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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't want to hurt anyone but i hate myself!

22 replies

starinsky · 14/08/2009 18:06

I am in such a muddle. I have been with dh for 25 years since i was 17. We have 2 dds 15 and 16. He works away a lot on business so a lot of the time I bought the girls up on my own. I was always in love with dh have always loved him still do love him but I think i have totally and utterly fallen in love with someone else and they me. I have tried to put this person out of my mind, have gone on romantic holidays and meals with dh. He has no idea, in fact i think he is more in love with me than he ever was.
I don't want for anything. Have money,big house 2 cars, and am spoilt rotten but i cannot get this other man out of my mind.
He is single, he is not good looking like dh not that that matters i mean its not a lust thing, we just connect.
We have tried not to have contact but it is hard where we live.
I have felt like this for year and have done nothing. I have not slept with this man it is not about that but i just want to be wwith him. But it would break dhs heart it would also split my family but i cant go on like this much longer i will crack up soon. I am selfish and i hate myself and even if i stay with dh i will always know that I love someone else. And i do love him. I think I am going crackers.

OP posts:

K999 · 14/08/2009 18:17

I dont know what to say. But you are playing a dangerous game. I presume you dont love your dh anymore??

Mamulik · 14/08/2009 18:22

you going to regret leaving your husband, for sure

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 18:25

I do love him like affectionately but i honestly dont know if i wd care if he met someone else. He loves me so much I know i dont love him the same back i wish i did. I am actually relieved when he goes away so I can be alone to think.
I know I am playing a dangerous game i have not slept or eaten properly for months. Never tht this wd happen to me. He would be gutted if he knew. Just feel like i will never be happy again.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 14/08/2009 18:27

Would you be prepared to move away from this man to give you and your dh a chance?

I think your DH working away is the main problem, you sound like you are fed up of being alone so much and want someone you can share your life with day to day? Who can blame you, you get married so you can share your life with someone so I guess it's natural eventually to want to do just that. Is it possible for your dh to change jobs so he is at home more? (probably not in this climate BUT if it would save your marriage?)

I take it telling your dh what's going on isn't something you want to do?

K999 · 14/08/2009 18:27

What is it that you think you can get from this new man that you cant get at home?? It may seem exciting now but believe me, the upset that you will cause by leaving your DH will he enormous.....I am sure you know this but sometimes its easy to get carried away iyswim??

LoveMyGirls · 14/08/2009 18:28

Oh so you prefer being alone. I have read it totally wrong.

What does this man have that your dh doesn't?

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 18:35

No way would i tell my dh at the moment. Only if i acted on it, i wd have to. He wouldnt move away he loves it here. The om works aways sometimes as well so I wd still be alone tbh i quite like my time alone.He has worked away since i met him and i am very independent.
K999 dont know what the om has got. His personality i dont know. He tells me constantly what i stand to lose , tells me hes there if i want him but knows this is wrong. I thought about him day and night for the past year though, when i am on holiday, when dh is here, when he is away, i dont know how to stop.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 14/08/2009 18:40

We all want what we can't have. It's old cow new cow syndrome. You have been with your dh for 25 years along comes someone who flatters you and thinks you're attractive, yes you're dh loves you etc but he's like a pair of old slippers, comfy, reliable, there when you want them. If he is such a good catch how come he isn't married yet? Is it because he is waiting for you?

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 18:46

He is divorced been divorced a few years now. I have always had male attention though. Have a good social life dont mean it arrogantly but always been told im very attractive but would never have dreamt of acting on it. But for some reason this man just spoke to me and whack it was like i had been hit on the head. I know what you are saying is right, i have tried to snap myself out of it. I feel like i am not me anymore.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 14/08/2009 18:49

How would you really feel if he did have an affair and you didn't have this bloke on stand by though?

I think you need to tell your dh before this goes any further because I would want to know if my dp was in love with someone else even if he hadn't acted on it.

Your dh may get upset etc but then he also might help you through this, it could bring you closer, stronger etc but without you having actually done anything to be ashamed of. He may suprise you and suggest you move away, he knwos you better than we do so if anyone can help you I think it will be your dh.

TeamEdward · 14/08/2009 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K999 · 14/08/2009 18:51

How old is he? (The OM)

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 18:59

He is 48 I am 43. Maybe i will tell dh because yes i do feel guilty just having these feelings. Ive got to pull myself together either that or do something about it. If he had an affair I wd be upset yes but even before the om looking back dont think I have been that happy for about 3 years. Dont get me wrong dh isnt perfect either. He can get quite spiteful sometimes especially when he has been drinking but lately has made a special effort, i think he has noticed a change in me. He also finds it hard to relate to the girls think because he has spent so much time away from them. Cant stand their friends round and the noise so on. When he is not here all is fine. Still I know that is no excuse.

OP posts:

K999 · 14/08/2009 19:02

Look, I am not going to tell you what to do. How can I? But I do know what it is like to be in a shit marriage. Not sure if that is what you have though.....and the grass always seem greener...

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 19:12

Yes you are right k999 just had to tell someone not told a soul I am riddled with guilt. My mum died 3 years ago unexpectedly make me think sod it life is too short but that is so selfish.
Suppose my marriage isnt shit but if i was happy why feel like this? I met my dh when I was 14 though did go out with others sbut have never been alone. Not sure if you can outgrow someone?

OP posts:

K999 · 14/08/2009 19:14

You can 'outgrow' someone I suppose....but why not try and fall back in love with your DH? Your DCs are older now, you have time to enjoy each other again???

ideasplz · 14/08/2009 19:18

you dont know om very much, so can you really say you love him? or is it lust?

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 19:39

Maybe i should try with my dh i don't know. It is def not lust we have talked so much there is just this connection. I suppose I have too much too throw away.

OP posts:

K999 · 14/08/2009 19:40

Starinsky.....only you can decide. Only you know how you truly feel. If the OM is saying that you have too much to lose, do you think that he really wants you to leave your DH?

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 19:59

Oh he def does says he feels guilty for approahing me he was drunk first time he did it. Apologised next time he saw me was mortifed. Somehow we got talking and it all started. He now says he loves me so much does not want to devastate my life but if i want him he is there but he wants me to be onehundred percent sure.

OP posts:

K999 · 14/08/2009 21:09

Oh god Starinsky...I dont envy you!! I really cant give you the answers (in some ways I wish I could) but I dont know your circs (in depth)......all I can do is wish you well!!!!

Original poster

starinsky · 14/08/2009 21:35

Thanks so much k999 i swing from one thought to another but it help to talk about it. One good think i lost weight over this with the worry! Thanks for listening i know there is a hell of a lot at stake here and no one can decide for me, i will be absolutely sure of any decision i make.

OP posts:

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