Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Does anyone's DH/DP resent them being a SAHM?

22 replies

horriblemonday · 12/08/2009 19:58

My DH quite often states that I have the easy job being a SAHM and that I will have to take a turn of working so he can 'sit on his arse all day'. He seems to really resent having to work (he is lazy). It's not as if he's that interested in childcare, he loves DS(nearly 3) but doesn't interact with him that much and never takes him out for the day alone etc.

So, I was just wondering if anyone else has a DH like this? I'd understand more if he wanted us both to work,or if he genuinely wanted to spend more time with DS.

OP posts:

nje3006 · 12/08/2009 20:05

I know a number of men who think that SAHM have an easy life. Just lie on a chaise all day and eat bon bons...

The ones I know who have to look after kids f/t for any length of time soon wise up and realise that leaving the house to go to work is actually the easy option.

Having said that, if your DH does see things way, his resentment may grow and that's not good for your marriage. Can you talk to him about how he feels and see what he says if you suggest both of you working p/t so that he can share the "benefits" of being a SAHP.

I don't think he's right but I do think that there's a danger here unless you deal with how he feels...

theyoungvisiter · 12/08/2009 20:06

well why don't you bugger off for a week's holiday and leave him to do all the cleaning and childcare solo for a week? It might help him realise there's more to it than "sitting on your arse" to use his charming phrase.

I think my DH is mildly envious of me being on maternity leave and getting to spend time with the kids, plus having a better work life balance than he does (I work part-time) but he understands it's hard work in its own right caring for children.

theyoungvisiter · 12/08/2009 20:08

but I agree with nje's more constructive post that a talk might be the answer.

Would it be possible for your DH to scale down his hours slightly and you to take a part time job?

Original poster

horriblemonday · 12/08/2009 20:34

He works shifts, so it would be unlikely that i could get a part time job to work around his job. He does very little housework and hardly ever has ds alone for more that a couple of hours, so his life is not that difficult. Also his job is fairly easy, I know because we were both in the same line of work before i had ds.

We have discussed this a number of times and he always ends up accusing me of doing nothing all day, even although the clothes have obviously been washed and the house is clean!

Maybe it's more common for men to feel like this than i thought, but it just gets to me!

OP posts:

FfreckleFface · 12/08/2009 20:41

I would definitely get him to do a few full days on his own with your son to get an idea of what you do all day.

In our house, I think Bloke is fully appreciative of what I do, and openly acknowledges that he would go bananas after a week as a SAHD. I, in turn, would be extremely resentful if I had to go to work all day and he got to stay at home and play with the baby.

Ruthie22 · 12/08/2009 22:12

I think my partner resents it when things are getting on top of him at work.
He works from home, which can either be a bonus or a curse: it is great when things are going well at work as he gets to spend extra time with DD but when work is stressful it can be quite difficult, especially if I don't appear to have anything planned for the day (except washing, cleaning etc. etc.) or the weather is crap and we don't make it out. He thinks I live the life of riley - lunching it and playing with DD inbetween!
Drives me nuts sometimes!
I have left DD with him a couple of times and it made him realise it's not just a walk in the park! Unfortunately I can't really offer any other constructive advice, but just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one!

mrsboogie · 12/08/2009 22:15

Hmmm.. in your place I would tell him that you are prepared to consider swapping roles (he doesn't have to know you won't actually do it ) but first he has to do a trial run, as, obviously, if it didn't work out you would be in trouble. Then let him do what you do for 2 weeks and see how he feels at the end of it.

He probably thinks that it will be all easy, sat around all day on his computer while the child quietly amuses himself and the house work is done in a ten minute burst (or not at all)

My DP used to swear blind he would love to be a SAHD before our DS was born. He is very hands on and does 50% of the childcare and sometimes more (we both work) but now he says there's no way he would be a SAHD as its too hard.

Harimosmummy · 12/08/2009 22:17

My Dh def. thinks I have the easier option being a SAHM.

But DH has a very stressful job and I happen to agree that I have the easier option.

For me, personally, I'd hate to have to go to work and not be with my kids (they are 14Mo and newborn) and I am very grateful for the sacrafices he makes so that I don't have to.

Does your DH really think you sit on your arse all day, OP? or is it just hisway of saying he dislikes his own lifestyle / job?

squilly · 12/08/2009 22:24

My DH sees my SAHM status as a job and still contributes as he did when I was working. But I suspect he's the exception rather than the rule. I like the idea of leaving your DH with the childcare for a few days...see how he gets on.

Original poster

horriblemonday · 12/08/2009 22:38

Mrsboogie, brilliant idea, lol. He's planning a visit to his parents next week, so that would be a good start. Wish i had the money to away for a long weekend, but i'll definitely go away for a couple of full 9-5 days and see how he copes. Think i'll need to give him a list of all the jobs that need done in the house through the day.

Sadly my DP is not being tongue in cheek about this, he actually argues that I do nothing AT ALL. Also, he refuses to do any housework when he has DS because he says that i don't! Maybe he thinks brownies are doing all the housework?

OP posts:

Harimosmummy · 12/08/2009 22:45

HM - that's pretty out of order.

As a start, I wouldn't do any housework for a few days and see what he thinks about that!!!

I DO do the majority of the housework and, occasionally, it bugs me that DH leaves the house in one state, but expects it to look totally different when he comes home (but he still does APPRECIATE that I do it!!)

I think my DH would like responsibilities to be a little more evenly shared, IYSWIM, but he does appreciate that i do the childcare and housework

for you!!

hambler · 12/08/2009 23:47

I resent my dh being a sahd!
But I am never nasty to him about it.

mamas12 · 12/08/2009 23:54

Hmmm

Go on strike for a week to show him exactly what you do
List everything you do (boring I know) but until you see it in black and white it's incredible.
Go and stay with a family member/friend for 3 - 4 days with appointments and shoes and Sunday dinner to cook etc.

Or all of the above!
Like mrsboogies approach

mrsboogie · 13/08/2009 00:00

I would leave him a list of tasks that you do everyday and say that this is what he will have to do (if he doesn't do it fair enough - he will soon run out of cups and plates etc and he will find it utterly knackering)

plus I would tell him that you have lined up some interviews with employment agencies or other prospective work related appointments (off to the library to produce a cv), then bugger of with a good book to town and sit in a coffee shop/window shop/ get a facial, from 9 to 5 every day for a week or so.

When you get in in the evening say you are exhausted from all the trudging round looking for work and where is your dinner? why is the house such a state? etc.

I would.

Greatfun · 13/08/2009 17:59

When in non stroppy mood DH says eh appreciates being a SAHM is hard work but whenever he is in a the least bad mood he always makes comments along the lines of how easy it is for me to be with the DCs compared toh im working. I also feel undervalued by him as he thinks its perfectly reasonable that I have half the amount of spending money per month than he does. This is one of the many reasons I am going back to work.

mamas12 · 13/08/2009 19:09

Get to work girl and get the balance of power back and seriously think about this worrying little controlery starting there.

msrisotto · 13/08/2009 19:15

He is out of order talking to you like that. No respect whatsoever.

fizzpops · 13/08/2009 19:41

If I had never worked I would probably be tempted to complain to DH on my bad days that he was lucky that he got to go out to work all day. I think it is a case of the grass is always greener....

My DH certainly thought it was an easy job until he was off work for a few weeks when DD was a few months old and saw how much time was taken up with running backwards and forwards. Having said this I also remember him asking me (looking as if a shocking revelation had just occurred to him) when he had been back at work about a week following paternity leave whether I managed to get some lunch for myself each day. I replied that I had got very good at making a cheese sandwich with one hand.

I think he is taking the p* as he must be around at different times if he works shifts and see that apart from naptimes possibly it is always a race against time.

Most men don't actually realise what housework gets done whether there are children in the picture or not. My DH although great at DIY and happy to wash up/ hoover/ do laundry etc has never once (in the 12 years we have been together) cleaned the bathroom. He probably wouldn't do lots of the things I do routinely, but then I would forget to mow the lawn.

Not sure what the answer is tbh if he is determined to be blinkered but a talk as a first step would be a start and let you work out whether you need to gently enlighten him or scare the wits out of him by leaving him in charge for a day.

OrmIrian · 13/08/2009 19:47

Never been a SAHM but I do know men in work that seem to resent me as a WOHM because their partners are at home. It seems to be a kind of envy that I 'do it all' . The horrible truth being that life is so so much easier if one partner is at home - for everyone. Juggling is crap.

Maybe your DH would just like to have a chance to try being a SAHD? I never much enjoyed being at home when I was on mat leave but I did feel a bit upset that I didn't have any choice in the matter. If that makes sense.

mazzystartled · 13/08/2009 19:55

I think that there must be something more fundamental going on if he speaks to you like this - totally out of order.

Maybe - actually - despite appearances - he is stressed out and knackered and unfulfilled by his job. And feels trapped by the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner. And by comparison being a SAHM looks quite cushtie, even though we all know it ain't.

How did you make the decision for you to stay at home f/t? Is it something you need to review?

And maybe you should have a big frank discussion about your expectations of each other.

Hormonesnomore · 13/08/2009 19:55

I was a SAHM when my DCs were small. My DH resented this a bit, and often commented that he would 'be glad' when I went back to work -

for the extra money (of course). So I got a part-time job, on Saturdays & Sundays so we wouldn't have to pay for childcare. That opened his

eyes somewhat! I'd come home and the children would have been fed, but they were grubby, the house was a mess and no washing done. His

excuse was that he was 'looking after the children' and finally admitted how much work was involved in being a SAHP which he hadn't realised

before. He became much more helpful around the house during the week after that and I accepted that at weekends it was also

important for our DCs to have fun with their dad, even if there wasn't much housework being done.

warthog · 13/08/2009 20:40

just don't do the housework for a few days. then let him see the difference.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread