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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Incompetant boyfriend :(

23 replies

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 13:07

My lovely bf is coming back from working abroad for 6 months in September but I'm really worried about having sex again as he is incompetant (spelling?). Every time we get to the point of having sex he just completely deflates. We can't have any fun with foreplay because he'll just go down before the sex happens and the minute we try anything he just goes down. I'm the only person who's made him orgasm. And I've only managed that once.

I care about him a lot, but every time we get around to trying it just ends up with both of us feeling really disappointed, frustrated and upset and it makes me feel really unattractive. Yes I know that is entirely unreasonable, which is why I try hide my feelings from him but on occasion I just end up not being able to speak to him after it because it's either that or me crying on him, and either way I hate making him feel worse about it than he already does, as it really does affect him.

He wasn't that experienced before me, having only had sex a handful of times and every other time he's slept with somebody he's been drunk. We're both positive that it happens because he used body building (legal) 'supplements' a lot throughout the past few years. And I also think it's somewhat psychological. I'm going to try get him to see somebody with me when he gets back if I get a chance (I also have sexual problems which definately are psychological, so that doesn't help either) but have no idea what to do apart from that.

It really puts a strain on our relationship when we do get to spend time together as we really do love each other, but the constant disappointment and upset makes it beyond difficult. We're both only 20 which makes it feel even worse, the fact that we're both young still and yet have problems in bed It was at the point before he left that I felt it would be the end of us as we both were really frustrated

What can I do? We have spoken about it at great length, how it makes us feel but neither of us are sure what we can do about it, it makes us both feel like we're bad partners and we both really want to experiment in bed and it stops us doing that too What can we do? Any idea is welcome!

OP posts:

squilly · 14/08/2009 13:32

I don't have any experience or help for you. Perhaps you need to find a health specialist for him? I would be thinking about professional help if you think the relationship is worth saving...

I hope someone sees this who can give you proper advice or can relate.

You have my sympathies...this must be a really difficult situation.

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 13:47

I think a main problem (for us both) is the professional help and finding time to do it. When he gets back he'll in Shropshire and I'll be in Gloucs, neither of us will have that much time off (I get weekends, he gets one day a week any day) and we're really bad at procrastinating. I'm thinking of getting him to go the first time I see him again, as it's then or pretty much not at all, but I don't want to ruin our time together after so long with such serious business

OP posts:

cocolepew · 14/08/2009 13:52

Do you mean impotent? I think he needs to see his GP. Does he still take 'supplements'?

MaggieBelleVirgo · 14/08/2009 13:54

Is it possible that he's gay? sorry to say that so bluntly, btu I went out with a gay man in my late teens and he never really wanted to have sex, as that was usually how it ended up. I didn't recognise the signs at the time. Now that I've been round the block a little more, I don't know how I didn't see it at the time. But I suppose we were compatable. I wouldn't say this if your bf were 55, but you're right, at 20 it's so unusual.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 14/08/2009 13:55

cocolepew, I thought that was a cute mistake!! given that a lot of husbands on the relationships board are incompetent

cocolepew · 14/08/2009 13:57

Me too!

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 14:17

omg, I can't believe I made that mistake Sorry, I haven't had any sleep

He hasn't taken any of supplements since last year now, though plans to go back onto safer ones next year I think?

Being honest, I do think he is gay sometimes. I know he's somewhat curious and very embarrassed to admit it, though swears that he doesn't really find men attractive. I have asked him outright on numerous occasions, though he never gets too flustered by me asking, which I'd expect someone hiding it would? I'm bi and very open about it and we've spoken about that a lot also, and I've reassured him that if he did lean the other way I wouldn't find anything wrong with it, but he just thinks that I'm coloured by previous assumptions about him (he never slept wth anyone on site last season at all and is an ex-Marine, so you can imagine what was said about him!)

I'm attracted to him partialy because he is a bit more in touch with his feminine side, and sometimes I can't help but wonder if the reverse could be the same for him, that he's attracted to me because I'm more of a tom boy? I will actualy ask him that now

Still no idea what to do about the impotentence though

OP posts:

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 14:18

impotence My god, I'm not doing good today!

OP posts:

morningpaper · 14/08/2009 14:21

What is his taking? Basically, yes he is probably taking something that is knackering his body. I imagine he needs to stop taking it and try and let his body recover... He needs the care of a GP - you don't need to accompany him - and a proper health check including blood tests to check that everything is functioning okay and he's not nuking his liver or something...

MaggieBelleVirgo · 14/08/2009 14:28

PixiNanny, if it's even crossed your mind, I bet you have your answer there. He may not have admitted it to himself yet though.

But I'm a lot older than you and I hope that doesn't sound horribly patronising, but 18 years older, and I've had a fair few boyfriends, and apart from that first one, I'#ve never, ever wondered even fleetingly if they were gay.

my x (the gay one) was lovely, he was so chatty and we really were very close at the time. I still think of him really fondly and some of my other x's I couldn't say the same......

I don't think he's attracted to you because you're masculine-looking. He probably sees you through the World's eyes at the moment. EG, not only does he like you as a person and feel close to you, but he can acknowledge quite easily and recognise that you are an attractive girl.

I don't know if you should put him on the spot by asking if he finds you attractive because you're boyish, or anything like that.

For older men with impotency problems, the advice is to avoid actual intercourse. Maybe you could just not push sex at all for awhile when he comes back (not that I imagine you'd be dragging him into toilet cubicles demanding sex now)!!

I don't know what you should actually DO though. He probably hasn't admitted to himself that he's gay yet.

Maybe you could say to him that you feel that if the two of you ever did split up as a couple taht you'd still have a good friendship..... leave it open for him to digest that.

SerendipitousHarlot · 14/08/2009 14:32

Pixi, he says that

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 15:08

He's not taking anything at the moment, personally I think it's left over damage from what he was taking and then pyschological, as I said before :/ I know I don't need to go to the docs with him but he seems to prefer it that way :/

Serendipitous: I don't think he's straight, definately not, and he knows that he's curious, I just don't think he's gay either, at least, not completely. I do question that on occasion though, especially in the bedroom because of this problem, which is the only thing really that makes me question his sexuality as I now know him, whereas before it was speculation as the why he wasn't a bit of a whore like the rest of us, and because he's an ex-Mainre, and you know what they say about them, iyswim?

Maggie: I know you make perfect sense, but at the same time, my irrational side is saying that it's not what I want to hear even if I did ask for it Thank you for being honest and blunt about it though. I'm supposed to be living with him in January (both going back to PGL together) so I'm a bit more than worried as it would be hard to get away from one another on site in a different country if we do break up, but it's our only option in order to be together!

I do think he's not entirely straight and have been honest with him about that, though I'm not sure what sort of ratio it is, which is what worries me :/ The only thing that I have to back up my idea is the fact that we can't have sex, mainly his problems stopping us though mine aren't much better

OP posts:

fuckadoodledoo · 14/08/2009 15:30

How about trying Viagra? have you not considered it yet?

fuckadoodledoo · 14/08/2009 15:33

Sorry to blurt in, my ex was impotent, did ev
erything , councilling, doctors, injections,
viagra was released toward the end of our relationship, it worked physically, but by then the damage was done .... (7 years of it!)

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 15:39

We've spoken about viagra actually, but I think he's embarrassed to buy it for it's intended purpose (rather than to take it for a joke, which is what he has done in the past!) I will bring it up again whilst seeing if there's another option to help in the long term. Does viagra do any long term damage do you know? I really know nothing about it, which has also put me off of finding a way to get it! Does it allow them to orgasm?

OP posts:

midnightexpress · 14/08/2009 15:41

Have you considered getting some psycho-sexual councilling? It sounds to me as if viagra may not be the best first option, as there may be non-physical issues that need dealing with. I don't know what area you're in, but in our city there is an excellent NHS sexual health clinic, with hub clinics around the city, and it offers all sorts of services, including psycho-sexual help. You can self-refer, so don't need to go through your GP if you don't want to. But I'd suggest GP as first approach if you can.

fuckadoodledoo · 14/08/2009 15:43

Don't think there's any health implications,
and yes orgasm is definately the end result! he could get it prescribed by his GP

fuckadoodledoo · 14/08/2009 15:46

my ex,s probelm was non physical, we did the councilling.... didn't help at all..

midnightexpress · 14/08/2009 15:50

fuckadoodledoo, I mentioned it though because the OP discussed the possibility of her bf being gay. Viagra alone would not solve their problem if that is the case . And she has also mentioned that she has psychological issues related to sex.

fuckadoodledoo · 14/08/2009 16:39

true true... definately can't hurt

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 17:11

I didn't even know that there was a thing suc as pyscho-sexual healing! It would make sense but I've never thought of it existsing before lol. I'll look into it definatey, I'm just hoping to get somewhere before January, which is when we move to France for 6 months I'll talk to sexual health clinic when I get back from visiting and see if I can sort something, even if it's only one visit it may still help.

My psychological issues would be very different to my bf's though I must admit, my first boyfriend forced me to have sex with him on a regular basis and I didn't have the guts to get rid of him for a long time, so I (very rarely) will have flashbacks, and it also makes it very hard for me to prepare my body for sex which is why the lack of the ability to do anything in foreplay is a big problem.

This is so confusing! I wish there could be a magic answer but there isn't! I know that my negative responses to his problem makes it worse for him in his head, but I can't control myself well enough to just not respond sometimes, usually after a while without sex but having tried. This was mainly a problem when we spent time together over Christmas, where we actually both had time off so were together for 3 weeks solid, and it just wasn't happening so we were both frustrated

OP posts:

cocolepew · 14/08/2009 17:17

Please tell him to be careful about what he is taking, my DH works with someone whose brother did weight training and had a heart attack at 38 due to taking supplements.

Original poster

PixiNanny · 14/08/2009 17:55

Yeah, I think this impotence thing has scared him off of over doing it and taking things that haven't been fully checked yet, etc. He mixed different things, had over doses of them and was basicaly a stupid teenager in regards to body building, started before he was 16 though brought the supplements at that age and done it religiously pretty much until this year, he's been ill on and off whilst in France so has stopped body building, and he stopped the supps last season because he ran out and couldn't afford more at the time and can't get hold of them in France. I'll try to limit what he takes next year as it can't be good for him at all

OP posts:

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