he needs help, but from professionals, not you. You are not responsible for him.

What if at the next blackout it's the baby that gets thrown?

echt · 18/08/2009 10:08

For the OP; in your special circumstance, you've received good advice. He needs help you can't give. Your priorities are yourself and your child.

You do not specify what your DP's mental health issues, which he announced early, actually were.

The way I see it is, would you find it OK if he said he was drug addict or a workaholic or an ex-wife beater "working through his issues"? The point about this is not that these folk are out of bounds, though they would be for me, but that their announcing them up-front does not mean you'll be able to deal with them. I would focus on eliminating the obviously fucked-up. Like your DP.

Ex-drug addicts need not infest this thread telling me how people change. Mostly they don't.

NicknameTaken · 18/08/2009 10:16

It's unanimous, Janine. You can't put your baby in a dangerous situation. You just can't.

MadameOvary · 18/08/2009 10:29

Anyone who can chuck a helpless animal under a car is insane/damaged/dangerous enough to hurt you and your unborn baby.

My ex used to have "blackouts" too where he claimed not to remember what had happened. He was taken away by the police on my request after he claimed to have taken an overdose, and made to see a mental health team.

This was in between between physically and emotionally abusive to me.
You do not owe this man anything, but you owe your unborn baby and yourself a safe and healthy life.

You will not get one with this man.

somewhathorrified · 18/08/2009 10:53

You can only make a decision on this once you have all the facts. Talk to your partners shrink, tell him your concerns and see what they have to say.

ErikaMaye · 18/08/2009 11:49

Do you know what he is being treated for, and what Act he is sectioned under? You need to talk to his physc. team, and his care co-ordinator.

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