ok brief rundown of contributing factors.
DH - works long hours, works weekends too, Has an father in Hospital recovering from Cancer treatment, and lives hours away from them, so can't offer them the support he or they want. Does nothing round the house, no cooking, no cleaning, no ironing - DIY when has enough time
Me - fulltime SAHM, to 3 boys under 3 1/2 yrs, youngest being 4 months. Stressed out from pressure of holding down the fort or trying and failing to do it as well as i would like. Does all the housework, cooking cleaning etc. Have asked DH for help with children or house, not loads just a bit to ease pressure, DH said he can't do anything at the moment, depsite nodding off on the sofa at 9pm every night.
Last night was on the phone to my mom, Dh was at her house and came home (while i stayed on the phone to her) with me agreeing to order takeaway for tea and him collect on way back.
I ordered it, but stayed on phone and ignored calls from him asking if i'd ordered it as i was talking to mom and had already told him i'd do it.
DH arrives home minus the takeaway - furious! that i didn't answer the phone, told me i only care about myself and everyone else, not him. despite the fact that in the last 4 months i have managed on my own with 3 gorgeous but hard work children, recovering from csection, arranging childcare so i could drive 3 hours if needed to do hospital run for in laws. 2 weeks after c-section agreed he could go to his parents to support them for a few days rather than support me, who couldn't even lift our toddlers!!! Grrr feels good to let this out.
He then storms out the house to collect take away comes home furious still, flings takeaway across the lounge, spilling it. Then proceeds to hurl abuse at me, calling me a f*ing bitch for not caring enough to answer the phone. telling me i'm too lazy to get off my fat arse etc. telling me the house is a tip, knowing full well that the doctor offered me anti-depressants last week, due to one small part of my low feelings being the fact i can't keep the house tidy quick enough without neglecting the kids
He's never verbally abused me like this before, has called me a bitch before in temper. He does have a short fuse, and knows tht i won't argue back because it makes him worse, so he says things on purpose to provoke me to argue. I resisted and told him that talking to me that way was well out of order. He said he didn't care.
he finally broke down and burst into tears. i told him he needed to get himself sorted out. he doesn't accept my offer of going to doctors etc, won't face his issues.
Now i know he is under extreme pressure at work, and with his dad being ill and mum needing so much support, which he can't give. He doesn't make any time for himself. I know that his reaction is down to him bottling it all up, then taking it out on his nearest and dearest....
But - there is no way i want to be treated this way. he's away tonight but home tomorrow. we haven't discussed it because the kids were within earshot this morning, he gave me a brief apology, then carried on as though nothing had happened, i was short and quiet with him.
I know he needs my support right now, and i have done all i can not to add any extra pressure to his life. I don't get help with bathtime, bedtime, feeding, dressing, entertaining, any part of the boys lives, and i rarely ask for it because i know it adds to his load.
I suppose my question is, do i confront him when he comes home tomorrow and try to talk it out, or do i let him go as a moment of stress??