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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what the hell do i do?...

23 replies

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 11:05

Very long story....

My cousin's best friend, lets call him B was my fist love, but we never 'did' anything as kids- just fancied each other from a distance. When i first got together with my now DH (at age 17) he confessed to me that he loved me and i should be with him and not my DH... I just ignored him and carried on with DH, we eventually fell pregnant with DS (4.8yo) and got married and have since had 2 DD's (age 3.6yo and 6m)... I am very happy with DH and love him very much. I have told DH about how i thought i loved him when i was younger but nothing happened, and also told him what B said that night.

Here's the tricky part... about 2years ago B contacted me after getting my number from my cousin. He was just generally chatting etc, it was nice to be friends again. We still see each other a couple of times a year at family parties etc- he lived up the road from my grandma as kids and became 'part of the family'... he's still best friends with my cousin, and my cousin knows how B feels about me.

A couple of months ago he said he'd bought a house and wanted me to leave my DH and be with him- at this point i'd never given him any reason to think i had any feelings for him other than being friends. I said i'd not leave my Dh, i love him and he's the father of my 3 DC's. B said he was fine and we'd stay friends to stop anything being awkward etc. He wants to come to my house in a few weeks time and see me in person, alone.

For some reason i feel sexually attracted to B, more than i ever have with Dh... and i find myself being in a mess- i feel like if it led anywhere then i'd take the opportunity- but i also dont want him to come because i dont want the chance to cheat on DH... I man i'm almost planning to cheat on my DH FFS- i have never cheated in my life, and dispise cheaters- how am i thinking about doing what i dispise?

I have tried getting my sex life with DH back to how it was before the DC's arrived- and thats great but it doesn't stop me feeling how i do about B. There is nothing wrong with my life or relationship with my DH, he is a fantiastic H, and a brilliant father. we have the odd falling out but nothing thats ever put our relationship in jepoardy.

The thing is i dont want to stop contact with B as it excites me and i enjoy it... how can that be when i'm so happy?

Tell me if i'm not making sense... i dont feel like i'm making sense- i almost feel like i want DH to find out what i'm thinking so i'm guilted into not doing anything... but then i'm scared he'd loose all faith in me in the future.

Ah- i dont even know why i'm posting this- i have a feeling i'll be shot down in flames, but i need some perspective on how i'm feeling...

OP posts:

MaryBS · 13/08/2009 11:09

I don't think its unusual what you are feeling, but its based on a fantasy, on what you imagine it will be like. Its forbidden fruit, its exciting, but its not real. And if you don't want to break your family up it can't be real.

Try fantasising about what it would be like if it DID happen. But imagine your DH's reaction. Imagine what it'd do to your children. Imagine what life'd be like for them, torn between the two of you. Imagine them blaming you for breaking up the family home when they're older. Not nice is it?

You have to block these fantasies, and concentrate on your relationship with your husband.

I hope this helps...

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2009 11:10

You are not seriously considering breaking up your family and leaving your dh for some pre teen stolen glances?

How old are you guys?

This B bloke, must be very immature if he thinks he can just buy a house and ask a married woman to move in with him, like totally at random and pretty much out of the blue.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2009 11:13

Just because he tells you to?

WHere are your 3 children going to live?

With you and B? With their father?

How are you and your dh supposed to share the assets when you divorce?

Are you thinking maybe shared parenting? One week here, one week there? Or maybe the kids live with you and only visit dad on the weekend?

Just how are you planning this, with a man you have not been in a relationship with, but merely find slightly more sexually attractive than your dh.

the mind boggles.

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 11:18

we're both mid-20's... he's a couple of years older than me.

He said he'd bought a house so i asked about it, and he said he'd bought a big enough house for a family... then a couple of weeks later he asked if i'd though about what could have happened between us etc- and i just said things would have been much different. But at the same time told him i knew that i was meant to be with my DH... he said he was happy to take on my DC's etc if that was afraid of- and then the ball dropped.

MaryBS- i think a lot of it is wondering 'what could have been'... i mean he gave me chances to take things further when we were younger, but never did, at my choice. Maybe after all these years with my Dh i'm just wondering what it would have been like.

There is not one part of me that wants to split up my family and loose my DH... i think it is just the fantasy, where no-one would ever know, that excited me.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 13/08/2009 11:19

B is exciting because he makes you feel 17 again, and single and without the responsibility of children. It's not wrong to feel a tingle of excitement about feeling that way, but it would be wrong to put yourself into a position where you might throw away your family life to chase after something which isn't real.

Don't meet him alone. If he wants to be friends, he has to be a proper friend to you and your DH and your children.

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 11:21

QS- you've just said it all- and i can honestly say I haven't a clue!!

OP posts:

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 11:26

AMIS- think you've hit the nail on the head there...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/08/2009 11:26

How are you going to feel when you leave your DH, split up your family, and your DH's new wife comes with him to pick up the kids?

Imagine going to court when your husband sues you for divorce on the grounds of adultery and sues for full custody as well, because in adultery it's no given you'll get to swan off with your kids to your lover's.

Imagine the look on your childrens' faces, when you tell them Mummy and Daddy are not going to be together anymore because Mummy's got a new boyfriend.

And let that be your guide.

I agree with Quintessential. This all sounds very immature.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2009 11:27

It is normal to have crushes, it is normal to wonder, it is also normal to sometimes think back whistfully to what could have been. But leave it at that. Just let this man know that this is not really an option, and that it will be very hard for you to continue a friendship with him now.

Because it will be. He cannot have much respect for you if he has carried on like this.

superfrenchie1 · 13/08/2009 11:31

oooh don't meet B alone. no no. don't do it! cancel now. dangerous.

nothing good can come of it - you have a lovely family and absolutely no guarantee that life would be better and you would be happier, even if you DID go through with it all and leave your DH etc etc.

i think you just want to meet B to give your own self esteem a boost. there are other ways to boost your self esteem where no-one is going to get hurt.

leave it as a fantasy.

tammybear · 13/08/2009 11:32

I agree that it's just a fantasy in your head that excites you as to what could of been. It's like the feeling that you get when a guy flirts with you even though you're in a relationship, and there's nothing that could happen, but it makes you feel sexy I guess that you can still attract the opposite sex without it meaning anything, iykwim.

But considering doing something is where you need to draw the line. I would understand more if you actually had a relationship with him previously but you haven't, so it is just all make believe in both your minds that if you were together, everything would be smooth sailing, when it may not have been at all.

My DP is still very close to his ex, and I found it very uncomfortable to begin with. He keeps me in the loop and doesn't hide anything from me. He hasn't seen her since they split up, but he said if they ever did meet up, which he doesn't really think he would anyway, he would want me there. He wouldn't meet her alone, because he wouldn't want me to feel threatened or anything.

I think you are probably best not to be friends in person with him. Or if you were, to have your DH there, and to never meet B alone.

If you look at most of the threads these days, women are finding out their OH have been cheating on them, and it's terribly sad. Don't even let yourself be tempted into doing anything that will destroy your marriage and your family. Leave it as a fantasy.

ginnny · 13/08/2009 11:34

Muddled - IT IS JUST A CRUSH. IT ISN'T REAL!
I have been in a similar situation and I have had to repeat that phrase over and over in my head until it finally sunk in.
Its totally understandable to want a bit of exciting, no strings fun that nobody will ever find out about, but the reality is that you will get caught out. What if B tells your cousin? What about future family gatherings where it is written all over your face? What if your DH guesses that you are up to something? What if once isn't enough and a full blown affair starts?
Leave B in your fantasies and concentrate on bringing some excitement back into your marriage.

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 11:36

I think i've just realised, by writing my thoughts down, how stupid and rediculous i was being. B doesn't know either way if i'd meet him or anything... though i may give him the option to come round to see me and the DC's... maybe then he'll see for himself what i've got and why i dont want to mess things up. I'd never ever do anything while my DC's were here so i know i'd not be tempted. If he declines then i know he only wanted one thing and it wasn't friendship.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/08/2009 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ginnny · 13/08/2009 11:38

Good girl.
You know it makes sense.

tammybear · 13/08/2009 11:47

Hmm, well if you are going to meet with B, still tell your DH. Because 1) if you're honest with DH about it, it'll take the temptation away to do anything, 2) he knows, so it's not going behind his back or anything, 3) one of your DCs don't tell him that you had someone round which he didn't know about already. Just my thoughts

AMumInScotland · 13/08/2009 12:00

Well done for sorting out your perspective on this - putting things into words can help you to see them separate from your emotions, which gives you a better view!

If you do meet B, then I'd agree with tammy that you should let DH know about it. Better still, if he wants to meet and be friends then he should be meeting DH as well, so that there isn't any air of secrecy about it. Unless you have a lot of single male friends who you meet without DH?

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 12:15

haha- male friends? Have none... all my male friends are his friends.

Think i'll have to either not have him come or find a way to tell DH that he wants to come and see me and 'catch up' then DH can be here if he wants or it'll just be me and the DC's.... maybe it'd give me chance to tell him in person that what we had as teeneagers was just teen lust and maybe he hasn't an understanding of what i have with my DH and DC's if he thinks i'd just leave it all for him.

OP posts:

tammybear · 13/08/2009 12:19

I'm curious, has B had a relationship since you were teens and you first got with DH?

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 12:29

He's only had one semi-serious relationship (lasted about 6mths i think) since i got with DH, but is still very much a ladies man- he's very good looking and i'm sure he takes advantage of that!!

OP posts:

tammybear · 13/08/2009 12:34

Ahh, as I was thinking if he hadn't had a serious long term relationship, then that would reflect his behaviour at the moment and how he is under the impression that everything would be just fine if you just moved in with him.

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 13/08/2009 12:44

Possibly... i dont think he's ever lived with a partner... so it'd all just be his 'expectations'.

OP posts:

Broccopolli · 13/08/2009 13:27

Hmm. He's a ladies man. A couple of years older than you. Back when you were teenagers he tried it on with you and you resisted. But he knows that you fancied him.

Sounds like you're a challenge that he wants to conquer, and chasing you is a thrill for him - especially now that the challenge is even greater as you're happily married with children.

I wouldn't be surprised if he just wants to prove to himself that he can have you.

If you were unfaithful with him I can see it ending absolutely disastrously for you. As soon as there is no longer a challenge he'll lose interest and be off chasing the next bit of skirt. Meanwhile you'll be left with the guilt of your infidelity, and your happy married life possibly in tatters.

Stay away from this man and from temptation. Do not be alone with him or give him any kind of encouragement.

Remind yourself why you chose DH over him in the first place.

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