Has anyone ever confronted the OW? What did you do/say and did it help or make things worse?

[tiredoftherain]

After finding out that H's friendship with a colleague had crossed the line a couple of weeks ago, I've been fighting the urge to contact her. I have a couple of texts she sent from her phone, so know for sure that she was making a play for H, following her own marriage breakdown.

I will probably never know exactly what went on, and H denies any physical contact, I genuinely think it was more the start of an emotional affair which was caught in the early stages, but may well have progressed to more if her XH hadn't acted on his suspicions.

H has to work with this woman in an office of about 50 people, a long way from where I live. I will probably never have to see her again unless I visit his work for some reason. When it came out I wrote a long mail to her which I never sent, and am glad of that now! I do feel some need to contact her though, I've met her after she once came to our house for a meal (she seemed nice but seemed to be sussing me out), and know that while I was away for a weekend at a family funeral she brought her dc to my house (hundreds of miles from hers) and spent the day out with H and our children. This makes me livid beyond belief, although H had told me about it at the time, I had no idea the friendship had become "blurred" at that point or I would never have let it happen.

H and I are still deciding what we want to do, and are in counselling. Would you contact her? Will it bring any satisfaction to tell her what I think of her or should I just leave well alone? I don't expect to find out any more details, or get any reassurance, but it doesn't feel right that she can just crawl back into the woodwork without hearing from me at all.

[chickybabe]

Well TOTR, you know what I think about all this!!! When my H had an affair (with a total nutter btw!) I confronted her phone/text the lot....she still harasses me now, 3 years after i found out, so I didnt work well for me.

It gave me no joy, I couldnt get to her no matter what I said, because she held all the cards - she knew more than me, and blew all the "facts" out of proportion. As far as she was concerned, I had her man, can you beleive the cheek of it!!

Now we have split (not to do with her btw)i look back and realise I was doing it to distract myself from the fact I was trying to work on a marriage I didnt really want to be in, with a bastard man who was disrespectful enough to break his marriage vows.

As I have said before, from my experiance, the man damage controls, the ow controls the damage, it might make you feel better for a couple of days, but I can pretty much guarantee it will hurt you for longer. It is your H that broke his vows, and I know how angry you feel about the fact he couldnt have done it without her - she did know he was married and this seemed to make little difference to her, but it doesnt take away from what he has done.

I wouldnt want to see you get even more hurt by talking to her. Its of course up to you, but my advice would be to stay away, and not lower yourself.

xx

[tiredoftherain]

thanks again everyone, I've definitely decided not to contact her, but it's really interesting to hear all of your experiences. I definitely want to keep my dignity so will lie low and resist any urge to mail her.

I ordered a great book which somebody on here recommended called "Not just good friends" and that is helping enormously too.

Kally, I'm sorry you had such a rotten time but pleased you've recovered from it all now and moved on. You sound well rid of them both.

Chickybabe, thanks again for your support!!

[megmums]

Hi Tired i ordered that book too, waiting for it to arrive.....

I have the OW's number in my mobile, told H it is there, and I am avoiding red wine until i know i definately won't press the button!

I think if i was going to leave him for good then i would call her, but it will hurt her FAR MORE to know that he is still with me and she can't have him, that he chose me over her. Evil little cow that she is! Ha.

My H takes full responsibility, says it's not her fault or my fault that he strayed. But still, she must have been pretty nasty to get involved with a MM with a little girl. I do not understand the mentality of OW! Makes me soo angry, and has also damaged a close friendship i have as one of my best friends has recently been an OW.

Have you gone to Relate? Does it help? My H says he will do whatever it takes to help me get over this, so i may go.

[MaggieBeauLeo]

I wouldn't bother TOTR, I'm delighted for you that your albatross of an husband is somebody else's problem now. god love her. YOu can get on with your life in peace.

Don't look back.

[MaggieBeauLeo]

I'm sorry, I'm confusing you with the poster whose husband was depressed and she had to totally support him but wasn't allowed show any emotion herself . That couldn't be you could it?! You couldn't put up with an affair on top of the way he drained the life out of you?

I hope that this is a temporary lapse of sanity. Kick the arse out. Put him in the boot of your car and drive him to her house, then roll him out.

[tiredoftherain]

Maggie, no that wasn't me (for a change!)

Megmums, I think the book is great, spookily accurate in parts (even down to things we've said, scary how cliched we are), and it doesn't patronize either.

We are going to Relate, have just had first session (H sorted it all out) and I think it could be really useful, whether we stay together or not it helps you get your thoughts clear, and really does help to talk in front of someone impartial.

[megmums]

tired of the rain - the book arrived today, had a quick look and it does look very good, although going to bring up some painful emotions i'm sure.

My H looked at the relate site and was amazed at how much counselling costs, as he thought i was exagerating. I just said well if we need to go to save our marriage then it is a small price to pay.

Is your H still working away? Weirdly i trusted my H far more when he worked away, it wasn't until i moved to be with him full time that he strayed!

[tiredoftherain]

hi megmums, funny, it's the first time I've been on all day and your post just popped up! Glad you've got the book, it is uncomfortable reading in part, I had to keep dipping into it as it made me feel physically sick at times. It's just too real. Relate is really pricey but they do offer discounts if you need them.

H is still working away, but has cut down to 2 nights (from 4) and takes early and late flights to make sure he's not away any more nights than necessary. He's changed his schedule to do this, and it is making things a lot better. It feels like he lives at home now rather than in a hotel. I do still have a mild worry but he's been very good at calling me frequently and either answers instantly when I call, or returns the call within minutes. I think I now know that it was never a case of choosing between OW and me. It's just hard to know exactly what he's said to her, and also the knowledge that he can't avoid seeing her whenever he's in the office.

The more I speak to him about what happened, the more at ease I'm feeling about his side of things, although I will never trust OW around him as I have the texts from her point of view. If we work things out I'll always be more wary about his female friends too, which is a real shame but his own fault.

[StirlingTheTired]

I found that book amazing - it just summed up our situation and I found it helped me to understand alot of what had happened.

BTW Tired, just read your comment on Relate. We tried them but weren't impressed so I looked in the Yellow Pages under Counsellors and found some private ones locally - some cost quite a bit less than relate - give them a try but remember to make sure they are qualified

[YoVicko]

My DH left me and our DS for OW a year ago. However he's also been shagging me behind her back for all that time too. He told me he wanted to come back.

He strung me a line on why he couldn't leave her quite yet and when I could stand it no longer I e-mailed her about him and what he's been up to.

He left her v briefly and then went back and now it looks like we'll divorce.

i hate my DH for his behaviour towards me and feel stupid for allowing it. But I'm glad I e-mailed her - as macdoodle said "she knows that he is and always will be a liar and a cheat and I hope that it eats her alive!"

[HappyWoman]

tired - is there a way he could change jobs - it does sound as if he is making an effort to change his lifestyle though.

I think it is so important to know everything that went on and was said to her. Relate may be able to help with that.

I think my ow still thinks she has some sort of upper hand as there were things he told her at the time which i didnt know. He soon realised that would be wrong as so we had some pretty dreadful relate sessions.

I truly believe that there is nothing she could now tell me that i do not know - but if it gives her some comfort to think that i have enough grace to allow her that, after all she will know she was not only a fool like i was for believing him but she was also a total bitch and did betray me too, and hopefully she will live with those thoughts for a while.

Yes i was a fool - i am no longer. But i was and never will be as nasty and spiteful as she was.

Also my h wanted to move jobs once he realised what a prize prick he had been. He also can now see the dangers on having close relationships with woman at work too.

I think we are all capable of moments of weakness when we are flatered by the opposite sex - but we have both learned a lot about ourselves.

Good luck and hopefully your h can be totally open and honest with you and then the ow will be just nothing to you as you will believe she is nothing to him.

[BonsoirAnna]

Do not risk lowering yourself by speaking to your DH's OW.

However, write down your feelings as much as you like if it helps you to gain clarity.

Do not focus on the OW but on your DH and your marriage (if you want to save it).

[purplepeony]

Have not read every post- but my input is..

leave well alone. One question- how did you find out? You implied it was through the OW's EX-H? is that right- did he contact you?

It takes two to tango- so although she played her part, so did your DH.

You want to ven your splean or get some kind or revenge, but what will that gain? Your DH will be in contact with women til the day he dies- 50% of us are women! so unless you keep him ona lead you have to learn to trust- or not.

From what you say, it wasn't physical. emotional affairs are very common . That doesn't mean they don't hurt, but he is with you and you need t oput your energies into rebuiliding your relationship.

[whatdoyouallthink]

I made contact with my H's OW. I wish I hadnt, all she done was tell me things I didnt want to know and stirred things hugely between H and myself.

My H had left and was having months of dithering over what he wanted swearing he wasnt seeing her. I found out he had been seeing her all the time and rang her to inform her what had been going on between H and myself.

I was glad I did at the time but things she told me were pretty hard to hear and ended up causing so many rows between H and me. If I could go back I would probably leave her well alone. H managed to win her back round by telling her I was just a loon and my ringing and screaming and shouting at her kinda proved his point! Leave well alone, especially if your working things out with your H.

[mankymummymoo]

At the risk of getting flamed, just thought I'd post my experience of being the OW and getting a letter from his girlfriend.

She wrote a very concise reasonable letter letting me know what I had done to ruin her life. It also told me stuff I hadnt known that he had been doing or saying, he'd been lying to both of us.

I can remember some of the stuff she put in the letter to this day (and it was 23 years ago when I was 19.

Personally if you feel you need to write the letter and you think you can do it in the manner you want to be perceived then I dont think it is "losing dignity" to write to her. The only thing I would say is try and be clear about what you want to achieve by sending it because the most likely outcome is that she will ignore it (although I did reply to the one I was sent).

[HappyWoman]

The other thing to remember is that the relationship with the ow was always one of lies.
An affair by its nature has to be secret and not celebrated with the world. It is formed on lies from the start.

Once the ow accepts this, she knows what a fool she has been - of course the wife has been lied to during that time too but her only crime was often to be too trusting.

In a marriage there has been a public declaration of love to family and friends - and often many years of happy times and loyalty and trust.

It is easy for others to say he has ruined all that - but if he is truly sorry he will be able to make amends.

It is hard to continue - but i would imagine it would be equally hard to form a relationship that started on such a shallow footing - and lead to the breakdown of a family.

Try to take some comfort in the fact that he cared enough to not want to hurt you.

[midlandsmumof4]

Am ashamed to say I did the good old fashioned drink over the head. . When that didn't work I went to her house and invited her for a chat in my car (she was only 20 and lived with her parents). I asked where she saw the relationship going and apparently they were going to get a cosy little flat together. I pointed out that as he'd be paying both rent & mortgage, maintenance for the boys and me (I didn't work at the time-neither did she), I hoped he could still afford to take her out as often as she was acustomed. The flat would also need to be big enough for the lads (aged 11, 5, 4 & almost 3) as undoubtedly they would be staying over at weekends and holidays-the look on her face was priceless-she was horrified . It was even better when I took her to our house to show her he hadn't left. Don't know who was more shocked-him or her. Made me feel heaps better but I wouldn't recommend it to everyone.

[mslizzy]

i sent OW a quite juvenile text about her appearance . she sent one back saying "f**k off you awful person". i honestly felt horrible. i was so ashamed of myself. now that text will be part of her story and it will always be 'the married man and his awful wife'.

so if i were you i'd maitain my silence! but i know exactely how you feel! the ow in my case was quite young (22) and so quite resilient! it drove me crazy to see how quickly she moved on with her life, while my life was a mess.

[whatdoyouallthink]

midlandsmumof4 quite impressed that you managed to do all that calmly! No way could I have been that close to the OW.

The OW in my case has managed to stay calm and collected and it was me who was loosing it. She has more then likely come out of it all looking better then me which is really annoying especially since she is only young (19) and I expected her to loose it slightly too!

[ladylush]

I wrote an email to the ow (which she ignored) and also phoned her to fire questions at her. She mostly lied but h must have become re-acquainted with his conscience and told me the truth straight after I'd phoned her. I don't regret it. The only thing that pisses me off is that there was a spelling error in the email!

[wheniwishuponastar]

i dont think you should feel bad mslizzie - she was the one having the affair, you were being cheated on. she's the awful person, not you.

[ChocHobNob]

I did. We communicated by email for a very short time. She confirmed what my H had told me which was a relief to know what was coming out of his mouth was the truth. I stayed very calm, never called any names and I don't feel like I made a mistake doing it.

I also discovered from those emails and also emails between my H and her that she knew all along about me and our children and she knew full well my H had no intention of leaving us. Silly girl.